Page 34

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

-Clay-

MY DREAMS THAT night were vivid as hell. There was a lot of running, and images I didn’t understand; a weird planet where all of the plants and animals were the wrong size and shape, with three moons in the sky. It was nowhere I’d ever been before.

I came to wrapped in the sheets and feeling like I’d barely closed my eyes at all, and lay staring at the wall. I didn’t have the energy to analyze my subconscious right now.

Arcay lay on the other side of the bed. His face was calm and his arms splayed out in the space between us like they were reaching for me. His feelings still came to me in his sleep, but they were different; hazy, indistinct, and muted. But still there. Soft sadness and excitement rising and falling in waves. What was he dreaming about? I had a feeling I knew.

Shit, what now? I was psychically joined to the alien who’d abducted me. How the hell was I supposed to feel about that? And I was stuck here forever. It’d seemed a lot more simple yesterday when I was drunk on loneliness. Now I had the emotional hangover from hell.

I felt the instant Arcay woke up. He didn’t move or make any noise, but I felt it in my head like an image slowly coming into focus. There was that calm moment between sleep and consciousness, when you’re awake but your brain isn’t engaged yet. Then his emotions rolled in like a heavy fog, one after the other, as he remembered what had happened. Confusion. Realization. Sadness.

I kept still as if I was still asleep, but if I could tell when he was awake, it must work both ways. I wasn’t fooling anyone. We both lay there, not speaking or moving, but still knowing and feeling each other.

Eventually, he said softly, “How are you feeling today?”

“Do you have to ask? Don’t you already know?” The words came out bitter and I instantly felt bad. “Sorry.”

He didn’t reply. He didn’t have to, I knew exactly how he felt.

I felt his eyes on my back as I rolled out of the bed and put on the clothes that had been laid out for me. If you could call them clothes. In classic Aldar fashion, they were more like decorations to display my body rather than cover it. Stiff pieces of cloth on my shoulders and neck, held together with thin golden chains that dangled down my chest and across my back. I wore the top but ditched the loin cloth-looking thing that was supposed to go around my waist in favor of my specially made ‘pants’. Which, again, bore almost no resemblance to actual pants.

I didn’t want to deal with Arcay yet, so I checked my reflection and sighed. These guys knew what they were doing. The outfit showed off my body really freakin’ well. It was almost annoying how good they made me look, like a high-end fashion designer had gotten hold of me and forced me into their ‘kinky range for modern men’. I studied my reflection. I looked so different like this. My hair was shaggier, the stubble on my jaw had come through thicker. I’d have to ask about shaving. These guys didn’t seem to get facial hair—or body hair of any kind for that matter—so I had no idea if they would have any razors. But the biggest changes had happened underneath my skin.

As good as the clothes made me look, I missed my old flight suit—at least it was familiar. It felt like me. Now, not even my own reflection was familiar anymore.

Arcay was watching me carefully from the bed, like I was going to bolt at any second.

“Our exhibition will be held later,” Arcay said, keeping his tone light.

“What’s that?”

“It is a gathering. When an alpha and omega are bound, the omega is officially declared as no longer available.”

So the wedding reception. I sighed.

“I’m gonna go for a walk, clear my head a bit,” I said.

“I will come with you.” He started to get up, but I shook my head.

“No, I won’t be long. I just need to, you know.” I waved my hand at my head.

He frowned, worried, but nodded anyway.

***

I WALKED AIMLESSLY , trying to find somewhere quiet. After our joint panic attack yesterday, Arcay told me that now that I was claimed no one would bother me, and it seemed to be true. Apart from some passing looks, which were either wary or reverent, no one approached me. It felt strange to be walking around alone when only yesterday it would have been too dangerous. And Arcay had just stayed in bed looking like a forlorn puppy when I left; he hadn’t tried to stop me or anything.

My pheromones were no longer potent to alphas. I didn’t pretend to have any idea how it all worked, but I belonged to Arcay now and they could all sense the change in me. Was it my smell? Did I have sex stank on me? I was glad that no one would try to assault me anymore, but it still made me feel weird and uncomfortable—like I was doing a walk of shame.

Also, most of the Aldar I saw bowed as I passed, which was pretty damn weird. Another thing that would take a lot of getting used to. Arcay had explained it last night on our swift, naked journey back to his quarters. Now that we were…together, I ranked right below him. This made me the fourth most important person on the ship, after Arcay, and Jursin and his mate. Did that mean I could boss everyone around now? I made a note to myself to try it out later.

I wound my way through the ship and ended up back at the observation deck. The scene of the crime. It was empty and I was alone. Well, as alone as I could be now. I examined Arcay’s feelings briefly. He was worried, probably about me.

Did I want Arcay to feel bad?

No. I couldn’t blame him for this. He was nice when he wasn’t being all gruff and serious. Underneath his hard exterior, he was sweet—cute even. Like a seven-foot puppy. And I had to admit, when he was being gruff it was damn hot. I was attracted to him, for sure. And more than that, I liked him. A lot. Which was something I never thought I’d say when he first barged on board our ship.

And he liked me too, more than anyone else ever had. He liked me enough to want to be tied to me for the rest of his life. And he was a fucking prince, so what was the issue?

I knew exactly what the issue was—it was the ‘for the rest of our lives’ bit.

I stared out at the vastness of space. The wormhole anomaly took up almost a third of the view, its swirling arms wavering with pretty, shimmering colors. It flickered like it would collapse any minute now. My home and everyone I knew was through that very unstable wormhole.

