Page 20

20

FORD

“Hi, niblet,” I greet my daughter the next morning.

She looks up at me now, beams a big smile and says, “Badadaga!”

I turn to Andi.

“I think she’s trying to say daddy!”

She grins.

“She could be.”

I pick Tilly up and hold her in front of me.

She babbles more and I kiss her cheeks, then cuddle her.

“I missed you. Did you watch my games?”

“We did. Well, I did. Tilly watched parts of them.”

“How did things go?”

“We survived.” She makes a face.

“Actually, things were fine. Elodie came and looked after her yesterday while I went to a meeting, so that was a big help. I just wish this little girl was sleeping through the night.”

“I know. I’m going to get her sleeping. She’s going to be on a schedule all day. Remember that app?”

She nods, but eyes me doubtfully.

“How are you going to do that, with your own schedule? And my schedule?”

“Well, you’ll have to help,” I say with a beseeching expression.

“I’ve been tracking everything, and now I have a schedule. I’ll write it all down. Or you could download the app, too.”

“I guess I could do that.”

“Do it now. I can show you everything.”

She gets her phone and we sit next to each other on the couch while I explain things to her and tell her about full feedings, wake windows, and dream feeds.

“Wow, you’ve really been doing your research,” she says.

I nod seriously.

“Yes. So this is the schedule we have to follow.”

“It seems very detailed.” She still seems skeptical.

“It is. It has to be. Starting today. I have a day off so this is a good time to start.”

“Okay. Let me know how it goes.”

What?

She’s leaving?

Okay, right.

She doesn’t have a day off.

I shake my head.

“Yeah. I will.”

“Game tomorrow, right? So, the usual game day routine?”

“Right. The game’s at six, so it’ll be a bit of an earlier night.” I smile.

“I remember when I used to go out bar hopping after a Saturday night game. Good times.”

“Yeah. I remember when I used to do the same on a Saturday night,” she says dryly.

I tilt my head.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” Then I frown.

“You want to go bar hopping?”

She thinks about it.

“Not really. But we need to talk about that.”

“About bar hopping?”

She lowers her chin.

“About hiring a nanny for Tilly.”

I exhale sharply.

“I know.”

“I like helping,” she says gently.

“And I’m kind of getting attached to the niblet. But it’s getting really hard for both of us. I’m losing clients, you’re uh…”

I scowl.

“Playing like shit.”

After our road trip, Coach calls me into his office.

“Are you sick?” he asks bluntly.

“Hurt?”

“No.” Just tired.

“Something’s wrong.”

I bow my head wearily.

“My daughter isn’t sleeping through the night. I only get a couple of hours’ sleep at a time. I can’t nap during the day because her schedule and my schedule don’t line up. The other day when I got her up in the morning, I discovered she was wearing two diapers. In the middle of the night when I changed her I was so tired I just put a clean diaper over the dirty one.”

“Who looks after her when you’re here?” he asks.

“My neighbor. She’s been great about helping out, but she has a business she runs so she’s busy.” She’s also one of my distractions, dammit.

“We’ve got my schedule covered, though, it’s not a problem.”

“It is a problem when you’re playing like shit.”

I close my eyes.

I already know I’ve been playing like shit.

He doesn’t have to tell me.

“Yeah.”

“Do you need some time off?” he asks.

“Guys have babies, sometimes they take some time to spend with the new baby. Obviously, you never did that.”

“No. And no. I don’t need time off.”

“And the baby’s mother? Where is she now?”

“Still with her parents in North Dakota. Apparently, they’re having a slow recovery from their injuries and she’s still helping them. She said she needs another month.”

“Huh. Maybe you should try to get other childcare. This is your career, Ford.”

“I know.” I try not to sound snarly.

I’m as frustrated as anyone about how I’ve been playing.

Probably more so.

“I know. Believe me, I’m trying. I worked hard all summer.”

“I know you did. Look, we just want you at your best. If there’s anything we can help with, say the word. You need to be healthy.”

“I get it. Thanks. I appreciate the support.”

I am so fucked.

Smitty’s still hanging out in the player lounge, looking at his phone.

Probably looking at Instagram images of that pop singer he smashed at the All-Star game.

He’s been obsessed with her ever since.

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and lean against the counter as I chug it.

He glances up at me.

Takes in my expression.

Looks back down at his phone.

I trudge over to one of the couches and sit.

“Everything okay?” Smitty asks.

“What do you think?” I lift the water bottle to my lips again.

“Is that a serious question? Or rhetorical?”

“It was rhetorical. You don’t need to answer. Everything is not okay.”

He gives me a sympathetic look.

“What happened to my life?” I lean my head back and close my eyes.

“Everything was going according to plan.”

“Life doesn’t always go like we plan.”

“I know.” I exhale a sigh.

“But I want it to. I like having a plan.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t want kids. I like living my life just the way I want it. Free. My only responsibilities were to me and the team.”

He grunts enigmatically and I lower my chin to peer at him.

“What?”

“That sounds like a selfish existence.”

“I am selfish.”

“No, you’re not.”

I squint at him again.

“Have you met me?”

He almost smiles.

