Page 33

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

-Clay-

I RAN BLINDLY , my limbs pumping, only aware of the pounding of my bare feet matching the thundering of my heart.

A voice in the back of my head reminded me that I was naked, and running wildly around the ship wasn’t going to help anything, but I didn’t care. I just had to get away . Away from the intrusion in my head. Away from the suffocating closeness of it. Maybe if I ran far enough, it would stop.

But no matter how fast I ran, or how many random corners I spun around, I couldn’t get away from the thing that burrowed not only into my head, but into my chest, my stomach, my whole body. It was everywhere.

What was this? What was going on?

Those feelings I had felt while I was wrapped in Arcay’s arms weren’t my own, I was sure of it. And the swirling mess of emotions that pulsed through me right now—panic, fear, worry, guilt—weren’t mine either. Oh, I had those feelings as well, a whole lot of them. But they were separate, they were mine. These new ones…I didn’t know how I knew, but I just knew .

They were his .

But how could that be happening? Arcay was inside me somehow. And from the way he reacted back there when I started to panic, I was inside him too. The moment we had both climaxed, something had happened. Now he was inside my head and there was nowhere I could hide. I was entirely exposed, my soul laid bare; every inch of me, every shadow and flaw, vulnerable and visible. And it terrified me.

I ran until it felt like my lungs were going to explode, and I leaned against the cold stone wall that was next to me. Where was I? I was dimly aware of greenery around me and the sound of water. Bending over at the waist, I gulped air into my screaming lungs and tried to calm down. But my mind wouldn’t stop racing. How far did the bond go? Could he read my thoughts too? Could he see what I saw?

Pushing away from the wall, I stumbled forward until another hemmed me in, and sank to the ground. It had been a really long fucking day; I’d just had my brains fucked out and I was barely fighting off a panic attack. I needed to sit down.

I curled over, hugging my knees to my chest, only just registering how cold I was. I was covered in goose pimples. Oh yes, because I was naked, and still wet with Arcay’s and my cum. I didn’t know what to think, or what to do, so I closed my eyes, held my head in my hands, and tried to block it all out.

The emotions that weren’t mine coiled in my chest, impossible to ignore. Arcay’s confused concern turned into panic. And as his panic grew, it formed a spike in my chest, painful and sharp.

I rocked backward and forward. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t cope with his emotions as well as my own. It was too much. I was trapped.

The feelings never let up, and, after a while, I sensed him drawing near. I didn’t know how, but I could just feel him like a tingle on my skin and a vague knowledge that he was close to me. I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head, trying to get rid of everything.

The tingling grew until it felt like I was leaning against a radiator that was slightly too hot to be comfortable. A second later, his relief flooded through me. Peeling my head out of my hands, I looked up. He was standing in front of me, still entirely naked, panting. His white mane of hair was wild around his wide shoulders, and his amber eyes glinted in the dark. He breathed out a sigh of relief.

He was confused, and he approached me slowly, like I might try to run away again. To be fair, I was feeling so panicked that I might. He reached out and touched my shoulder, and I flinched away, afraid that something else might happen. It didn’t, but he pulled his hand away, feeling hurt. It was like a big wedge under my ribs. I didn’t want it, I didn’t want his hurt and his distress in my head.

His voice was raw. “What’s wrong? Please tell me. What did I do? Whatever it is, I will make it right, I swear. Did I hurt you? Is it the bond? I’m so sorry, I never thought it would affect you like this. Are you in pain?”

His distress was mixing with my terror and making it so much fucking worse. All of it together was too much to contain in one body, and I felt like I was going to explode. I put my hands over my ears, trying to block it out.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Just stop thinking about it.” I shouted.

“We had intercourse and then you ran away and hid from me. What am I supposed to think?”

“Please just…don’t think anything.”

“What?”

Everything was building up. And I didn’t know how to make it stop.

He grasped my shoulders, jerking me forward. “Calm down.” he shouted.

“You’re not helping.”

He dropped me and held his own head, hissing through clenched teeth. “I am sorry, your emotions are… I am not used to dealing with feelings this strong.”

Shit, we were losing control of whatever was happening here. I could feel his fear and panic, which only made mine worse, which then made his worse. We were stuck in some sort of panic feedback loop. My head spun. My chest tightened until it was hard to breathe.

“Arcay, stop,” I gasped.

“I do not know how to control it.”

His breath was coming faster and faster, his chest moving in shallow hitches, and he closed in on himself as the panic took over. Bent over, hands gripping his knees so tightly his knuckles turned white, he shook.

“What is… happening…” he gasped. “I…cannot…breath—”

Shit. He was having a panic attack. I struggled up onto my feet.

“Slow down, take deeper breaths,” I stammered.

“I…cannot. I…cannot.”

“Look at me.”

He shook his head.

“Ah…I…ah….”

I took his face in my shaking hands and forced him to look at me. His eyes were frantic, his pupils pinpoints of pure terror.

“It’s ok, just breathe.” He screwed his eyes shut and I jerked his chin to make him open them again. “Look at me, take deep breaths. Do it with me, like this.”

I tried to lead him and fill my lungs slowly, but it was impossible with his panic making me pant too. Sweat prickled across my body. The panic was starting to take hold as my throat and chest tightened. I was about to go into a full-blown panic attack too.

Arcay was breathing so fast now his chest was jerking erratically, hardly pulling in any air at all. His entire body was shaking, and his eyes rolled upwards. I tightened my grip on his face to keep him still.

