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CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

-Clay-

ARCAY STRODE BEHIND me, calm and collected on the outside, but apprehension rolled off him in waves. He knew what was coming, and as soon as we were alone, I rounded on him.

“Why are they still here?” I demanded.

Arcay had made a deal with me; me for my crew. And he’d told me they’d been set free days ago.

Arcay raised his hands and spoke in a soothing voice, “Clay—”

“You lied to me,” I said.

He shook his head, but he didn’t say anything else. His face was impassive—if it wasn’t for the guilt seeping through our bond I wouldn’t know he was feeling anything at all.

“They’ve been here this whole time, ” I said, my voice flat. It wasn’t a question.

“It would appear so,” Arcay said.

“But you told me you’d let them go.”

Despite what was coming through the bond, he was still doing a great job of appearing calm on the outside, answering my questions in a reasonable and controlled voice. And even though I knew it was a mask, it still infuriated me. I was reeling, why the fuck was he acting like this wasn’t a big deal?

“Clay, I understand that you must be feeling very confused—”

“No, I’m past confused. Now I’m pissed off. How could you lie to me? You promised me. You said you’d let them go if I stayed. I thought they had been released.”

“I did not know they were here, Clay, I swear to you.” He moved towards me, but I stepped away from him.

“Then why do you feel so guilty? You said you’d let them go if I stayed. And I did. And you told me they’d been released. I did what you wanted, and you lied to me. Twice . And I believed you, like a fucking idiot.”

“I believed they had been released. I did not know they were still on board. I would not try to hide it from you if I had.”

“Did you believe they were let go? Or did you just not care? Did you even bother to find out? You’re the Second aren’t you? How the fuck does the second in command not know about the crew of humans being held captive in the fucking science lab? You seriously expect me to believe you had no idea about this.”

“After we made our deal, I spoke with Jursin and he agreed to let them go.”

“So you’re blaming Jursin?”

“Of course not, but…I was assured that someone would take care of it.”

“Who?”

“I do not know.”

“So what exactly made you so sure they were gone?”

“I convinced Jursin to release your crew, he agreed.”

“That’s it?”

“His word is law. He instructed someone to do it. He cannot be disobeyed.”

“Well, that’s bullshit because he obviously was. So, that’s it? You just left it at that? So when you told me I couldn’t talk to my crew because they’d already gone, that was a lie.”

His jaw tightened. “I needed you to eat, you were being unreasonable.”

“Wow. Ok. So when you made that deal with me, that was a lie too.”

“No. No, I meant it.”

“You just didn’t plan on actually following through.”

“Clay, I swear to you that I did not have any part in this.”

I shook my head in disbelief and Arcay stepped forward again, snagging my hand before I could move away. He held it against his chest, the skin warm and firm. “You know I am not lying, you can feel it.”

His warmth seeped into my fingers, and I felt his heart beating against my palm. It was strange how similar Aldar were to humans, and yet so different. But he was right, I could feel it in my own chest; he hadn’t known. But that wasn’t good enough. Maybe he hadn’t known, but my crew, my friends, had suffered because he hadn’t bothered to make sure he’d followed through on his promise.

I snatched my hand back. “That’s not good enough. You should have known. You should have checked, you should have made sure they were freed. But you didn’t, you just told me what you wanted me to hear. You promised they would go free. That’s as good as lying as far as I’m concerned. You told me that they’d left, and I believed you.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. This was why I didn’t get involved with anyone, because it left you so much more open to being hurt. Why give someone the chance? But I’d been sucked in by him. I’d let my guard down and now I was paying the price. Except it was already too late, because he was already inside my head, and I couldn’t just cut and run this time.

“You knew I was worried about them, that I cared about them, but you didn’t even bother to make sure they were ok. You told me,” I had to stop to take a sharp intake of breath. “You told me that you’d checked. You told me that they’d left. But you didn’t check, did you? You just lied to me so I would stay and do as I was told.”

“I was distracted. You consumed my mind.”

“Don’t.” I paced, running my hands through my hair. They were shaking. “Don’t start that, Arcay. You need to fix this.”

“I will talk to Jursin.”

I stopped. “Talk to Jursin? Are you fucking serious?”

“What do you want me to do, Clay?”

“I want you to do something . Anything. Not just run along and talk to Jursin.”

They’d been here the entire time, going through god knew what, all because of me. Because Arcay wanted me. My stomach churned. They’d been here being experimented on while…while I was running around having fun with Arcay. While I was being pampered and flying stupid fucking jets, and having mind blowing sex like I was on some kind of fucking adventure holiday. I felt sick. I ran my shaking hands through my hair again.

Arcay spoke in a soothing voice. “Clay, I do not want you to think that any of this is your fault.”

I dropped my hands. “My fault? My fault ? No, you know what, you’re right. It’s not my fault.” I turned on him. “It’s yours . They’re here because of you . Because you took me. It’s all your fault this happened. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t taken me.”

A muscle in his jaw twitched. I felt the sting, and it alleviated some of the strain building up behind my eyes and inside of my temples. My deep-rooted survival instincts to smash and run kicked in. Destroy anything that’s getting too serious before it has a chance to destroy me. The words spewed out of my mouth like vomit.

“This whole thing is so fucked. I’m a prisoner, and you’ve somehow tricked me into thinking I want to be here.” I paced away, my hands on my face. “Oh my god, oh my god. What have I been doing? I was kidnapped by a desperate, emotionally repressed virgin from a fucking backward species, and you’ve managed to brainwash me or something.”

His voice was strained, like he was trying to hold in a tidal wave and the dam was about to burst. “I am sorry for what I did, Clay. If I could go back, I would do it differently. But now you are here with me and I would not change that. The bond we have is everything to me, and I know you feel the same, if you would just allow yourself to accept it.”

Another flash of his pain shot through me. I’d hit something sensitive. I followed it like a shark sensing blood in the water.

I laughed in disbelief, a definite manic edge to it, and shook my head. “You’re deluded. We have no bond, except this parasitic mind-meld shit you forced on me. I never wanted to be here. You didn’t give me a choice.”

He froze, holding himself carefully, as if he might fall apart if he moved. “What do you mean? I made sure to receive your consent before we—you said—”

“What do you expect after being fucking edged for days? You think I meant it? I only said all of those things in the heat of the moment, because I wanted to come.”

“But why did you consent to it if you did not truly…”

“What? Love you? Any kind of feelings in this situation can only be Stockholm syndrome. How the fuck could I love you, Arcay?”

With a flinch, his wall finally crumbled. He staggered like I’d physically hit him, one hand against his head, the other over his heart. Whatever strength he’d been using to hold his emotions in check broke and they flooded me. I took a step backward as the overwhelming emotions swamped me. The surge was enough to smother the fire of rage that burned inside me.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “So all those things you said, about needing me, wanting me, being mine. You did not mean them.”

I tried to summon the burning rage from seconds before, to use it to sweep Arcay’s feelings away. I was still so angry and sick of having someone else’s feelings forced on me, and I didn’t want to feel anything else, especially not guilt about hurting him. This was all his fault. And I was so fucking mad. But it was smothered and cold. Now I just felt tired and sick, my head pounding.

I let out a deep sigh, wanting this to be over now. “Humans say shit when they’re getting fucked.”

“You do not mean that. You are just saying things because you are angry. You do not really mean it.” His voice was low and steady, but he couldn’t quite conceal the pleading edge. “We will talk about this later. When you have calmed down.”

I gave a half-hearted shrug as if I didn’t care either way, and left. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I had to get out of there. He didn’t move, just stood there and watched me leave.

I only just made it out of sight before his sadness hollowed me out.