Page 14

14

FORD

“Sorry I missed the baby shower.”

I look up to see Alfie standing in front of me in the locker room.

We just finished practicing.

Everyone else has headed out but I stayed on the ice for a while with Pete, our goalie coach.

“I get it, man.” I incline my head.

“You doing okay?”

He sits on the bench and huffs out a sigh.

“Not really.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry. What can I do?”

He looks at me.

“Nothing.” Then he drops his gaze to the floor again.

“Ayla’s having a hard time dealing with things.”

“That’s understandable.”

“Yeah. I know. But…” He forks his fingers through his hair.

“At some point you have to get on with your life.”

“I guess it can take a while. And it’s probably different for different people.”

He moves his head up and down without looking up.

“I’m worried about her.”

Shit.

I have no experience with this to draw on.

When my grandparents passed away a few years ago, it was sad, but not unexpected.

When your child dies…

Jesus.

I can’t even imagine, especially now that I have Tilly.

“Is she getting help?” I ask carefully.

“Yeah. We’re both going for therapy. Together and alone. And she’s been seeing her doctor. But she hasn’t gone back to work. She doesn’t seem to have interest in anything.” He pauses.

“Including me.”

Oh, Jesus.

I stare at my buddy, a knot forming in my gut.

“I’m sorry,” I manage to say.

“I don’t know what else to say.”

He looks up with a crooked smile.

“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry. I’m just venting.”

“It’s good to talk things out. I know it’s not always easy, though. And I can always listen, even if I can’t do much else to help. Hey. Let’s go get a beer.”

“I should probably get home to Ayla. But…” He sighs.

“Okay. Sure.”

I send Andi a quick text to let her know I’ll be home a bit late, and Alfie and I decide on a place to meet up.

I don’t suggest Uncle Ernie’s, where we often hang out.

Uncle Ernie’s Café and Pizza is near where a bunch of us live, the food and drinks are great, and Ernie’s a great guy and huge hockey fan, but…

Ernie is also Ayla’s grandfather.

And Ayla used to work there.

So we meet at the Swan Dive on Palisade Avenue, a cozy little pub with lots of types of beer and decent food.

The lunch crowd has mostly cleared out so we find a table in the back corner.

I order a Raging Bitch IPA and Alfie gets a Three Sheets ale.

“So.” Elbows on the table, Alfie turns his beer glass.

“Yeah. Life sucks sometimes.”

“How are you doing?” he asks.

“With the baby.”

“Well. We’ve managed not to drop her on her head.”

“We?”

“My neighbor. And friend. I tried to hire a nanny and it didn’t work out.” I make a face and tell him about Andi and how we’ve been coordinating schedules.

“Lucky you have her,” he remarks.

“You figured out diaper changes and all that?”

“More or less. I did put an outfit on her upside down one day. Andi thought that was hilarious. I wondered why it didn’t seem to fit right.”

“Haha. Yeah, there’s a lot to learn. When Kane was a newborn, every time he made a noise I ran over to pick him up. Didn’t realize he was just making noise in his sleep. He made a lot of noise in his sleep.”

Alfie keeps talking about Kane and I just smile and listen.

This is probably good for him.

I bet nobody wants to bring up his baby, but clearly he wants to talk.

I may not have any advice for how to deal with grief, but I can do this.

An hour later, Alfie seems happier and more relaxed.

“Thanks for listening, man.”

“Hey, no problem. Any time. We can do this again.”

“Maybe some time I could meet Matilda.”

I feel a bite in my chest.

“Yeah. For sure. Whenever you’re ready.”

I head home, eager to see my little princess.

How things have changed.

I’ve gone from being terrified and dreading being alone with her to missing her.

Wow.

I go to Andi’s place because she took Tilly there this morning so she could work while Tilly sleeps.

I find Andi flustered and pissed off.

“What’s wrong?” I take Tilly from her.

“Hi, sweetie.”

“You’re late!”

“I texted you.”

“I know, but you didn’t ask me, you just told me you were going to be late! And I had a meeting scheduled and we had another Zoom adventure. Oh my God.”

Oh, boy.

“What happened?” I remember that other time Tilly caused problems in a meeting.

“She was crying because she had a poopy diaper. So I put myself on mute and yelled at her to wait just a few minutes, pleeeeease. But I wasn’t on mute.” She rubs her temples.

“And then I did it again when I went to get her and it turned out she had a huge blow out and there was poop everywhere, and everyone heard me going, ‘Oh no, Tilly, you have shat everywhere, what have you done?’ and I think I probably lost that client.”

I roll my lips in because I want to laugh.

But I don’t think Andi sees this as funny.

Yet.

She will.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I was talking to Alfie and he seemed like he needed to talk so I suggested we go get a beer.”

“A beer. I lost a client so you could have a beer.”

My amusement disappears.

“It wasn’t just getting a beer. He’s going through hell. He and his wife are having problems because his wife can’t get past what happened. Their baby died.”

I’ve told her about that.

She knows it was a tragic accident.

She takes a deep breath.

“He talked about his son,” I continue, a little annoyed.

“I think it was good for him.”

She closes her eyes briefly.