I wondered if my team had made it back to Earth yet, or if they’d stopped off at a station somewhere to recover. I hoped they were ok. If anything had happened to them because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I held on to that thought. I was here and that meant they were safe, and that would have to be enough.

I don’t know how long I sat there before a strange tingle ran up my spine. It was the same kind of feeling you got when someone was right behind you, not touching you, but so close you could feel them there. I looked over my shoulder, and, a few seconds later, Arcay came into view.

I took a moment to appreciate him. His long, lean body and wide shoulders were draped in a simple robe that split to the navel and along the thighs, showing off his muscled chest and the powerful lengths of his legs. Even though his face was set in its stern, unreadable mask, as soon as he saw me I felt his tingle of nerves, like a love-struck teenager seeing his crush. It made my own heart flutter.

It was impossible to be mad at him when I knew how cute he was underneath that harsh exterior. He strode towards me; a walking contradiction.

He sat down next to me, his golden eyes fixed ahead on the wormhole and reflecting the stars, radiating concern across the space between us.

We stayed silent for a while; I could tell he was trying to figure out what to say without letting on how torn up he was about everything.

I gave him time, and, eventually, he spoke. “I do not like it when you are upset,” he said. “I am sorry that I did not make it clear what would happen when we were bound. It makes me feel…” He struggled for words. “Bad that you might think I tricked you into bonding with me. It was not my intention.”

I grimaced.

“Arcay, I don’t think that. Yeah, you should have told me outright what would happen after we had sex, but I know you didn’t do it on purpose. You’re just an idiot. And bad at communicating.”

Look who’s talking, I thought.

He nodded. “It is true. And I am unintelligent.”

I grimaced again. “No, you’re not. I’m just being an asshole.”

We fell back into a heavy silence, our emotions warring in us. Finally, I sighed. it was time to come clean.

“Look Kay, I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I’m not exactly a ‘long-term’ kinda guy. Commitment isn’t really my thing.”

Understatement of the century.

“Why not?” He asked.

I was sure I could delve into my past, psychoanalyze all of my past relationships, my childhood, my heartbreaks, my relationship with my mother. But that would take far more time than I had, and a trained professional or two.

“I just…it’s scary.” I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and pushed on. “When I think about it I just get this feeling that I’m trapped, like there isn’t enough air.” God this was difficult. “And now with this bond, it’s like I can’t hide. I can’t escape. You can see me, all of me, and it’s terrifying. I’m not…a good person, Arcay. I can be selfish, and lazy, and spiteful, and—and I don’t want anyone to see it, especially not you.”

“That is not true—”

“It is. I say things to hurt people, to keep them away from me. To stop them getting too close. Because if they do, they might find out that I’m not the person they think I am. Underneath everything, I’m just this shitty, cowardly person. And if I really open up, they’ll hurt me.” I looked at him. “What if you get sick of me, Arcay? Everyone always does eventually.”

I was shocked at the tightness in my throat, almost strangling off the words. I blinked furiously, determined not to release any of the tears that threatened to spill over, and cleared my throat.

“I already see the person you are, Clay. I have always seen it. And there is nothing in you that could disappoint me. Our bond only confirms what I already knew; that you are the only person, human or Aldar, that I want to know with my entire soul.”

I shook my head because that couldn’t be right, there was nothing special about me, nothing worth keeping forever. He was lying, or he just didn’t know what he was talking about. But through the bond, I could feel his conviction—he meant what he said.

He growled low in his chest, grabbed my shoulders, and spun me towards him. He kissed me fiercely, with bruising force in his own feral, unique way. Then he pulled back, looked into my eyes, and kissed me again, softly this time.

“You have changed me for the better. I see you, Clay, all of you. And I want you. Forever.”

And with that, he broke me. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down my cheeks. I looked away, trying in vain to blink them back. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. How was I supposed to recover from a death blow like that? That was an uppercut to my soul.

“Clay, I am sorry. I pushed you too far.”

“No, it’s not that.” I sniffed loudly and scrubbed at my face. How could I explain what I was feeling? But I didn’t have to, did I? He’d already know. “I’m sorry Kay. It’s just a lot for me to get used to.”

“I understand, it is for me too. I knew about the bond, and I was told what it was like to be bound to an Aldar omega, but you are entirely different. You feel so big inside me.”

I made a noise that was half laugh, half sob, and he looked at me, confused.

“Jesus, Arcay, we need to work on your Panlin,” I said.

“It is not correct? I thought I had grasped it quite well.”

“Yeah, you have. But sometimes the same words can mean very different things,” I said.

“Humans are very confusing.”

That was true, I barely understood myself most of the time. I almost felt bad for him being stuck with me. He took me in for a moment, his golden eyes studying my face, and I felt his fondness grow. He carefully put his hand around my jaw and brushed my lips with the pad of his thumb, then lowered his head and did the same with his lips, taking a deep breath through his nose. My mind went hazy with his touch and his smell, and for a second none of my worries mattered.

Then he made an urgent noise and pulled away.

“We must go, they are waiting for us at the exhibition.”

Oh, right. I’d forgotten all about it in my personal angst fest.

“Shit, how late are we?” I said, wiping my arm across my face. He took my chin and rubbed the dampness off my cheeks with his thumb.

“It does not matter,” he said. “As long as you are ok.”