Page 19 of I’m So Mega

Let’s Talk About David . . .

I was a little nervous tonight. In the six months that Real Men Love The Lord group had been in existence, this was my first time teaching a story solo.

We met once a week, and for the first couple of months, Pastor Gilmore attended.

I didn’t feel like he was micromanaging me.

His guidance in our group helped. I mean, I knew Big G, but he talked to me differently than most people.

Tonight, Pastor Gilmore was here more as just a group member and not the pastor.

We’d just finished eating and talking sports and all that stuff.

A few weeks ago, I bought all my niggas and white boy John name-engraved bibles.

I wanted them to feel included in this thing.

Plus, when I told Ruth what I wanted to do, she gave me so much holy vagina.

Yeah, there was no sin with sexually being attracted to your wife and acting on it.

We all finally sat around in the den. “Alright, y’all.

When I thought about what I wanted to talk to y’all about, I wanted it to be relatable.

Sometimes, the bible can be hard to follow.

That’s why I made sure it was the New Living Translation that I got y’all.

That’s the one my wife and I use when we do our bible study. ”

They nodded. They all had their ‘sword of armor’ as Ruth called it. When I asked if they were ready, they all nodded. My gaze drifted toward Pastor Gilmore. He gave me a smile that urged me to continue.

“Tonight, I want to focus on 2 Samuel 11:1 - 12:15.” I saw some eyes widen and waved my hands.

“Chill. I know that seems like a lot. I’m a break it down for y’all.

Now, this is the story of David and Bathsheba.

Men, when I tell y’all this story had me looking at my man David on some real opps type flow.

“First, let me tell y’all, I relate to that man, not the opps part, but the part where he was a man after God’s heart.” I smiled. “That’s my life for sure.”

Pastor Gilmore sat forward in his seat. “So, what’s up with David and Bathsheba? I would love to hear your breakdown and interpretation of the story.”

“Yeah, so ya boy David was the King of Israel and not on some play, play type stuff. He had it all.” I rapped “Money, Power, Respect . ”

I smiled when everyone including the pastor responded. “What you need in life!” We all went up for a few seconds.

“But yeah, that man had all that. Check it! One night he was on his balcony that looked over the whole kingdom. Now I’m not sure what he was doing up there, but if you asked me, he was more than likely smoking a blunt.

” I raised my hand. “Now, Pastor Gilmore, he had to be a lil high to trip the way he did.”

Pastor Gilmore erupted in laughter. Croy and Ned shook their heads. “Only you,” Ned mumbled.

“So, he up there chillin’, minding his business and looking down low.

Now Bathsheba was outside taking a bath.

They did that after their periods and stuff.

Now why she was outside taking a bath is beyond me, ’cause Ruth would have her head between the mantel and Alabaster box .

. . respectfully,” I said with conviction.

Desmond sat up. “I mean, was she single though? Sound like she was on some thirst trap shi . . . I mean flow.

“Nah, she had a whole husband. We gonna get to that though. So, like I said, she was out there washing, and David saw her. Personally, I think he was momentarily on some creep type stuff. We all get caught up from time to time when it comes to a woman. In hindsight, when I met my wife, I was on some stalker, creep type flow. She knew what it was though.”

Everyone chuckled because they all knew the story of Ruth and me. With the exception of three men, they all were from Coreland. They knew even this Mega could get active if pushed. I was a continual project for Big G.

“David was on a smash mission. He asked his homeboy about the chick, and his homeboy was like nah, that Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba.

” My head tilted. “Here’s the thing. Uriah wasn’t a nobody.

Not to say a nobody deserves how David was about to play it.

Uriah was one of David’s soldiers out there on the battlefield. ”

Chris sucked his teeth. “Man, this sound like it’s about to be one of them stories like when dudes be deployed over there to Iraq and their women be on some shady stuff. Some dudes be out of pocket with it.”

“Right, Chris. That’s what it was too. His homeboy told him what was up, and David still had them boys go get her.

I don’t know what kind of game that man ran on Bathsheba, but it must a been like mine when I was single.

” I tittered. “I’m not saying that Bathsheba was a ho, but she did bust it open, and he bought it back. ”

Again, Pastor Gilmore laughed. “That she did, Brother Mega. The game he ran was real.”

