Page 35

35

FORD

Since Andi bolted out of my place in tears, I’ve been freaking the fuck out myself.

I know this is hard.

I fucking know it.

I’m living it, for fuck’s sake.

But we need to get through this together.

I thought we agreed on that.

We love each other.

I thought we did, anyway.

Of course this stirs up my doubts again.

I wanted to chase her down the hall and force her to listen to me.

I can’t stand seeing her so heartbroken.

I can’t handle her tears.

It’s too much.

I can’t handle it.

I have to go.

What does that mean?

Is she gone forever?

Is she being a coward?

Is she dumping me, just like I was afraid of?

Jesus hula-hooping Christ.

I have a little person to attend to, though, and somehow, I know that chasing after Andi isn’t the best idea right now.

So I leave her be, hoping she’s figuring things out and that what she’s figuring out still includes me.

I take Tilly for a walk.

Give her a bath.

I make myself eat dinner.

And I get us both to bed.

Tonight, she’s the one sleeping and I’m not.

There’s a lot to think about.

Willa.

Tilly.

Andi.

Weirdly, I don’t think about hockey.

Maybe I should.

In the morning, Lieve arrives because I have a goddamn practice.

How in the cinnamon toast fuck am I supposed to focus on hockey right now?

All I can think about is Andi down the hall, doing what I don’t know.

I’m so fucking afraid that what she said meant, I’m out, forever, have a nice life.

But also…

Andi’s not that cowardly.

She said she loves me and I believe her.

And I know she loves Tilly.

I have to have faith in her strength and courage and positivity.

Yeah.

Focusing on hockey is the easy part, though.

The hard part is the guys asking me questions about what happened with Andi.

Did I tell her how I feel?

What happened with Willa?

What’s going to happen with Tilly?

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snarl at them.

“Let’s focus on hockey.”

I see the surprise and concern on their faces.

I suck in a deep breath.

“It’s been rough,” I tell them in a muted tone.

“I’ll tell you all. Just not today.”

They all give me space, thank fuck.

I throw myself into the practice, giving it my all.

It does distract me from all the other shit that happened.

Burning some adrenaline helps.

Being physically spent helps.

After I shower and get dressed, I check my phone for messages or calls from Andi.

There’s nothing.

Shit.

I leave right away to get home, hoping Andi’s working through things.

Trying to stay positive.

Mid-afternoon, I’m sitting on the couch with Tilly, giving her a bottle.

She’s holding it in her little hands, using the handles on the new bottle we got her.

She’s growing up.

There’s a soft knock on the door, then it opens and Andi walks in.

My heart fucking stops.

We stare at each other.

She’s so goddamn beautiful, even though she looks tired and sad.

Tilly sees her, takes the nipple out of her mouth, and says happily, “Amamagabama.”

Andi smiles at her.

“Hi to you, too.”

She looks back at me.

I hold her gaze steadily, no doubt all my questions showing on my face as I extend a hand to her.

She walks over and sits beside me and takes my hand, curling her fingers around mine and leaning her head on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“I lost it.”

“Are you okay now?”

“Not entirely. But I will be.”

“It’s hard.”

“It is. It’s huge. I felt overwhelmed. Doubtful. Scared.”

“I get it.”

She tells me how terrible she feels about Willa and how guilty she feels—I get that too—and how sad she is for Tilly.

“I know, sweetheart. I know. This is so fu—, I mean effed up.”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to put Tilly down for a nap. We can talk more.”

“She really is off schedule.”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re right—there are some things more important than that. Especially right now.”

I take Tilly into the bedroom and talk to her while I settle her into her cot, trying not show her how fucked up I am.

Then I close the bedroom door behind me and turn on the monitor.

I return to the couch and pick up my phone and send a quick text, then toss it back to the coffee table.

In response to Andi’s inquiring look, I say, “I just told Mabel not to come after all.”

She tilts her head.

“She was coming here?”

“Yeah. I asked if she could look after Tilly for a while so I could come talk to you.” I’d run out of patience.

I eye her uncertainly.

She pulls in a deep breath and lets it out.

