Page 46

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

-Clay-

THE STARS OUTSIDE blurred past as I sat on my bunk, worry gnawing away at me. We were approaching the wormhole too fast. Everything was going too fast. I couldn't think.

Lost inside my own head, I didn’t notice Caldwell come in until he sat down next to me, making the bunk dip.

He gave me a weary smile. “I thought we were never going to leave that ship.”

I nodded absently and pushed myself up. My mind was spinning with everything I wanted to say to Arcay, but would never get the chance to. It still hadn’t really sunk in.

The bond was weaker now, stretched and thinning fast, but I could still feel Arcay’s crippling sadness.

I was adrift in it, lost and floating in nothingness. Frozen in place, but moving too fast at the same time. I needed something to cling to, and right now the only thing left was making sure the crew got home safely. It was mostly my fault this had happened to them.

“Five minutes until we hit the wormhole,” Caldwell said.

Five minutes. How could that be possible? It felt like only three seconds ago I was waking up in Arcay’s bed.

“Is everyone ok?” I asked, at a total loss about what else to say.

Caldwell nodded. “I think we’re all going to be alright now.” He joined me at the window, clapped a hand on my shoulder, and squeezed it. “I don’t know how you did it, but you saved us. All of us. Thank you.”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t me,” I said. “It was Arcay.”

Caldwell was silent for a while, and when he spoke again his voice was careful.

“Clay, what was that all about down there? Why wouldn’t you come aboard?”

I swallowed. “It’s complicated.”

I didn’t want to go into detail, not now, and not with him. Caldwell was my best friend, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t help the anger burning in my core. He’d forced me on the ship. He’d forced me away from Arcay. He probably thought he was doing the right thing, and who knows, maybe he was. I scrubbed my hand over my face.

He gave me a long, considered look, then smiled again. “Well, it’s over now.”

The reality of it all slowly sunk in. Yeah, it was over. I was going home. This was exactly what I had wanted since Arcay snatched me from our ship…how long ago? It felt like years.

Now I had my precious freedom, and what was I going back to? A rotation of working long hours and week-long alcohol-fueled benders. No ties, no responsibilities. Doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with no one cramping my style or making me feel things I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t have any family to speak of; my mum died years ago, I didn’t have any siblings, and I’d never met my dad. There was my job, of course, and I enjoyed that most of the time. And I had a few friends. And…I wracked my brain. There had to be something more, that couldn’t be all there was. But right then I couldn’t think of a single thing apart from long, lonely evenings in my one bed apartment. Why had I been so desperate to get back to that?

Suddenly, freedom felt a lot like loneliness.

The bunk creaked as I flopped down onto it, numbness spreading through my body.

“Are you alright?” Caldwell asked.

I nodded. He kept watching me and the awkward silence stretched out.

“Clay, I feel like there’s some…things you might need to talk about.” He shifted uncomfortably and I could tell what was coming. “When you were down there, you said you and the big alien guy…” Arcay, I wanted to shout. His name is Arcay. “They didn’t make you…” he trailed off, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.

I bristled. As much as I didn’t want to talk about it, I couldn’t have him, or anyone, thinking about Arcay like that.

“No, it wasn’t like that.” I rubbed my forehead. “Arcay wasn’t like that. He didn’t do anything to me that I…didn’t want him to.” Sure at the start it was different, a mess of hormones and pheromones and epic sexual frustration, and we clashed like planets colliding. But it changed. Arcay changed. And I changed. I didn’t know how to explain it, so I settled for saying, “He was nice. He was really nice, actually. He was great.”

“Right,” Caldwell said, nodding and staring out at the passing stars. “It’s just that after the way you were acting, the captain was worried they might have, I dunno, brainwashed you or something.”

“What? No. I wasn’t brainwashed. Why the hell would he think that?”

“Well, I mean you were being kinda erratic.”

“That’s because you lot were forcing me to get on the ship.”

“You didn’t want to come?”

“No. Well. Yeah of course I wanted to come with you guys, but not like that. I had to see Arcay. I can feel that something’s not right…”

I trailed off. Caldwell was staring at me with concern clear on his face. The last thing I wanted was to sound like I actually was brainwashed.

“I’m sorry,” he said carefully. “But I couldn’t leave you behind, and I didn’t know what they’d done to you. So, what, you were like his…boyfriend?”

My face heated and I was thankful that his eyes were fixed ahead. “I think by the end I was more like his husband.”

