Page 31

31

FORD

Not surprisingly, Bender gets the start in the next game.

And we win.

At the end of the game I go onto the ice and follow the other guys as they line up to bump helmets with Bender to celebrate the win.

I throw my arms out and give him a hug.

“Fantastic game. Way to pump up the guys and turn things around.”

“Thanks, man.”

I’m hoping to start the third game of our road trip but that doesn’t happen.

I’m pissed, but resigned.

I don’t deserve it after that game in Columbus.

And I’m happy when we get another win and Bender gets a shutout.

This isn’t what I planned for this year, though.

Well, none of it is.

Did I plan to have a daughter?

Did I plan to fall in love?

Sitting on the bus in the dark going back to the hotel, I go very still.

What?

Love?

My heart starts knocking in my chest, fast enough to steal my breath.

My head goes empty.

I shove a hand through my hair and look out the window.

Holy shit.

I feel like the bus is closing in on me.

I need to get off.

My head whips around in a panic.

“What?” Dilly, sitting beside me, gives me a weird look.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I’m fucked.”

“Yeah.” He sighs.

He has no idea what’s going on.

As we get off the bus at the hotel, some of the guys are making a plan to go out.

We don’t fly home until morning.

“Coming, Archie?” Crusher calls to me.

Fuck it.

I need a drink.

Or ten.

So I tag along with them to Atlas, an EMD club on George Street.

It’s Saturday night and the place is jumping.

Pumping music, light shows, a full-wall video screen, packed with people.

We get shown to a private booth in the back where it’s quieter.

We order drinks and take in the high-tech ambience.

I sit back in my chair and down my drink, then order another.

I’m well into the second before Crusher says to me, “You’re quiet.”

“Yeah.” I shrug.

“You sulking?”

I scowl at him.

“Sulking? Fuck off. I don’t sulk.”

“What’s wrong, then?”

After a beat, I say, “I’m the only one who doesn’t have a goal song.”

Every player on the team picks a goal song that’s played in our home arena when they score.

The others stare back at me, then start laughing.

“I want a goal song,” I add, sounding like a cranky kid being told he can’t have candy before dinner.

“You’re a goalie,” Benny says.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

He narrows his eyes at me.

“Start scoring goals and we’ll get you your own goal song,” Smitty jokes.

I’ve never scored a goal.

But it happens.

I’d like to score a goal.

Goalie goals are cool.

“If I ever get to play again, I’ll try that.”

“You are sulking.” Crusher shakes his head.

I give him a black look.

“Bruh,” Dilly says.

“Get it all the way together.”

“It’s not like you to be so emo over a loss.” Benny watches me.

“It’s not just the loss. I fucked up. And I didn’t play, two games in a row.”

“That’s happened before,” Benny points out.

“Yeah, well…” I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I flag our server and order another drink.

“It’s also not like you to drink this much.” Smitty’s eyebrows shoot up.

He’s right.

I shrug, lifting my empty glass.

“Let’s get fucked up.”

They all exchange glances.

“What is going on with you?” Smitty asks.

“For real.”

I rub my forehead.

“I heard from Willa.”

“Oh, shit.” Benny stares at me.

“What did she say? Is she back?”

“Yeah. She’s back. I’m going to see her… fuck… tomorrow.”

“Jesus.” Benny makes a face.

“So is she going to take Tilly back?”

“I don’t know. But yeah, I expect so.” A corkscrew twists into my chest.

Oh, fuck me sideways with a cheese grater, I can’t cry in front of these guys.

I grab Crusher’s drink and swallow another mouthful of bourbon.

“Okay, you have rights,” Smitty says.

“You’re her father.”

“I know. I talked to a lawyer about it.”

“So you want to keep her?” Crusher asks.

“Hell, yeah.” I glare at him.

Then I slump.

“But, obviously, I won’t be able to keep her full-time. I don’t know how this is going to go. And then…” I stop.

“What?” Benny prompts.

“Never mind.”

“Hell, no, tell us what you were going to say,” Crusher pushes me.

“How can we help you if we don’t know what’s bugging you?”

“I don’t need help.”

They all make derisive noises.

“Dude. You definitely need help. You were not yourself in that game in Columbus and you’ve been moping this whole trip,” Smitty says.

“We know you have a temper, but that was extra,” Dilly adds.

“And you usually don’t let things get you down once you’ve smashed a stick or whatever,” Crusher puts in.

I stare into the amber liquid in the glass.

“I miss them.”

“Miss… who?” Crusher asks.

“Tilly and Andi.”

“Andi,” Crusher replies.

“We’re getting somewhere.”

“You two are obviously more than friends now,” Benny says.

“I saw you after that date. You could have set my condo on fire with the heat you two were generating.”

“You took her on a date?” Crusher asks.

“Okay.” He rubs his hands together.

“Now we’re cooking with gas.”

I scowl at him.

“This can’t be just because you miss them,” Smitty says.

“I miss Mabel and I’m not crying into my bourbon,” Benny adds.

“That’s my bourbon,” Crusher corrects him.

I roll my eyes.

“It’s not that exactly. It’s the fact that I miss them that makes me realize how fucked I am.”

“Explain,” Dilly says.

I don’t know if I can.

I was already confused and my head’s feeling a little woolly.

I heave a sigh.

“Willa’s going to want Tilly back. Even if I tell her I want partial custody, she doesn’t have to agree to that right now. So Tilly’s gone. But I’ll fight for her.” I set my jaw and look up at my friends.

“And I’ll get her back. Even just part-time. I’m not letting her go now that I know her. Know of her.”

