Page 9

FIVE

MILLIE

Tanner: How are you feeling?

Millie: I’m okay. How are you feeling?

Tanner: Okay too. Did you tell your mom yet?

Millie: Today, have to do something first

“Is that Tanner?”

I shut off my phone and turned to Radley. “Yeah.”

“Has he freaked out yet?”

I shook my head. “No. He’s weirdly calm and grown up.”

“Huh.”

“I know. Of everyone in that apartment, Tanner was not the one I’d expect to keep his shit together.”

“Hey, I’m as surprised as you are.”

Jake Riley, Radley’s head of security, turned around from the front seat of the car. “Millie, we’ll wait here for you. Take as long as you need.”

“Thank you. ”

Radley’s hand slipped into mine and she squeezed gently. “It’ll be fine.”

“I know, I just…he’d be so disappointed in me.” I rubbed against the pressure in my temples.

“He wouldn’t.”

The way Radley’s voice went up at the end said everything. My eyes met hers, my brows slowly raising.

We both knew how my dad would have reacted because her dad was the same.

They’d been best friends, serving together in the CIA before he’d died. In the time since, Radley’s dad had become Secretary of State. And he was still super protective of his little girl.

“My mom’s going to kill me. My brothers are going to kill Tanner. At least my dad is already dead, because you’d better believe he would kill Tanner. And know how to bury his body.”

Radley chuckled quietly, and I turned back to the window.

As far as I could see were rows and rows of white headstones against a backdrop of lush green grass, all employees of the United States government in some capacity.

It was busier than I’d seen it in a while, the pathways between the stones were occasionally dotted with families, or single people sitting in front of a stone, some had flowers, others had flags.

The summer tourists were heading to see JFK’s grave, or John Glenn and Thurgood Marshall. In the distance a funeral was taking place, transporting me back to the day we’d buried my dad. Four years had passed both immeasurably slowly and all at once.

One of the benefits of having Radley trailed by Secret Service all day meant we could get into places not normally accessed by the public, and today we’d used that to my advantage.

Usually when I came to visit my dad, I’d enter through the main gates, show my ID, and walk a mile to the spot where he was buried.

Today, we’d driven in, and Jake had gotten as close as he was able.

I held onto the door handle. “Thanks for coming with me, Rad.”

“Hey, what are best friends for?”

I smiled softly and took a deep breath, stepping out in the hot summer air. D.C. wasn’t quite as stifling as it was in New York, but it was close.

It was approximately one hundred and fifty yards to the white headstone engraved with my dad’s name—Brady Booker Robinson—and above his name, the text telling everyone what a loving father, brother, son, and husband he was.

Someone had been recently—there was tiny posy of flowers sitting in a fresh jar of water—but it wouldn’t have been my mom or my brothers. We didn’t bring flowers, we brought jelly beans. My dad’s favorite.

He was never without them.

One of my clearest memories was of him picking out the orange jelly beans from the glass jar on the kitchen shelf, tossing them in the air, and catching them on his tongue.

Pulling out the box from my pocket, I tipped a dozen or so into my hand and removed the three orange ones to gently place them on the ground in front of his stone. Given how much we’d all done this over the years, I was surprised the grass hadn’t turned neon.

“Hi, Daddy, how’s it going? Sorry I haven’t been for a couple of months,” I started, sitting back with my legs crossed.

I used to find it so weird talking to a stone, but the more I visited, the easier it became.

“It’s summer break, so I’m home more. Radley and I are splitting the weeks between here and New York, Brinkley is still stealing socks, though this time they’re Doug’s.

I guess you know about Doug moving in? He’s okay.

He loves mom. And it’s better than seeing her cry all the time. ”

Unscrewing the cap off the water I brought with me, I sipped. I couldn’t tell if the wave of nausea passing through me was from the pregnancy or from the nerves I was trying hard not to let consume me. I was talking to a stone, for crying out loud.

“First year went well. I graduated magna cum laude and scored the highest in my Victorian English class. Matty said I was a total nerd, but seeing as he can only manage to read the Notre Dame playbook, Mom shut him down.” I tugged up some of the stray long blades of grass around the headstone, which the mower had missed.

My heart thudded hard, my throat thickened. I placed another two orange jelly beans on the grass and chomped on the rest.

