Page 21

21

ANDI

“I may have fucked up.”

“How so?” Elodie lifts an eyebrow, sitting across from me in Josephine’s Cocktail Lab.

She lifts her guava daiquiri to sip it.

“I slept with Ford.”

“Another man! Good for you.”

I blink and pick up my espresso martini.

“No, you don’t understand. Ford .”

“Honey, since your divorce you’ve been sleeping your way through the state of New Jersey. And some of New York.”

I choke on my martini.

“Oh, come on!”

She laughs.

“Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration. But that’s what you wanted—to lose your second virginity.”

Since Trevor was the only man I’d slept with prior to our divorce, I’d joked about losing my virginity again.

“Yes, but… not with a friend. Someone I know.” I rub my temple.

“Someone I have to see again because I’m helping look after his kid.”

“Oh.” Her eyebrows pull down with sympathy.

“Was it that bad?”

“Oh, God. No. It was… amazing.” I blow out a breath and resist the urge to fan myself.

Just thinking about sex with Ford makes my girl parts flutter and heat up.

She brightens.

“Ooooh, that’s good!”

“Yes, but… sex always changes things. Even though we agreed it wouldn’t be anything more than that.”

“Hmmm. That is true.”

“It wasn’t a good idea. We’re friends. We’re both looking after Tilly. What if we mess this up?”

“You’re both adults. You know the risks. If you want to keep your friendship, you have to not mess things up.”

“Huh?”

“I mean… if you know the risks, you’ll try harder to make things work with you two.”

“No.” I shake my head.

“That is not the idea. We agreed this is just sex. We both needed it.”

She studies me.

“It’s not just sex.”

I roll my eyes.

“Don’t do that. Don’t romanticize this. There is not going to be a happy ending.”

“Uh huh.” She gives me a sly look.

“I bet there was a happy ending.”

“Okay, yes, multiple, but that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. Why can’t there be a happy ending?”

“He’s focused on his career. Tilly showing up has set him back, but he’s determined. And that doesn’t leave room for any kind of romantic relationship. He’s been very honest about that. And I made the mistake once of falling for a professional athlete whose goals took precedence over mine; I’m not doing that again.”

Her expression sobers and she nods.

“I get that. Trevor was a dick to you. But that doesn’t mean Ford is the same.”

“He’s exactly the same. Okay, he says he doesn’t cheat, but his whole life is hockey. Same as Trevor. I sacrificed so much for him and then he betrayed me.”

“Hmmm. Well. I stand by my earlier statement: you two know the risks, so you’ll try harder to make things work. Whatever ‘work’ means. If that means maintaining your friendship, fine.” She takes a gulp of her drink.

“It doesn’t have to be a fuck up.”

“Okay.” I feel somewhat reassured.

“That makes sense. I just have to be careful I don’t get unrealistic ideas. Because I don’t think I could handle falling in love and then losing it again.”

“You can handle anything.”

“That’s not encouraging.”

She sighs.

“I don’t think I’m expressing myself very well here. I’m trying to support you. If you get involved with Ford and things end, you’re strong enough to handle it. You proved that last time.”

“No, it’s not you.” I shake my head.

“It’s me. I’m being difficult. I’m just… trying to protect myself.”

“I get that. But if things are really good with him in bed, enjoy! Live in the moment!”

I smile.

“ That is good advice.”

“Sometimes I have words of wisdom. Not often, mind you. How’s Tilly doing?”

I update her on the schedule we’re now attempting to follow.

“The problem is, every day is different for him. Some days he has a morning practice or a morning skate and a game; some days he doesn’t. And sometimes she just doesn’t cooperate. I was supposed to put her down for a nap from eleven till noon the other day and she wouldn’t go to sleep, the little devil.” I pause.

“But she’s awfully cute.”

Elodie smiles.

The server arrives with our meals and sets my shrimp fra diavolo in front of me, and Elodie’s rib eye in front of her.

I lean forward.

“That looks good. Want a shrimp?”

She laughs.

“Yes, and you can have a piece of steak.”

We make the exchange and then I dig into my linguine.

“The other thing that happens is we try to keep her awake after an evening feed and she just wants to go to sleep. I understand why a schedule is important though. After having her for a couple of nights while he was away, it would be great to get her sleeping through the night. Ford has to deal with that every night.” I pout a little in sympathy for him.

“It’s interesting that you’re not annoyed by all this.”

I wrinkle my nose.

“Well, I am. A little. But she’s a baby. She can’t help it. We have to help her. And Ford is doing his best. Neither of us knew anything about babies. The good thing is, he’s trying again to find a nanny. Hopefully he can find someone who can meet his high standards.”

Elodie smiles again, looking smug.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Have you heard anything from Haven after that scene at the awards dinner?”

“No! Thank God.”

“It’s kind of sad how jealous she is of you.”

“I don’t get why she’s jealous. She got the man.” I would have said that bitterly at one point, but now it just comes out neutrally.

“Maybe things aren’t that great with them.”

“They’re having a baby.”

“Yeah, but that’s not always a good thing. Trevor didn’t want kids. What if it was an accident?”