Caldwell’s eyes widened, still staring forward. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

There was a tension between us that had never been there before. I was mad at him for making me leave, but he was the one who’d gone through all that torture at Ulgar’s hands because of me. I didn’t have the right to feel this way towards him, when all he did was make sure his friend wasn’t left behind.

“Caldwell, I’m really sorry for all of this. It was my fault this happened to you, and I wasn’t even the one that suffered for it.”

“Dude, it wasn’t your fault. I don’t care about all of that. You’re safe and we’re all going home. That’s what matters.”

He was still staring at the screen, working his jaw like he wanted to say something. And the tension still hovered between us.

Finally, he turned to me. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. What was it like fucking the purple dude?”

I let out a half-startled laugh. That was what bothered him? It was good to see that even after everything he’d been through, he hadn’t changed. I flushed red hot.

“It was good. Like, really fucking good.”

“Nice.” He held up his hand and I high-fived him.

“Come on, you gotta tell me. What are their dicks like?”

I couldn’t help but grin in response, and held my hands wide apart, palms facing each other. He high-fived me again.

“Something to tell the folks back home,” he said. “Clay’s sexy adventures in space.”

“Shut up, you asshole.”

We fell back into silence again, but this time it was easy, how it used to be. I wanted it to feel normal, but nothing felt normal now.

“So what are you going to do when you get home?” he asked.

“I dunno.”

“I’m gonna order the biggest fucking pizza you’ve ever seen, all the toppings.”

“Even pineapple?”

“Ew, no. I’m not that traumatized. All the proper toppings.”

“I’ve missed pineapple pizza.”

He wrinkled his nose. “Are you sure they didn’t fuck with your head?”

I laughed. “Actually, you know what, I’m gonna get Chinese food.” My stomach growled at the thought. Aldar food was nice, but there was no comparison to the sheer homeliness of the spicy noodles and chicken from the take out down the road. “As soon as I get back, I’m going to order everything I haven’t tried yet. Extra prawn toast too.”

Caldwell whistled. “Oh God, yeah. Ok, update on my order, the biggest fucking pizza you’ve ever seen, and a carton of sweet and sour chicken balls. I’m gonna dip the pizza in the sweet and sour sauce. Mmm, I can’t wait.”

I pulled a face. “Now that is gross —”

A rush of emotions hit me like a gut punch. I hunched over, clutching my stomach, groaning. I was so dazed by it that it was only when the feeling receded slightly that I realized it was coming through the bond. Even weakened by the distance, it was still strong enough to make my stomach twist and my palms slick. I heaved, sucking in desperate breaths as the world went hazy around me.

“Clay? Clay, are you ok?” Caldwell’s hand on my back

I screwed my eyes shut and tried to breathe, but the air felt too thin, my chest too tight. The feelings churned inside me, too much for my body to contain. I was going to rip open. They momentarily receded again, coming in great thundering waves that swept everything else away.

Sadness and anger and pain.

And fear. So much fear.

I drew in a sharp breath.

Arcay .

He was hurt and scared.

I had to turn the ship around. I had to go back. Without even thinking, I launched myself off the bunk and stumbled from the room. The world around me spun and I was aware of Caldwell shouting my name. Then I was on the bridge, startled voices and flashing lights. I lunged for the flight console, mashing it blindly with my hands. The ship juddered and I slipped and gripped the edge with shaking hands before someone pulled me away.

“Clay, what are you doing? Stop,” Caldwell’s voice shouted.

I lunged for the controls again but he got his arms around me and hauled me away.

My own voice was ringing in my ears. “I have to go back. I have to go—”

I furiously tried to get free, writhing and jabbing with my elbows.

Arcay needed help. I had to go and help him. His fear and pain tightened like a noose around my heart.

More hands gripped me and I lashed out with my fists. The pain was everywhere. Couldn’t they feel it? Couldn’t they feel his pain? There was a shout and then I heard the captain giving orders. I was dragged backward, still fighting, from the flight deck and down a hallway.

Through the fog, I heard, “Get him down there.”

My vision cleared again, just enough to see Caldwell gasping next to me, struggling to hold my arms down as I thrashed and roared.

“Clay, what the hell is wrong?” His eyes were wide with fear. But I couldn’t respond. My mind was lost in the sickening tidal wave.

The hands let go and I fell forward; metal slammed behind me. I spun and slammed my hands on the locked door.

I howled like a wild animal and collapsed against it until I was curled on the ground, hands gripped tight around my head as I drowned in Arcay’s pain.