“I don’t think it’s fair to me that you did that without checking with me first.”

Now I drag a big breath into my lungs and let it out.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have asked. I’m just so used to being on my own.”

She nods.

“I get that.”

“I could have met up with Alfie later. Maybe.”

Her stiff posture deflates.

“Okay. Thanks. I get that it was important to you to talk to him.”

“It was. I just didn’t think.”

“Please don’t take me for granted.”

Shit.

I jerk my chin down.

“You’re right. Absolutely. I do appreciate what you’re doing for us, and I hope you didn’t lose a client. I’m sorry.”

“I was also worried because you don’t do stuff like that on the spur of the moment. You always stick to your routine.”

“True.” I scrunch up my face and think about that.

“I just… did what I thought I needed to do. He seemed really down.”

She tilts her head.

“I get it. I’m glad you were there for him.”

“Okay.”

We look at each other for a heavy moment.

Then I say, “Did we just have a fight like a married couple?”

A slow smile tugs at her mouth.

“I think we did.”

“Yikes.”

“Does that mean we get to have makeup sex now?” I give her a hopeful look.

Our eyes meet.

Uh…

whoa.

I’ve always made jokes like that around Andi.

This time it doesn’t land like it usually does.

Because I’m actually thinking about sex with her.

And usually she responds with a smart-ass comment and an eye roll.

But now…

the look in her eyes, her gaze locked on my face, then lowering to my mouth…

I know what that means.

My body responds.

What if we did it?

What if we had sex?

No.

That can’t happen.

Apart from the baby in my arms, Andi is off limits, obviously.

As a friend.

A neighbor.

And now someone helping me with my daughter.

“Kidding!” I say lightly.

“Wow, is it hot in here?” I wipe my brow.

“Or is that just you?”

She laughs, but it sounds a little strangled.

The air is still crackling around us.

“Alfie says he wants to meet Tilly.”

Andi clears her throat.

“That’s great.”

“Yeah. I think it’s progress. Well. I’ll take this little girl off your hands so you can get work done. Go suck up to that client.”

“Good idea.” She gives me a wry smile.

“I cleaned her up and gave her bath so she’s all good now.” She looks at Tilly.

“Matilda Grace, you rascal.”

She says it so affectionately my heart expands hard against my sternum.

“Bye, baby,” she adds.

“See you tomorrow.”

Tomorrow.

I have nothing else going on today.

“Hey. Let me make you dinner to apologize for being late.”

“Oh. You don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I want to. Come over around six?”

She tilts her head, purses her lips, and I see wheels turning in her head.

Then she says, “Okay. Thanks.”

This makes me happy as I leave her place and go home.

I need to buy something to make for dinner, though, so first I make a shopping list and then Tilly and I head out again.

I put her in her stroller and walk to Trader Joe’s.

I don’t mind cooking but all I usually eat is what’s planned by Victor—lots of protein and veggies.

I can make something really good for Andi.

I pick up some of the sweetcorn, burrata, and basil ravioli.

I’ll serve them with a brown butter and garlic sauce.

And a salad.

I peruse various options and decide on a Caesar salad.

I toss a chunk of fresh parmesan and a loaf of focaccia bread into the basket.

Tilly sleeps through my shopping expedition, so I take my time collecting all the other things on my list.

Tilly’s waking up on the way home, so we stop in the park.

I stroll along the path and sit on a bench to take Tilly out of the stroller.

A couple of young mothers sit across from me with their babies and strollers.

“Hi,” one of them says to me with a smile.

“How old is your baby?”

“She’s four months.”

“Aw. What a little sweetie.”

“How about yours?” I ask, making conversation.

“Broderick is six months,” she replies.

The other woman says, “This is Rebecca and she’s just two months old. I also have a two-year-old. We were just talking about baby-led weaning.”

Ha.

I know what that is.

When Turks and Holly came over to give me baby advice, they told me about that.

“I’ve thought about introducing her to some solid foods,” I say.

“I think she’s still a bit young.”

“Yeah.” Mom Number One nods.

“But you could give her a slice of avocado or a cooked carrot just to give her the taste.”

I chat with the moms for a few minutes.

“Does your little guy sleep through the night?” I ask Mom Number One.

“Yeah, he does. He has been since he was about three months old.”

“Wow. That’s great.” I rub my forehead.

“I’d give just about anything for a full night of sleep.”

“It’s all about the routine,” she says.

My ears perk up.

“Routine?”

“Uh huh. You need an eat, wake, sleep cycle.”

“Tell me more.”

Tilly’s a little fussy when we get home so I do the usual stuff to try to calm her.

It seems she just wants to be held, so I tuck her into the baby sling so I can get things done.

I try to get her to go to sleep, but she’s not having it.

She kicks her legs and gums her ball toy.

“Hey, Tilly girl. Do you want to change, too? Let’s get you into something nicer for dinner.”

I look through the new things I bought her and pull out a little pair of knit pants and matching sweater in a greenish-blue color.

There are matching socks too.

When she’s dressed, I admire her.

“That color really brings out your eyes.”

She coos in agreement.

“Okay. Andi should be here soon. Let’s go.”