“Thank you. And I’m sorry.”

Relief slides through me.

“C’mere.” I sit and pull her into my arms, lifting her legs to stretch them across my lap.

With one arm around her, I take her hand with my other and lift it to my lips.

“I thought a lot,” she says.

“And… I talked to Willa.”

My head jerks in surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah. We talked for a long time, actually. About a lot of things. Mostly Tilly.” She slips her arm around my shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but in the end, she said it made things a little easier. For her to know us, that we love Tilly and will take care of her.”

I lean my forehead against hers.

“Wow.” That took guts.

Holy shit.

And I thought she was being cowardly.

Her inner strength blows me away.

“Yeah. And it made me feel more at peace, too.” She tells me more about the conversation with Willa, and I listen intently.

“In the end, I realized that sometimes life sucks. But we need to live it and make the best of it while we’re here. Because it’s short.”

I close my eyes, my chest squeezing painfully.

“Yeah,” I rasp out.

“Do you think we can really do this?”

I lift my head and meet her eyes.

“I had my doubts,” I say honestly.

She nods.

“You are a good father,” she whispers.

“You love her. You can be a good parent if you love your child and try hard.”

With a knuckle beneath her chin, I make her hold my gaze.

“That means, you, too.”

She goes very still.

Her lips quiver.

“Yeah. Even me. I had my doubts, too. How can I do this? Am I really ready for a whole different life? Can I be a mother figure to Tilly?”

I kiss her temple.

“You can.” I pause.

When I speak, my throat feels full of sand.

“But I understand if you don’t want to sign on for that.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. At all. I love you. I love Tilly.”

A champagne bottle of relief bursts in my core, sending effervescence sparkling through my veins.

“Then you can do it. We both can. Knowing you believe in me gives me courage.”

She lowers her chin, then lifts her head and gazes into my eyes.

“Me too.”

I stamp my mouth on hers, holding her in a long kiss, full of relief and gratitude, strength and adoration.

When I slowly draw back, I say, “I’m sorry, too.”

“For what?” She touches my face.

“For putting you through this.”

“None of this is your fault.”

“I know. But this whole mess is part of the package.”

“I know that,” she says softly.

“So is your rigid attachment to schedules and plans. Your ten-step hair-care routine. Your dirty jokes and your personal eating utensils and weird eye exercises.”

Our eyes meet.

One corner of my mouth kicks up.

“And you still love me.”

“I do. I love you for all of that. And for the great father you are.”

I close my eyes on another rush of emotion.

“I never thought I would meet someone who would love me like that. I was afraid to tell you I was falling in love with you.”

“You took me on that date. That amazing date. Everything you did made me think you loved me. But you never said it, and I was so confused.”

“I guess I hoped you’d get it without me having to say it.”

She huffs out a laugh.

“Chicken.”

“Oh, hell, yeah. And then on our way home after we picked up Tilly, you got all quiet. And I figured the date didn’t mean anything to you.”

“I’m sorry. It meant a lot to me. I was so hopeful that it meant as much to you, and then you made that comment about how I could have a nap—remember? And it felt like a smack. Because I was thinking of myself as Tilly’s parent and you were still thinking of me as your neighbor who was helping with her.”

“No.” My eyebrows pull down.

“No. Christ, I’m sorry. That’s not how I thought of you at all. When I said that, I just meant… there are two of us. You could have a nap if you wanted, and I would look after Tilly.”

“Oh.”

“And then I stuck my skate in my mouth with that comment that you work a lot.” I shake my head.

“I respect you for how hard you work. I love that about you.”

Her expression goes soft.

“Thank you.”

“That night after we decorated the tree… you went back to your place. I figured you wanted some space. So you could get back to your normal life.”

“Oh. No.” She pauses, searching for words.

“I was scared. That was such a couple thing to do. A family thing. And I had to remind myself that we weren’t a family and Tilly would be leaving soon and I wanted space, but it was because I was trying to protect myself. I was so scared of everything I was going to lose.”

“Fuck.”

“We have to talk about these things,” she says quietly.