I had to do something to knock him out of it, or we were both going to fall into it, and fuck knew if we’d ever come back out. It felt like he was dying .

Instinct took over. My hands gripped tightly to his jaw, I brought his head to mine and pressed our lips together. His were stiff and unyielding, and I covered his mouth with mine, pressing in as hard as I could. The pressure was enough to force us both to breathe through our noses. Gusts of warm air puffed across my face.

I held the contact, even though my body was shaking itself apart. His lips softened slightly, pursing and moving against mine automatically as he started to kiss me back. I held on fast to his face, like it was the only thing keeping me grounded. I knew if I let go I would lose control again.

I held us there in that position, our trembling lips pressed together. After a few more frantic breaths, his panting gradually began to slow. Calm slowly seeped from his mind into mine, dampening the luminous panic with a cool blue. His breathing slowed in tandem with mine, becoming deeper and longer, and he made a sound in this throat that vibrated through my hands and lips.

His lips softened and parted as he kissed me back properly, and I pressed my tongue against his. Finally, when our breathing returned to normal, I released my grip on his face and we broke apart.

He slumped against the wall and slid down until he was sitting with his head lolling back. I braced myself against it next to him.

He looked down, pressing his hand against his chest, and then up at me with wide, golden eyes. He looked so vulnerable, so unlike himself.

“How did you do that?”

“I saw it on a TV show once,” I said. “Didn’t think it’d actually work.”

He gazed at me in awe. “I do not know what just happened.”

“You just had your first panic attack, buddy.”

“I did not enjoy it.” He paused. “Well the kiss I liked, but the rest was very distressing.”

“Yeah, they’re not fun.” I swept the damp hair out of my eyes. “Are you ok?”

There wasn’t any panic coming from him now, but I could still feel the worry.

He nodded. “Your emotions are overwhelming for me.”

“What’s going on? I can feel you inside my head.”

Arcay allowed himself a small smile. “We are soul bound, the connection between mates that brings us together in true unity—” he stopped and his face dropped. “But Clay. Are you hurt? Has the bond damaged you?”

I shook my head. “I’m fine. I think. At least, I’m not hurt.”

Relief, pink and heavy. “Then why did you run?”

I rubbed my hands over my face. This wasn’t getting any clearer. “Because I suddenly felt a huge, purple alien inside my head. That’s pretty fucking alarming.”

He frowned. “So you have not been harmed? I thought the bond had damaged you in some way, or I had been too…enthusiastic during our intercourse. I am relieved that you were not displeased with any of my actions, because I thoroughly enjoyed our bonding.”

“The sex I have no problem with. The sex was great. Better than great. It’s the fucking mind-meld that came after that threw me.” I gestured at our heads. “Does this happen a lot with the bond? Overwhelming each other?”

He rolled his head to the side to look at me.

“No. I have never heard of this happening before. Humans might experience emotions more strongly than we do. It is eye-opening. Is this how you feel all the time?”

“Not all the time. These are pretty extenuating circumstances.”

Arcay nodded. “Your emotions will take me some time to get used to.”

My stomach tightened. Some time ? A terrible feeling crept up my spine. How long would we be like this? Permanent, he’d said.

“How long does it last?” I asked carefully.

He frowned like I’d asked what the sky tasted of. “I do not understand.”

“This soul bond that we’ve got. How long does it last?”

“It lasts for the rest of our lives,” he said, just as cautiously.

“You couldn’t have warned me about that? ‘Oh by the way, after we bang we’ll be able to read each other’s minds forever’?”

Guilt blossomed from him, which made me feel bad too.

“I am sorry, I thought you understood,” he said.

“How could I understand if you never told me? I would have distinctly remembered that.”

“I told you we would form a life-soul bond,” he said defensively.

“And I was supposed to know what that is? I didn’t think you meant literally, Arcay. I assumed it was like some kind of marriage.”

“What is marriage?

“It’s like a contract. We do it on Earth when two people want to stay together officially. We swap rings, and say vows, and promise to stay together, in front of a bunch of people.”

“What prevents you from leaving the marriage?”

“Well…nothing, really. You can leave if you want. You get a divorce.”

“It is not permanent? There is no soul bond?”

“No!”

“Then what is the point?”

“The point is that you get to change your mind, you’re not trapped for life.”

His eyes were on my face, but they were unfocused. He was concentrating on what he felt inside.

“You do not want to be trapped with me,” he said quietly, like he was reading it off my face. “That is why you ran. You still do not want me.”

Arcay sat very still, his expression schooled back into its usual neutral mask, but I felt everything going on beneath it. Hurt, guilt, fear, longing. And bigger than anything else, sadness. So much sadness it made my chest ache.

As if dealing with my own emotions wasn’t bad enough.

Man, this bond shit sucked.

I shook my head. “I don’t know. No. Maybe.”

What did he feel coming from me? It was almost funny how clear his emotions were when mine were still so hard to figure out.

“I don’t want to upset you, Arcay, but this is a lot to get my head around.”

“I understand,” he said stiffly.

Finally, I became very aware of the fact that we were both completely naked and still sticky from the sex.

“Let’s just go home,” I said, suddenly overwhelmed with tiredness. All I wanted to do was sleep and not have to feel all of these feelings. A thought struck me, would the bond connect us in our dreams too?