Page 46

“Anything?” I whispered to her, splaying my hands over her belly in case the baby kicked.

It hadn’t happened yet, but according to the books it could be any day now, and I had no intention of missing it.

“Nope.”

“Oh well, tomorrow.” I held up my crossed fingers in front of her.

As she relaxed into me, my lips found her neck. It was hard to tell whether it was the base of the music or the beat of her heart that had her skin vibrating.

“Mmm, that’s nice.” She hummed. “Are you having a fun evening?”

“I am now you’re here,” I replied, before kissing her like I’d been wanting to kiss her all night. “How’re you doing? You feeling okay?”

“I’m a little tired,” and as if on cue, she let out a wide yawn. “It’s been a while since I was up this late, even with a nap.”

“Then let’s get the hell out of here and go to bed.”

“Really? I can leave with Radley, you can stay?—”

“No way, I’m not staying without you. I wanna get into bed and snuggle down with you, and tomorrow we don’t need to wake up for hours. ”

“Okay, then maybe I can find a little extra energy when we get home.”

My dick stirred, desperate to make up for all the time we were away in San Francisco. “Let’s get your coat.”

“Hmm,” she sighed against my chest, “maybe five more minutes, it’s so comfy here.”

“Deal. But only five.”

My eyes were on the verge of closing when Millie spoke again.

“Parker, are you okay?” she asked, stifling another yawn. “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone turned to Parker to find he was—indeed—staring at Millie.

I was beginning to wonder whether he was staring or had actually fallen asleep with his eyes open when he spoke.

“Well…because…” he began, then stopped and scratched his head.

“Because…two things, really. One, you guys look good together, almost as good as Scout and me. And B, we”—he swept his hand around our table—“were just talking about love, and how we can’t wait for you to tell Tanner you love him.

Also how you’re gonna do it. I said skywriting, but Lux thinks it might be on a cookie… ”

If only he’d fallen asleep with his eyes open.

He looked so pleased with himself he clearly hadn’t realized Millie didn’t feel the same way. I could tell though, her body bristled in my arms and Radley’s eyes had grown so big, I could see her entire irises and more.

“What?”

“Can we be there? I’ll film it, like they do for proposals…” Parker’s whole face lit up with excitement. A direct co rrelation to how fast my stomach was dropping. “You haven’t told him yet, right? That’s what Tanner said.”

Before I could answer, Millie spun around in my lap. “Tanner, what the hell?”

I hadn’t had quite as much to drink as Parker, but I’d had enough. It didn’t lessen the very sober, very angry expression on Millie’s face however.

No, not angry. Betrayed.

“Babe, please…don’t listen to him. Mills, he’s drunk.”

“I am , Millie, I’m very drunk.” Parker wagged his finger. “But we all love Tanner, and we want you to love him too.”

“Parker, shut up ,” hissed Lux, attempting to kick Parker’s shin but missed, instead sat up and scanned the crowds below. “Where the fuck is Scout?”

“Yes, Parker. Go and find Scout, let’s all go home,” I added through gritted teeth, hoping to portray just as much urgency in my voice as Lux had in his.

“Great idea,” he replied, pushing out of the couch only to fall back again.

“I think we all need to go home,” said Radley sensibly, standing up and reaching for Millie’s hand. “Let’s go get our coats and find Scout.”

I tried not to take it as a warning that Millie didn’t even look at me as she walked off. Or stormed off, it was hard to tell when you were five months pregnant.

My head immediately snapped around. “Parker, what the fuck? What did you just do?”

His brows dropped in genuine confusion. “What?”

“Code of silence. What happened to the code of silence ?”

He didn’t reply, but Lux picked up his phone as it buzzed with a message. “The girls are by the entrance, Scout’s with them. Let’s go.”

The look he gave me as we walked down the stairs said exactly the same thing my gut was shouting.

That the rest of the night was going to be rocky.

N ever underestimate a woman’s ability to be mad with you. If it were an Olympic sport, they would win gold every single time.

For the entire forty-five-minute drive back to our apartment, Millie hadn’t said a word.

She’d done nothing except stare out of the window. Radley on the other hand had not stopped talking because otherwise we’d have only had Parker’s snoring to fill the very uncomfortable silence.

It was when we arrived home, the elevator doors opening on both sides, and Millie silently heading into hers and Radley’s place, that I realized that we might very well be in the middle of our first fight. Assuming you didn’t count all the other fights we used to have pre-baby.

I followed her in, stopping in the middle of the living room while she stomped into the kitchen.

“Mills, babe, c’mon. Parker’s so drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

She didn’t reply. Instead, she dropped her shoes on the floor, opened the fridge, and pulled out the carton of orange juice, which was then slammed onto the counter.

Yes. We were having a fight .

“Mills, please don’t be mad at me.”

Pouring out the OJ, she took a long sip, and I’m not gonna lie, the way she stared at me over the top of the glass brought out a little cold sweat.

It was like the way she used to stare at me, when she could incinerate me at any moment with some kind of terrifying laser beams, or fire shooting out of her nostrils.

“We agreed to take this slow, Tan.”

“Yeah, slow. We are taking it slow. Sloow .”

“Then why are you telling Parker that I haven’t told you I love you yet?”