“When they happen.”

“They won’t happen.”

“Yes, they will. Communication is hard. It’s hard to admit we’re hurt. We’re going to screw up. But we have to always try.”

“You’re right. The guys smacked some sense into me the other night in Charlotte. They made me see that I had to tell you how I felt. That’s why I came straight home.”

“They smacked some sense into you?” Her lips curve sweetly.

“Yeah.” I rub my face.

“I may have been a little hungover on top of depressed.”

“Oh dear.”

“I was trying to drown my fears in bourbon.” I grimace.

“They gave me hope that maybe you’d be willing to stick around with a jerk like me. And actually… they made me think maybe I’m not a total jerk.”

She strokes her fingers down the side of my neck.

“You are not a jerk. You’ve given up so much for Tilly. Willingly. Because you love her.”

“Yeah.” I swallow thickly.

“They also made me realize I’m not alone. Even when I’m in net. We’re a team. I knew that.” I grunt at my own stupidity.

“My stupid insecurities were fucking with me. And same thing with you. I was afraid you’d walk away when Tilly was gone.” I pause.

“I was terrified of that.”

“Even though that’s what we agreed on. That we’d walk away when it was over.”

“Yeah.”

“I was terrified, too. That you wouldn’t want me anymore. That when Tilly was gone, we’d be done.”

“No. I didn’t want to lose you. We’re a team, too.” I slide my nose alongside hers and breathe in her sweet scent.

“Right?”

“Right,” she whispers.

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Something you said also made me realize I had to talk to you.”

“What did I say?”

“When the guys were throwing the baby shower for me, you said I shouldn’t be so inflexible that I miss out on something great. And you… are something great.”

She looks into my eyes, and I let it all show.

My love.

My devotion.

My need for her.

“Thank you. You are something great, too.”

“When my parents were here, I told them I don’t want to disappoint them, after all they did for me.”

She nods, fingering the collar of my shirt.

“And Mom said I shouldn’t feel like that. She said they did everything they did because they love me. Not because they ever expected anything from me in return. And now I understand that. Because I would do anything for Tilly. Because I love her.”

“Yeah. I know. I feel the same.”

“You were ready to let her go, so she could have her mom.” That fucking killed me.

I wished she didn’t have to make that sacrifice.

And then…

she didn’t.

But it was hard to deal with.

“Yeah. I didn’t have a choice, though. I had no claim on her at all. I just… love her and I only wanted her to be happy and have everything she needs. Even though it hurt.” She takes a breath.

“I don’t know how I ended up feeling like this about her.”

“Well, like Willa said… how could you not?”

Her eyes turn shiny.

“Exactly.”

I bend my head and kiss her again.

Softly.

Tenderly.

With a promise.

“My mom knew I was falling for you before I even did.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. She noticed that I said, ‘When Willa first left Tilly with us ,’ and she said, ‘You are an us. You just haven’t accepted it yet.’”

“Your mom is a little, uh…”

“Wacky?” My lips quirk.

She rolls her lips in on a smile.

“But she’s wise. I like her.”

“Yeah. She can be. She likes you, too.”

She lets that smile free and it’s gorgeous.

“I love you.”

A smile trembles on her lips.

“I love you, too.”

I lean in to kiss her, gentle brushes of my mouth on hers, then deeper kisses, licking inside, stroking and sucking.

Heat builds as our hands move over each other.

The kisses get hotter, consuming, long and deep.

Excitement and desire coil inside me, my cock thickening.

My blood is fire and I’m desperate for more…

more…

“Let’s move to my room,” I murmur.

“Mmmm.”

And just as we both stand, a cry comes from the baby monitor.

We freeze in place.

My body is pulsing with need.

We look at each other.

“Jesus,” I groan, grabbing my throbbing erection through my jeans.

“Now? I could cry.”

“Me too.” She bites her lip on a smile.

“Um… rain check?”

“Oh, fuck yeah.” I kiss her hard one last time.

“Be ready. I’m gonna strip you naked, lick your pussy until you scream, and then fuck your brains out.”