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ANDI

I’m in Ford’s kitchen, getting things ready for his week.

I’ve checked his schedule and know what days he has games and practices.

I’ve looked at his planner and know he has a visit to a children’s hospital on Wednesday afternoon.

I’ve texted all that to Lieve.

I’ve cooked a big batch of quinoa that he can use for meals, and I’ve cut up a lot of healthy veggies for roasting, for game days.

All the while, there’s a hard pulse in my stomach and a massive fissure in my chest.

Tilly’s on the floor nearby, sitting in her baby seat, playing with toys and squealing at a high pitch.

She’s dressed in a little blue dress so she looks nice for her dad when he gets home.

I look over at her.

I don’t know what’s happening.

Should I pack up her things?

The pressure behind my eyes intensifies as I move across the room and look at all her toys and books.

I pick up one of several diaper bags and begin filling it with her favorite toys.

Then I move to the bedroom to gather some of her lotions and shampoos, wipes and diaper rash cream.

I pick up her little hairbrush…

and that’s when I break down.

I sit on the bed with the hairbrush in my hands, tears running down my cheeks.

I have to get a grip.

I have to be strong.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I sob aloud, swiping at tears.

I know this has to happen.

It’s Tilly’s mother.

I was angry for Tilly when Willa left her here.

She needs her mother.

I’ll miss her, but I’ll survive.

I have to let her go so she can have what she really needs.

I need to be strong and handle this like a big girl.

But God, it hurts .

Images churn through my mind, so many of Tilly: her laughing, smiling, babbling—the adorable way she grabs the toes of both feet.

Her splashing in the tub, trying to roll over and then doing it, falling over when she first started sitting.

Ford with his hand under her butt holding her up in the air with one hand to stop her crying.

Wrapping her in a blanket by rolling her over rather than wrapping the blanket around her.

Singing “Baby Shark” to her in a completely off-tone, high-pitched voice and her cracking up.

Another sob escapes my lips.

But I have those memories.

I will always have them and I’ll always be grateful for the time I had with her.

Getting to know Tilly has changed me.

And the most important thing is for her to be happy and healthy and loved.

Tilly is getting louder and protesting being alone, so I get up and go back to the living room.

I sit down on the floor in front of her and smile through my tears.

“I love you, Tilly. I’ll miss you so much. But I want you to be happy. I want that most of all.”

The door opens and closes.

My head whips around.

It’s too early for Ford to be back.

But it’s him.

He walks in, handsome as always—other than the lines of strain on his face—stylish in black pants and a black and white tweed coat.

When he sees Tilly and me, his strained expression softens, and his lips quirk.

“Hi.”

Then he notices my wet face.

The smile disappears, his forehead creasing, his eyes shadowing, and he strides toward us and crouches down.

“What’s wrong?” he demands.

“Why are you crying?”

I slide the back of my hand across my cheek.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know. I just started crying and I c-can’t stop.”

“What’s wrong?” He sets his hands on my shoulders.

I cry harder.

“Badadadaba!” Tilly cries.

With a frustrated smile, he turns and reaches for her, lifting her out of the seat.

“Hi, baby girl. Did you miss me?” He stands, holding her up in front of his face.

She babbles happily.

Then he cuddles her against him and closes his eyes.

“I love you, Tilly. More than I ever thought I could.”

Heat and light expand in my chest, a glowing fullness.

“Gabadada aaaaaayeeee.”

“I missed you, too. Can I talk to Andi for a minute?”

She makes a gurgling noise.

“Thanks.”

I push to my feet.

Ford sits on the couch, Tilly on his lap, and I sit next to them, trying to act like I haven’t just bawled my eyes out.

“I’ve never seen you cry,” he says to me, appearing distressed.

“I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“What do you think is wrong?” I cry.

“Jesus.” He swallows.

“Okay. I know.”

He doesn’t know all the reasons I’m crying.

“I just…” I hiccup.

“I just was thinking about what’s going to happen and… I…”

“What?” He smooths his thumb along my wet cheekbone.

“Tell me. Please.”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know I’m going to miss Tilly.” And I sob again.

He stares at me.

“Yeah?”

I bob my head, feeling my lips push out.

“I started packing some of her things. I don’t know if you’ll take her with you? Or take her things? Or… have you already seen Willa?”

“No. I haven’t seen her. Andi…” He stops.

“You really care about her.”

“Of course I care about her!” My voice rises as my emotions surge.

Does he not know that?

I lift my gaze to his face and he watches me closely, an anxious expression on his face.

But also…

his eyes light up with…

something.

“Andi…”

Fuck it.

I’m just going to tell him.

“I know I have n-no right, but… but I love Tilly. And I love you.”

His eyes widen.

My heart is galloping faster than a racehorse and my hands are shaking.

“I thought I could do it. I thought I could be friends with bennies. But I fell in love with you.” And I sob again.

Tilly stretches an arm out to me, wiggling her fingers, her forehead creased.

I take her hand and smile at her.

“I’m okay, honey bunny.” I kiss her fingers.

Ford’s mouth opens and that light in his eyes glow brighter.

“Did you say… you love me?” He gazes into my eyes and I stare back, sinking into that clear green almost as if I’m falling through cool sea water.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t our agreement… but I fell in love with you. Both of you.”