“I didn’t say that,” I blurted, only for Millie’s eyes to narrow even further into tiny slits. “Okay, maybe I did, but it was in a wider context of a conversation about love. It wasn’t like I just came out and said you didn’t love me.”

She was silent again, pouring out more orange juice, and somewhere between the party and here, I’d picked up Radley’s inability to withstand uncomfortable silences.

“But he has a point, don’t you think?” I said, immediately regretting it.

“A point about what?”

“Well…” I swallowed hard. “You won’t tell me how you feel at all .”

The glass was put down much more carefully than the juice. “You know how I feel.”

“I don’t actually.”

“Well…because…” Her eyes darted left, right, back down to her orange juice, anywhere but at me, before she scoffed. “I’ve told you…you know…”

Wow. That was truly, comically horrible.

This wasn’t a conversation I particularly wanted to be having right now; I was kinda drunk, I was very tired, and I should probably shut it down until we were both in a better frame of mind.

But I had an annoying habit of not letting anything go.

“Is it really that difficult to tell me how you feel?”

“Look. I don’t know yet, Tan. Stop rushing me.”

Stepping over to the kitchen island, I pulled out a stool and sat down. “I’m not rushing you, I’m asking you a question.”

“And I’m telling you I don’t know.”

When Millie and I first met, I used to be subjected to her snarl whenever I saw her, a snarl with a lot of fire in her eyes. Somewhere along the way the snarl disappeared but the fire was still there, burning bright, even right now.

Yet for some reason she was trying to hide it from me. It was the same way she hesitated every time I told her how I felt. It was there, but she wouldn’t admit it.

“I think you do, and I also think you’re scared.”

“Of course, I’m fucking scared,” she snapped, her hands flying into the air. “I’m twenty-one and having a baby with someone I barely know. Yes, I’m fucking scared.”

Her chest heaved, like the weight of telling the truth finally allowed her to breathe easier. But then she saw my face.

“ Barely know ?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

Pushing out of the stool, I removed a glass from the cabinet and picked up the OJ carton to pour my own. “I think you did.”

Her mouth had pursed so tight it had almost disappeared as she tried to figure a way out of this argument. Except she couldn’t.

“Obviously I like you. A lot. Why can’t you just be happy with that and let me get there in my own time?”

“You like me? Gee, thanks .”

It had been a while since I’d seen Millie’s nostrils flare quite so dramatically.

“We’re having a baby, we’ve only just started dating. Why does everything have to be so rushed? We’re all out of order, and if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, none of this would be happening. We’d still be tolerating each other.”

“No, that’s not true.” I shook my head. “If you hadn’t gotten pregnant, then I’d be pursuing you, like I always had.

You getting pregnant just confirmed to me that we’re meant to be together.

You being pregnant has nothing to do with why I love you.

It just got me there quicker, and who cares about the order? Who wants to be conventional?”

Her hands shot up to her ears. “Stop saying you love me.”

“No.”

“Tanner, it’s too much.”

“Too much for whom?”

“For me . I can’t take the pressure.”

“What pressure? I told you I was happy taking it at your pace, and I meant it. And since we agreed to take it slow, I haven’t once asked if you’ve fallen in love with me. But I’m not going to apologize for loving you .”

I watched as tears brimmed in her eyes, and I was certain this was more than the usual baby hormones. When she cried from hormones she just looked kind of pissed, like it was an inconvenience, but now there was an anguish present I hadn’t seen before.

“Mills, what’s this really about?”

Rounding the counter, gently grabbing her shoulders as she turned away from me, I spun her back to face me. Her big brown eyes had reddened from holding back the tears, and my heart cracked.

“ Millie …”

“What if I never catch up? All these feelings you’ve had for me for so long…

what if I never catch up?” She sniffed, wiping her hand under her nose.

“What if I get this wrong? What if I don’t love you like you need to be loved, or it’s not enough?

Or it’s different from how you thought it would be?

Or you change your mind when the baby’s born? ”

“What?” I asked, trying to make sense of where she was coming from, but I truly had nothing. I could almost see her spiraling in front of me.

Why would she think I’d ever change my mind?

I thought I’d made it clear to her that she was my future, but I obviously hadn’t. I pulled her into my arms. Tears streamed down her cheeks, only to be mopped up by my shirt, reminding me of the day I’d found her in the rain at Grand Central.

The day this all began.

“Millie, babe, your love will never not be enough. You will never not be enough. You and the baby are all I need. All I will ever want.”

Holding her against my chest, I let her sob. I didn’t know where this was coming from, it seemed too big of a reaction to come from anything Parker had said. Even if I was still a bit drunk, I’m sure I hadn’t forgotten anything that happened tonight.

I stood there wracking my brain until her sobs subsided, leading to a series of sniffs until she eventually stopped and smiled up at me. It was weak but at least it was a smile.

“Let’s go to bed. It’s late, I’m drunk, we’re both tired.”

“Sure,” she replied, taking my hand.

Hours later I was still awake long after she’d fallen asleep in my arms. I lay there trying to figure out a solution to make her see sense, but in the end I realized this wasn’t a problem I could solve.

She needed to figure it out on her own. I just really hoped she got there soon.