They all nod.

“But Andi…” I drop my head again, shaking it.

They all wait.

“Here’s the problem.” I look up at them.

“She doesn’t want kids.”

I get perplexed looks from all of them.

“I…” I point at my own chest.

“…have a kid.”

“Right.”

“So you think she doesn’t want anything long term with you because you have a kid?” Benny asks.

“Obviously.” I nod, pain building behind my ribs.

“She doesn’t want kids. Why would she want to be with a guy who has a kid?”

“Dude. She’s been helping you look after Tilly for months,” Benny says.

“She loves Tilly.”

Yeah.

She does.

She couldn’t take care of her and interact with her with such tenderness and affection and thoughtfulness if she didn’t love her.

“But that’s not her kid. She can leave Tilly and go home and not worry about her.” Like she did the other night.

“I think she’s ready to get back to her normal life. And I get that.”

“So… if you didn’t have a kid, would you still want Andi in your life?” Smitty asks.

I gape at him.

“Fuck, yeah.”

One corner of Smitty’s mouth lifts.

“That didn’t take long.”

“Not just as a babysitter,” Benny adds.

“Fuck, no!” I scowl.

“And not just a fuck buddy?” Dilly asks.

“No!” My heart is banging against my sternum.

“But…”

“Another but,” Dilly says with a longsuffering exhalation.

“Tell us.”

“Even if she’s okay with me having a kid, which I guess… I don’t know, I think she does love Tilly, but… we agreed we would just be bang buddies. No commitment.”

“She went on that date with you,” Benny points out.

“True.” I wanted to show her she’s special and important to me.

“But on the way home she got weird. Quiet.”

“Huh.”

“I probably went overboard with the date,” I say glumly.

“Since we’re supposed to be fuck buddies.”

“Hmmm.” Benny shrugs.

“I know I’m an oddball.” I turn my glass in my hand.

“Relationships aren’t for people like me. I’m wrapped up in my own life. Hockey takes a lot of time and commitment.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s why all hockey players are single,” Benny says.

“Sarcasm.” I lift my glass to him.

“Point taken.”

“You’re not that wrapped up in your own life.” Smitty’s forehead furrows.

“You took on a baby. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I didn’t have much choice.”

“Sure, you did. You could’ve given Willa a pile of money and sent her on her way.”

“I never even thought of doing that.”

“See?”

“Even so, I’m better off alone.”

“You’re not alone, man.” Benny shakes his head.

“You have us. We’re a team.”

“I’m alone in that net.”

They all give me incredulous looks.

“What the fuck?” Benny demands.

“What does that mean?”

“It’s true. It’s the life of a goalie. Nobody else to blame when I screw up.”

“How the fuck did you make it this far in hockey without knowing you have a whole team backing you up?” Benny nearly shouts.

My eyes shift.

“Uh…”

“Sure, you may be alone in net. But what you face depends a lot on how we play in front of you,” Smitty says.

“When we play shitty, we let you down.”

“And you’re not always alone. The other night when you were out of position and they got the puck, I made a save,” Crusher says.

“I got your back. That’s my job.”

“Also, you and Bender are a team,” Dilly points out.

“You always congratulate him on a win, and when he plays well. You always help him during practices. And he supports you, too. You two challenge each other and make each other better.”

Another valid argument.

I’m starting to feel like an idiot.

“I’m set in my ways,” I mumble.

“Too regimented. I like routine.”

They all nod.

“But you’re not uncoachable,” Smitty says, reminding me of that conversation we had.

“On the ice, anyway. Off the ice… maybe you are.”

I rub my forehead, thinking.

Open to doing things differently…

changing up a routine…

willing to learn…

“It pissed me off at first, when Tilly came. I couldn’t stick to my schedule. I couldn’t go to taekwondo classes, or meditate. I felt like I was losing control of my life. But after a while… she was more important than that.”

“There you go.” Smitty nods.

“If you’re trying to use that as a reason why Andi wouldn’t want to be with you, fuck that.”

I toss back another swallow of bourbon, and I’m silent for a few minutes.

Finally, I say, “So what am I supposed to do? Just give them both up and… and…” My throat clogs and my jaw aches from grinding my back teeth together.

“Hell, no.” Smitty nods.

“You’re going to fight for Tilly. You have to fight for Andi, too.”

“How?”

“Just tell her how you feel.” Smitty waves a hand.

“I’d rather remove my own spleen with a hockey skate,” I mumble.

“I never said it was easy.” He grimaces.

“But you have to. Otherwise you’ll never really know how she feels.”

“That seems… logical.” But this idea strikes terror into my heart.

Because it’s becoming even more clear what my biggest fear really is.

Yeah, I’m afraid of losing them.

But I’m terrified of putting myself out there…

admitting I need someone.

I’m terrified she’ll reject me.

Because I’m not worth loving.

But these guys…

they’ve tried to show me that maybe I am worth it.

That I’m not too selfish for someone to love.

That I don’t have to be alone.

Be the shark.

“What?”

Oh, shit.

I guess I said that out loud?

I swallow.

“You can be the shark and rule the ocean, or you can be a goldfish and wait for fish food in the fishbowl.”

They all regard me with bewildered expressions again.

Then Benny laughs.

“That’s brilliant. There you go. Be the fucking shark. The great white. Go after what you want.”

“Yeah.” I lift my chin and push my shoulders back.

I’m wasted, but determination calms me.

Focuses me.

I’ve spent my whole life going after what I want.

I’m not stopping now.

Not when the most important thing in my life is on the line…

Love.