“Don’t apologize.” He closes his eyes, his mouth tightening briefly.

“Do not apologize for that.” He opens his eyes and focuses on me.

“Because I’m in love with you, too.”

My heart is beating so loud I can’t hear anything but that.

Did he really just say that?

“I love you,” he says again, a rough edge to his voice, and as I search his face, I see the hint of strain in the corners of his eyes.

His hand on my cheek trembles ever so slightly.

“Oh.” My pulse races, my head helium-light.

“Oh.”

The corners of his mouth lift.

“Yeah.” Now a thumb brushes over my lips.

“But…” His Adam’s apple rises and falls.

“But Andi… I have Tilly. I’m not going to let her go. Are you okay with that?”

My eyebrows slope down and my mouth opens but nothing comes out.

Finally, I manage to whisper, “I don’t understand that. I love you. And I love Tilly.”

“You said you didn’t want kids. You and Trevor agreed to that. But I have a kid.”

Ohhhhh.

My heart expands.

“Ford.” I hold the eye contact.

“I love you. And I love her. I know she has to be with her mother and I want her to be happy and loved. But she needs her dad just like she needs her mom. I’ll support you whatever you want to do. I’ll help you fight for her.”

He nods, still looking apprehensive.

“I would understand if you wanted to go back to your regular life.”

I tilt my head, pressure building behind my eyes again.

“I don’t want that.”

The relief that flows over his face is incandescent.

His eyes blaze and his mouth curves into a smile.

“You are so fucking perfect.”

One corner of my mouth lifts.

“Hardly.”

“Perfect for me.” He lowers his head to kiss me.

When his lips touch mine, I open for him.

The kiss is long and deep and achingly sweet.

This is really happening.

He loves me, too.

Joy pours through me, lightening my limbs, warming my soul.

We draw apart, but only inches.

I can see the darker green ring around his irises, his thick eyelashes, the tiny mole at the outer corner of his left eye.

We sit like that for a moment, just looking.

I touch my fingertips to his face and he cups my jaw with one hand.

“I haven’t seen Willa,” he finally says.

“I wanted to come here first, because I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. Because I wanted you to know that before I go see Willa. Because whatever happens… even if Willa wants full custody of Tilly and I have to give her back and fight for her… I love you and I want you in my life.”

A smile quivers on my lips.

“I was so afraid… I was sure that without Tilly here, we had no future together. You wouldn’t need me.”

“I need you,” he says in a low voice.

“I need you . Not to look after Tilly. I need you for me. I need your optimism. Your wisdom. Your sense of humor and how you never give up. Don’t ever change that.” He holds my gaze steadily.

“Once you said your optimism might be a weakness, but I disagree. It’s a strength. And your loyalty. I love that about you.”

My heart nearly explodes in my chest.

“I need you in my life to open my eyes to the whole world outside of hockey. I always told myself I didn’t need anyone else. But you and Tilly both showed me I do. I never knew how much I could love someone. Sometimes it hurts, I love you so much.”

I blink wet eyelashes at him, nodding.

“I kept thinking about our agreement. You said you didn’t want a relationship. I was afraid to admit I wanted more than just screwing around.”

He closes his eyes as if in pain.

“I’ve always been on my own. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else. I was a selfish dick.”

I make a noise in my throat and shake my head.

“Yeah, I was. Still am. But I’m working on it.” He holds my gaze steadily.

“I was so focused on being a better goaltender. But now I want to be a better man. For you. And a better father. For Tilly.”

My heart turns over in my chest and the corners of my eyes sting.

I don’t want to cry again.

I’m already a mess.

“I have so much more to tell you. But I have to go see Willa. We’ll talk later.”

“Okay.” I’m still scared about what’s going to happen.

But Ford and I will be together no matter what.

We can do it—together.

“Are you taking Tilly?”

“Yeah. Willa asked me to bring her.”

My stomach plunges all the way to my toes.

“Will you leave her with Willa?”

“We didn’t discuss that. But no. Not today.” His jaw hardens.

“We’ll figure out a plan for that.”

“Okay. Let’s get her ready. She probably needs a diaper change.”

“Yeah. I’ll do it. Come on, little girl.”

He carries her into her room and I almost lose it, but I have to keep it together.

I yank stuff out of the diaper bag and then repack it with things they’ll need for the afternoon.

I pick up her favorite bunny stuffy and add it into the bag.

When Ford comes back, he hands Tilly to me.

I smile down at her.

Thank God for all those pictures on my phone.

She’s so beautiful and perfect.

She smiles back at me.

“I love you, Tilly. So much.” I give her a gentle squeeze.

“You go see your mom. She loves you, too.”

We get her into her jacket and a hat, buckle her into the car seat, and Ford picks it up.

My eyes are wet, but I’m keeping my head up and my spine straight.

“Good luck.”

“Thanks. I love you.” He kisses me again, soft and warm and heartening.

“I love you, too.” I want to say it over and over.

Later I’ll do that.

“I’m here for you.”

Because as much as I’m devastated by the thought of losing her…

it has to be way worse for Ford.

He’s her father.

This could destroy him.

When they’re gone, I wrap my arms around my middle and turn in a circle, lost.

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine.

I believe in those words.

I try to live those words.

But right now, it’s fucking hard.