Page 7 of I’m So Mega

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner . . .

“Megatron, I promise if you embarrass our daughter tonight, you will forget that I have a pussy. Play with me if you think it’s sweet.” Ruth had been saying the same thing for three days now.

I rubbed my hand down the waves in my hair.

I took a final look in the mirror to make sure I was presentable.

Ruth had me looking like I was on my way to a job interview with these khakis and polo shirt.

She was lucky that I looked good in everything.

“Ruth, no one is about to embarrass that lil girl. I got it.”

“‘Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.’ That’s what it says, Ruth.

” I turned her body toward me, put my finger under her chin, then tilted her head backward.

I loved the hell out of this woman. I kissed her lips passionately.

With my lips still close to hers, I spoke.

“So, wife, what that means is, if we ain’t fuckin’, then we’re praying.

As long as we mutually agree, of course. ”

She sucked her teeth before she smacked my arm and giggled. “You get on my nerves. Mega, just give them like five percent of you. Maggie and Kellie are in her room about to walk up the wall with their nerves.”

I wasn’t sure why they were worried. “Ned and I already promised to be on our best behavior. Five percent though, Ruth?”

“Y’all come on down here. Everyone is waiting on y’all like usual.” My mama rudely walked into our bedroom. Yeah, the door was open, but still. You would think this was her house and not the one next door.

I huffed. “Mama, I don’t even know why you’re here. You weren’t on the guest list.”

“Boy, first of all, I don’t have to be on a guest list to come see about my grands. Second, y’all hired my husband to cater this dinner. Where did you think I was going to be?” Her hands went to her hips, and her neck did this twist thing. “I’m gonna be right here with my man.”

I scoffed at her mention of her husband. “I ain’t hire that man to do nothing. That was this one right here. I could have cooked the damn food.”

I hired a nigga to cook one meal for me and my wife years ago, and his ass never left.

Next thing I knew, his car was in my mama’s driveway at ungodly hours.

I had to let her know that fornication counted for their old asses too.

After a while, she got tired of my fussing, so she spent more time at his place.

I was happy to know the nigga had his own shit.

I mean I knew that when I had Mauri pull his file after him and my mama went on their first date.

Outside of Samuel Dawson being four years older than my mama, there was nothing that I could say I objected to. Well, the fact that he was with my mama, but that was another subject. I gave him her hand in marriage almost six years ago.

Ruth stood from her vanity seat, walked over to me, then wrapped her arms around my waist. “Well, since you could have cooked it, don’t eat anything that Samuel made. You go in the kitchen and cook what you’re going to eat.”

The bridge of my nose scrunched. “Now you’re just talking crazy. Yeah, I could have cooked the food, but since he did, I’m going to eat it. I paid for it.”

“You ain’t pay for shit, Mega. Stop playing with me and ya stepdaddy.” Goldie had this jokey smile on her face. She knew I hated it when she called that man my stepdaddy.

“Mama, I’m a grown man,” I fussed. “Stop that stepdaddy stuff. Y’all come on so we can get to our guests.”

I unwrapped Ruth’s arms from around my waist. She and my mama were on some other stuff.

I didn’t have any real beef with Samuel.

He was a good dude that made my mother smile permanently.

It was hard to see my mama with a man when I never really had.

The one time that I did, he had a hand problem, and now he didn’t have any hands, compliments of me.

That was over like twenty-five years ago.

When I got to the den, everyone looked up at me like I was out of place in my own house.

My daughter and niece sat next to each other like they were about to walk the plank.

Each lil nigglet sat next to their parents.

Ryne was here with his mother and father, while Payton was here with only his mother.

I took his mother in and how she dressed.

She was young, but I would never judge her for that.

“Good evening, folks. Let me go check with the chef to see if dinner is ready.” I had already greeted them when they came into my home. Ryne’s father seemed cool, but I could tell he thought that I was doing too much.

I wasn’t sure what Samuel cooked, but it smelled great. The man could cook anything. “Samuel, what it do?”

“Mega! Mega! Mega!” A little voice called out to me. The fourth little girl who stole my heart climbed out of her seat to rush over to me.

“Megan! What are you doing here?” I opened my arms to receive her. “Girl, you’re getting big. I can barely pick you up.”