“Yeah. Okay, when you’re single and committed to your career, you can be self-centered.”

“See?”

“But that’s not the same as selfish.”

I squint at him.

“What?”

“Selfish means…” He pauses, thinking.

“You make your needs a priority over everyone else’s.”

I nod.

“That’s what I do.”

“Is it though? Self-centered is more like being preoccupied with your own needs and wants but you can still care about other people. When you’re single and alone, of course you’re self-centered. There’s nobody else to care about. But when you’re selfish, you pursue your own goals at the expense of others.”

I still think the hockey skate fits.

But I let that roll around in my tired brain.

So he’s saying…

when I’m alone it’s okay to be self-centered because it’s not hurting anyone else.

Maybe?

But when I’m not alone…

which I no longer am, thanks to Tilly showing up…

pursuing my goals at her expense is selfish.

Is that what I’ve been doing?

I haven’t exactly been pursuing my goal since she arrived.

I’ve given up taekwondo, meditation sessions, time with my friends.

A clean home.

Ha.

An orderly schedule.

Sleep.

Dammit, I miss sleep.

I don’t like it, but I’ve done it.

Because…

because she’s my daughter and I have no choice.

But I do have a choice.

I could have hired a nanny, dumped Tilly on her all day and night while I followed my dream.

I didn’t do that.

Maybe there’s hope for me?

“Maybe when things don’t go the way you planned, the universe is trying to tell you something.”

I give Smitty a skeptical look.

“I didn’t know you were into that woo-woo stuff.”

He makes a face and shrugs.

“Ohhh. This is about whatshername… the singer… Nikki.”

He rolls his eyes.

“You’re still trying to hook up with her again?”

His shoulders slump.

“It’s not gonna happen. I’m busy traveling. She’s busy traveling. Recording. Doing music videos. So… yeah, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.”

“Huh.”

“But back to you,” he says pointedly.

“Sometimes we need to learn things. Get stronger. You don’t get stronger taking it easy. You should know that.”

Yeah.

All those muscle-burning, mind-fucking workouts weren’t exactly taking it easy.

But I wanted to get stronger.

Better.

“Life lesson,” I murmur.

“Yeah. Maybe you need to change direction. Take a break.” He shrugs.

“Shit. Coach just asked if I want to take some time off.”

He purses his lips.

“Might be an idea.”

“I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because of my plan. My goal.” The only one I’ve talked to about this is Andi.

“You think your hockey career will be trashed by taking a little time off?”

I stare across the room.

“Yeah.”

“But if you don’t… you might be losing out on something else.”

Tilly.

Even…

Andi.

“They’re going to leave anyway.”

Smitty’s forehead creases.

“They?”

I sink my teeth into my bottom lip.

“Er…”

Then his eyes widen.

“Ohhhh. You caught feelings for your neighbor.”

I meet his eyes briefly, then look away.

“No, I haven’t. But… we are sleeping together.”

“Ah.”

“Just friends,” I add hastily.

“No commitment. She feels the same. I’m not looking for long term.”

He gives me a doubting look.

“I meant, Tilly’s going to leave. When Willa comes back. Whenever the fuck that is.” I rub my forehead.

“She’s going to leave anyway. So… I need to be selfish. I can’t get all involved.”

“That sounds really fucked up. But I think I get it. You’ve caught feelings for her, too.”

“She’s my daughter.” Just saying those words gives me a chill of fear.

Yeah, I’m afraid.

When it comes to Tilly, I’m afraid of so many things.

I’m afraid I’ll mess up.

I’m afraid I’ll let her down.

I’m afraid she’ll get hurt.

But most of all I’m afraid I’ve “caught feelings” for her when she’s only here for a short time.

And when she leaves, I’m going to be wrecked.

And when Tilly leaves…

Andi leaves.

There’ll be no need for her to hang around with me anymore.

And that…

that’s what I’ve always been afraid of.

That I’m not worth being loved.

Tilly will go back to her mom and yeah, I intend to fight that, but what if Willa doesn’t want to share custody?

It could get ugly, and in the meantime, Tilly won’t remember me.

She won’t miss me.

And Andi will find some dude who’s not selfish or self-centered or whatever, someone who puts her first.

She deserves that.

And I’ll be alone.

“I’ve always known I’m better off alone,” I tell Smitty.

“And that’s okay. I don’t need anyone.”

“Oh, man.” He shakes his head.

“So it’s better if I keep playing. Keep myself in the game.” And protect myself from the pain I know is coming.

“Remember Kosinski?” He’s talking about our previous team captain, who got traded last year.

“Yeah?”

“You know what his problem was?”

“He was an asshole.”

Smitty grins.

“Yeah. But you know what the coaches thought of him?” He pauses.

“He wasn’t coachable.”

“Ooookay.” Where is this going?

“We all know what that means, when someone’s uncoachable.”

“Yeah. Not willing to learn. Not open to doing things differently. Doesn’t listen to feedback or learn from it.”

“Exactly. I think we can be like that in life, too.”

“Oh. I see. You’re dragging me. Got it.”

He laughs and gets up.

“Think about it. See you tomorrow.”