“I’m in a bit of trouble, a lot maybe. I haven’t told Mom yet.

I haven’t told anyone except Radley. I need to tell Mom today.

” I scraped through my hair and tied it up in a messy bun.

“Oh shit…I’m just going to say it. I’m pregnant.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, I don’t know what to do.

It was an accident. Tanner, the dad, he’s a friend…

he’s a friend of Radley’s boyfriend. He’s actually been really great and supportive about it…

um, he had the idea for us to make a pros and cons list, which I have.

” I reached into my pock et and unfolded the piece of paper where I’d drawn out two columns.

“Cons, obviously school, and my age, and I have no money, and it’ll be really hard.

Pros…” There was only one note in my pros list and my eyes filled so quickly that a tear dropped onto the paper before I could stop it.

“Because…because I lost you already. Oh, Daddy, I’m so sorry. I know you’d be so mad at me.”

My fists were jammed into my eye sockets, trying to stop the tears bursting out, but it didn’t work.

When I opened them again to reach for a tissue, I found a beautiful blue butterfly had fluttered onto the headstone and stilled with his wings open.

It was a shade of blue so similar to Tanner’s eyes that I almost forgot where I was for a second.

“Mom’s really gonna kill me, huh?”

The only answer I got was the butterfly taking off.

“So I guess I should get this over with.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips on the marble. “I love you, Daddy. I miss you so much. Enjoy the jelly beans. See you soon.”

I walked back to the car, relishing the coolness of the AC when I hopped in. “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

“Of course not.” Radley smiled, twisting her body to mine. “How did that go?”

“Oh you know…as good as anything can be when you talk to a headstone.” I chuckled as Jake set the car into drive and we made our way out of the cemetery. “Easier than the next bit, that’s for sure.”

“Are Matty and Josh gonna be home?” she asked, mentioning my brothers.

Radley and I both had the (mis)fortune of being the youngest girl in the family with two older brothers.

Both sets of whom had the impression we needed protecting, like it was a rite of passage as an older sibling because it came with the assumption we couldn’t take care of ourselves.

But since my dad died, Matty and Josh had tried to insert themselves into every facet of my life, including dating.

Tried being the operative word.

“I hope not,” I replied. “Josh started his new job with Congressman Field’s office, and he’s never there.

I don’t know about Matty. He was just on vacation with some of his friends, and every time I’m home, he seems to be asleep.

Maybe my mom can tell them once we’ve gone back to New York, because I do not want to be around for that.

At least Tanner’s too busy to get his ass kicked right now. ”

“I think Tanner would take an ass-kicking for you.”

I glanced over to her. If I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy I would forever be tied to Tanner Simpson; raising a child with him, birthday parties, school, graduation.

Two months ago I’d found extended periods of time in his company akin to running nails down a chalkboard, and yet since that day he’d found me standing in the rain, my opinion seemed to be rapidly changing.

For one, I’d never met a guy so comfortable around a woman crying.

He’d checked on me every day this week, going back to his regular texting but more so. Making sure I was okay, seeing if I needed anything, asking how the sickness was.

I was embarrassed to admit it was more than I’d have ever given him credit for.

The car made its way across the Arlington Memorial Bridge and slowly through D.C.

until it reached the leafy neighborhood I’d grown up in.

Red brick houses with the Stars and Stripes flags gently flapping above the black front doors, and driveways leading around to big backyards where hoops and netted trampolines sat on otherwise neatly mown grass, or swimming pools where, like me, children learned to swim.

Jake eased the car to a stop and Radley pulled me into a hug,

“Call me if you need anything. Or we can wait here if you want?”

I smiled gratefully at her. “No, I’ll be okay. You go.”

“It’s weekly movie night tonight if you want to come over?”

“Thanks.”

I turned to the house, took another deep breath, and prepared myself for what was likely going to be one of the hardest conversations of my life.

Taking out my key, I let myself in. The place was silent, maybe she wasn’t here.

I knew Doug would be at work, so maybe no one was here.

I walked through the entrance and peered into the kitchen, it was too tidy for Matty to be up.

Even Brinkley, our family golden retriever, hadn’t run out to greet me.

“Hey, Mom? Mom, where are you? Mom?”

Immediately, Brinkley appeared at the top of the stairs, a sock hanging from his mouth, followed closely by my mom, who removed it.