She laughed when I tickled her stomach. “Stop, Mega! I made you something.”

I let her down so she could run back to the table to pick up whatever she made me. I moved on the opposite side of the island from where Samuel stood. His eyes were locked on Megan.

“Here! Here!” Megan handed me a piece of paper with a lot of colors on it. Beyond the kaleidoscope of colors, four words were brighter than them all. Best Big Brother Ever! I was sure someone helped her spell the words.

Yep, a nigga had a four almost five-year-old little sister. It was crazy that Megan’s niece and nephews were older than her. I’d admit when my mama and Samuel broke the news to me, I wasn’t happy.

Years Earlier . . .

“Mama Goldie and Samuel inviting us to dinner is so nice,” Ruth cooed. “I wonder what he cooked. It doesn’t even matter because I know it’s going to be amazeballs.”

My head snapped in Ruth’s direction. “Amazeballs? What the hell is that, Ruth? Don’t ever say that again. The only time I want to hear about amazing balls is when my balls are in your. . . Ow!”

She slapped the shit out of me on the back of my head. “Megatron, stop playing with me. Hurry up and get us there so I can eat.”

“Motherhood has made you violent. We’re gonna have to discuss this with Doc in our next session. I will not be the abused husband.” I turned my nose up at her.

She sucked her teeth, told me to shut up, then put her nose back in her e-reader.

The disrespect is too real. Dinner was at Samuel’s house which, to me, was a red flag.

They spent more time at my mama’s house than his, so why was dinner at his place.

I could see through the bullshit. Furthermore, when Mama Naomi told us that she would watch the kids while we had dinner, I knew it was about to be some bullshit.

My mama never missed a chance to spend time and feed her grandchildren, so that was red flag number two.

Our house was almost forty minutes away from Samuel’s farm.

The man actually lived on a farm and was a true country boy.

I was country, but not Samuel’s type of country.

I respected the way he lived though. He was a man that was about his business, minded his business, and made sure my mama was at the top of that business.

My mother met me and Ruth at the door when we got to the house. Red flag number three. Goldie Manfield Dawson wasn’t that courteous. “My loves! I’m so happy y’all could make it.”

“Hey, Ma. You look nice.” I complimented her. I moved to the side so she and my abusive wife could embrace. Ruth probably learned it from my mama. Goldie was quick to lift a hand and drop it on someone’s head.

My mama brought us straight to the dining room where the food was already on the table. Samuel came out of the kitchen with two beers. “What’s up, Mega, man?”

I dapped him up after he handed me one of the beers. I took a sip before I responded to his question. “Ain’t too much, old dog.”

We all sat down, Samuel said the grace, then we dug in. Baked chicken, collard greens, rice, macaroni, and yams. We talked about a lot of nothing while we ate. I was about to get my second helping of macaroni when my mama cleared her throat. Here we go.

“Samuel and I wanted to invite you here because we wanted to tell you something.” She looked nervous. “I know we haven’t been married that long, but ? —”

I threw my hands up. “Man, I know I ain’t give you my mama’s hand in marriage for y’all to tell me it ain’t working out.

” I pointed my finger at my mother, at Samuel, then back at my mother.

“Y’all better work it out. Divorce ain’t an option around these parts.

I’m going to give y’all Draco’s number so y’all can get some marriage counseling. ”

“Boy, shut up! Ain’t no one getting divorced!” Mama fussed. She waved me off, then blurted, “I’m pregnant.”

There was a weird taste in my mouth, and my ears started to pop.

There was no way my old ass mama said she was pregnant.

“What did you just say?” After she repeated herself, I plopped back in my seat.

“Now ain’t this some crazy stuff here. Samuel, I told your ass a long time ago that her stuff still damn worked.

You thought I was joking? Ruth, you hear this? ”

When I turned to look at my wife, she had tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. “Oh my Gosh! Mama Goldie, Pop Samuel, congratulations. This is so amazing!”

“Amazing! You can’t be serious,” I mumbled.

“Ma, I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m forty.

How the hell you look giving me a brother or sister at my old ass age in your old age.

” I stood to my feet. “See, I knew I should have had the talk with this nigga when they first started dating. Now your irresponsible peen got my mama pregnant,” I said before I pointed at Samuel.