“It had to be something because she threw that loyalty to her husband out of the window,” Ned pointed out. “I’m not that big of a man. I would have burned that whole kingdom down. David would be the king of ashes.”

His statement was met with loud chuckles. “I feel you. I’m not ever sure that I’m that far in my sinner’s transitional program,” I admitted. “I would have failed that lab with pride on my chest, Pastor.”

I let the room simmer for a minute before I continued. “So, David smashed and sent her on her way. The only thing was that he sent her with a lil David package unintentionally.”

“No! I know she’s not pregnant.” Desmond’s eyes became two sizes too large for its sockets. “Yeah, that’s not cool. What he do?”

I closed my eyes for a moment as I shook my head in disgust. “David was cold with it. His mind told him to call Uriah from the battlefield like that man wasn’t busy.

He was on some go chill at the house with your wife and get in that pus .

. . have sex with her. He wanted the people to think the baby was Uriah’s. ”

White boy John tittered. “Bathsheba sounds like my fake baby mama. I should do one of those ancestry things on her to see if she’s a descendant of Bathsheba.”

That was funny. White boy John was a fan of black girls.

He took care of a baby for two and a half years that wasn’t biologically his.

The only reason he found out was because the baby was diagnosed with sickle cell.

The mother didn’t have the trait and, clearly, he didn’t, which prompted the paternity test.

“You a fool. Well, Uriah was a real one because he was like nah, I got to go back to the battlefield with my dudes and fight this war. That man didn’t even want to be tempted by the—Yo, Pastor, can I just say pussy?

” I asked. This story was hard to tell my way.

I could censor the curse words, but damn.

His eyes lingered on me for a beat. “Go ahead if it will help you make the story relatable for the fellas. I don’t want to make it a habit though.”

“Bet, I got you. Uriah wasn’t about to follow David up. He slept outside so he wouldn’t be tempted to dig in his wife’s pussy,” I said then sighed. “That was so much easier to express. I’ll use it sparingly.”

Croy chortled. “That man must have known David was on that dumb stuff. Not too many people would give up a chance to smash their wife, war or not. Sometimes sex with ya wife is just the pickup you need. I know from experience.”

“So do I,” Pastor Gilmore admitted. “There’s a special bond, a soul tie when you can be intimate with the person that God blessed you with. Especially when she’s got that good stuff.”

I could see the surprise on some of the men’s faces at the pastor’s honesty.

That was why I messed with him. I didn’t always have to worry about the formalities of it all with him.

He understood that Big G met people where they were, and it was his job to guide them in their growth with Big G, not dictate it.

“Back to the story. David ain’t like that, so he was like, let me try this again. He had a little kickback and got that man drunk. David thought, if I can get Uriah drunk, then he’s definitely gonna go home to give Bathsheba that dick.” I glanced at Pastor. “Let me cook.”

Mel, another dude in the group, huffed. “He’s doing a lot to cover up that pregnancy. Shoot, he already sinned. Why not use herbs or something as a baby be gone?”

I glared at Mel for a second before my eyes softened.

“I mean, that’s not a bad idea in the grand scale since he already was doing the most, but nah.

After Uriah didn’t fall for his drunk scheme, David made the ultimate opps move.

They didn’t have cell phones, pigeons, or kites, so he sent a letter to the general Joab.

I’on know who carried that letter, but I’m too nosy to not have looked at it. I would have been all in it.”

Everyone agreed. No one could tell me any different. Most people were innately nosy. When they asked me what the letter said, I paused for a moment. “Man, he told Joah to put Uriah on the front line and for everyone else to fall back. He straight gave that man a death sentence.”

“Yeah, that was opps behavior.” Desmond sat back in his seat. “Ain’t no way that man did all that for some coochie that wasn’t his.”

It felt good that everyone was locked into the story. I really wanted them to get the story so they could get the revelation. I knew that was what Big G wanted.

“Desmond, the first time I read this story, I almost cussed my wife out on some if you ever. Man, I was low-key traumatized for a second.” I chortled.

“David had to get the timing just right since ole girl was preggo. He let her mourn for a lil tee-tee before he married her, and she had the baby. I’m sure the rumors were buzzing, but no one knew any better. ”