“Ohhh. I didn’t think of that.” I tip my head.

“Oh, well!”

Elodie grins.

“Not your problem.”

“Nope! And my work for Mirabella Cosmetics is going great.”

We’re sliding into a routine that sort of works.

Ford gets frustrated when Tilly won’t go to sleep at the exact time he thinks she should, but I’ve talked him through it and even though it’s not perfect, there have been a few nights she slept for eight hours.

Progress!

I’ve been doing more research about sleep and milestones and things to do with her when she’s in a wake window (look at me using this parental lingo) and I’ve been having fun playing games and making her smile and laugh.

Her laughter is honestly the best thing ever.

It totally banishes any stress or grumpiness.

“Watch this!” I say to Ford when he gets home one day.

I drag him into the living room where Tilly’s sitting with pillows all around her.

She sees him and gives him a big smile.

“She knows you!” I say.

“But this… watch… Tilly!” I call to her.

And she turns her head and looks at me.

“See? She knows her name!”

Ford is grinning hugely, and he crouches down on the floor near her.

“Hi, baby girl. You know your name! Do you know who I am?”

“Gada.”

“Close.” He picks her up to give her a cuddle.

“And she’s rolling!”

“Get out of here. Really? Can you roll over?”

“Show Daddy.”

Ford lays her down on the floor on her back.

“Okay, she hasn’t got back to tummy yet.” I give her little nudges on her diapered bottom and she moves onto her side.

Then I guide her thighs to gently turn her over.

She straightens on her arms, looking at the toy in front of her.

“God, she’s cute! Look at her chubby little legs! Okay, roll over, Tilly.”

She pushes her arms out, but doesn’t move, and then…

she does it!

She rolls onto her back!

I clap.

“Attagirl, Tilly! Look how strong you are!”

“That’s amazing.” Ford beams proudly.

He looks up at me, both of us sitting on the floor, and our eyes meet.

It’s a shared moment of pure and simple joy.

Something warm and tender passes between us.

We play with her for a while longer, but then I realize what time it is, and I have to start a business meeting.

Ford picks her up to take her back to his place.

“How long is your meeting? Do you have other meetings?”

“This’ll probably be about an hour. Nothing else today. Why?”

“I’m meeting with a possible nanny at three. I want you to meet her, too.”

I go very still.

“Oh. I… okay. Sure.”

“Great.” He kisses me, softly, slowly, then pulls back with a smile, meeting my eyes.

“Thanks. Okay, let’s go, niblet.”

I don’t move from sitting on the floor after he’s gone.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

He wants me to meet the possible nanny.

I guess he wants my opinion?

My blessing?

I don’t know.

I’m…

touched.

And surprised.

Also…

pleased.

I feel valued.

And a little worried.

I’m not Tilly’s mother.

But dammit…

I care about her.

In fact, I might be a little in love with her.

With her cute baby feet and chubby thighs and beautiful eyes.

Her smile and baby babbling and her warm, round little body.

Oh, God.

I was worried about what would happen between Ford and me when things end.

But how am I going to survive losing Tilly ?

I’m seized with unexpected anger at Willa.

I wondered before how a mother could leave her child for months.

But now I’m pissed that she did that.

How could she do that to such a sweet little girl?

She doesn’t deserve Tilly!

I have to focus on business.

I’ll deal with this jumble of emotions later.

After I meet Lieve—a young Dutch woman working here after finishing college to spend time in the US—I stay and help Ford make dinner while we talk about her.

“She’s young,” I say.

“Very young. I don’t like it.”

I smile.

“She seems responsible and mature, though. And she has experience caring for babies.”

“True.”

“You won’t like anyone.”

He grimaces.

“You’re right. Can you slice up those red peppers?”

“Yes, chef!”

He slides me a sideways look, then gives me a light swat on my butt.

I laugh and he squeezes my butt cheek and the next thing I know he has me against the counter kissing me breathless.

When I draw back, I look into his eyes.

“You have to do this,” I say softly.

“Most parents have to use childcare when they’re working.”

“I should just retire from hockey. Then there won’t be a problem.” He steps back to continue cooking the steak strips for our burrito bowls.

“I could be a stay-at-home dad.”

I laugh, then purse my lips at his serious expression.

“You’re not going to quit hockey.”

“I could.”

I lift my eyebrows.

“Okay, I probably won’t.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll be right next door. If Lieve needs anything, I’m usually there.”

Okay, wait.

Now I’m a little unhappy about someone else looking after Tilly when I’m right there.

But I do need time to focus on work.

And I’ll still take care of her when Ford’s on the road.

“Have you heard from Willa?”

“No. She said she’d reach out around the end of the month.”

“That’s not very specific.”

“I know.” He goes silent as he lifts the steak slices onto a plate.

A terrible thought has invaded my head.

“Is there any chance that you and Willa could…” I can’t find the words.

But Ford knows.

“No.” He shakes his head.

“How do you know? You two haven’t spent much time together.” Other than enough time to make a baby.

Ugh.

“I know because…” He halts, looking fixedly at the pan on the stove.

“I just know.”

I tip my head to the side.

“Okay.”