Page 48

I swallowed hard, it was ridiculous to say I was crying because I missed Tanner. It was more complicated than that, especially as he was literally around the corner from me, and I saw him last night. But I hadn’t seen him when I woke up this morning, and for some reason it was messing with my head.

I didn’t have to dig too deep to be more specific.

He’d left. Tanner had left without waking me to say goodbye.

“I don’t want to fall in love with him only for him to leave.”

“Sweetie, anyone can see how much Tanner loves you. I don’t think there’s any danger of that happening.”

“You don’t know?—”

“No, you’re right, I don’t.” She conceded, her hand dropping to rub across my belly. “But neither do you. And this isn’t the same as your father, baseball isn’t a career with a high mortality rate. ”

It should have made me feel better, especially when it was my mom’s weak attempt at a joke, but it only set me off again. I couldn’t wait for the day I stopped crying. It was a wonder I wasn’t permanently dehydrated.

“Does he make you happy?”

I nodded, wiping a sleeve over my face. “I think so. Yes , he does.”

“Then you should let him make you happier ,” she replied, stroking my hair, just like she had when I was a child.

“But I can’t fall in love with Tanner just because he buys me things, or”—I waved to my belly—“because of this. Or because he makes the baby smoothies.”

“But you can’t stop yourself from falling in love with him because of those reasons either. You deserve to be happy.”

I thought about my mom’s words, how wise she was whenever I had a problem. Would I ever be like this when my child was growing up? And at what point did wisdom set in, because it sure didn’t feel like I had much right now.

Lifting my head, I glanced at her. “Wait, what did you mean when you said couple of times? You only met him once.”

“Sure, once, that’s what I meant,” she replied. “Now why don’t I get the check, and we can go home, unpack all these baby things?”

If I thought harder about it, the fact my mom didn’t look at me when she spoke should have made me suspicious.

But I had something more important to think about.

M y phone was waiting for me on the kitchen counter, with a Post-it stuck on the top that said:

Found it under the couch cushions, gone for a run. Be back soon.

The euphoria at finding my phone vanished when there was nothing from Tanner, no missed calls. No messages.

“Mom,” I said as she dropped the store bags of baby clothes onto the couch next to the one I’d brought in. “I’m?—”

“Go and call Tanner.”

“Thank you,” I said, throwing her a grateful smile.

I hit Dial before I’d even made it to my bedroom, and it rang long enough that my heart was racing by the time he picked it up.

“Hey, Mills, how’re you doing? Feeling better?” His dimples pulled in as a smile broadened his face.

“I did.”

“And you have fun with your mom?”

“Yes, thank you, it was so—” I was about to say kind, thoughtful…and then it hit me just how much shit from me he’d put up with.

Tanner, the kind, thoughtful, sane person and not the lunatic I clearly was.

“Oh, Tanner, I’m so sorry.”

His brow creased. “What?”

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for last night and all the times I was horrible to you, and for being such a pain in the ass?—”

“Whoa, Mills, slow down?—”

“I’m sorry about everything. Me, you. Us ?— ”

Tanner opened his mouth to say something, only someone else’s voice sounded out.

“Is that Millie? Millie, I’m sorry about last night. Sorreeeee .” Parker snatched the phone away. “If it makes you feel better, I feel terrible.”

I tried not to laugh as he pushed his bottom lip out in a huge pout. I’d almost forgotten about Parker, who started all this, but had actually done me a huge favor.

My head would still be up my ass if he’d kept his mouth shut.

“No, but seriously, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I caused a fight between you and Tan because we love you, and we can’t wait for the baby to arrive?—”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Tanner grabbed his phone back before I could say anything. “Sorry, babe, I need to go, we’ve got a team meeting. I’ll call you later, ’kay. Bye.”

“I—” but the screen went blank before I could finish.

The giddiness I’d felt when I’d first seen his face subsided, and my chest deflated a little. And for the first time, I noticed he didn’t finish the call telling me he loved me.

“Mom?” I called out, opening my bedroom door.

“In here?—”

Following her voice, I found her standing in the middle of the room, hands on her hips as she surveyed the space. In the ten minutes I’d been on the phone, she’d already unpacked everything and separated it into laundry piles of whites and multicolors.

I’d also started to create small piles of baby things—books, blankets, soaps—and placed them on the floor given the furniture wasn’t being delivered for another couple of weeks.

Swatches of paint were on the wall to the left where Tanner and I had tried to decide what shade we wanted because Corduroy had been vetoed.

Aside from that, and the huge fluffy duck Holiday had bought, the room was empty.

“Where’s everything going to go?” she asked.

I pointed to the walk-in closet. “Clothes in there, but the crib and furniture will go…Hang on, give me a couple of minutes. I can go and get the design layout and show you properly?—”

I rushed out and grabbed the key to the boys’ place. Tanner and I had been going over the plans from Julie the other night, and it was on his nightstand.

I’d been in Tanner’s room plenty of times without him here. In the past month I’d gone to sleep in his bed, waiting for him to return home from an away series or a game I’d been too tired to attend.

But standing in the doorway now felt different—comforting me in a way I hadn’t noticed before. The rich, woody scent of him lingered in the air and I stopped to breathe him in, filling my lungs and our baby until there was no space left for me to breathe any more.

What the hell was I doing?

My mom was right, I’d been trying to stop myself falling in love with him and I couldn’t.

I loved him.

I loved Tanner.

Only I could make something so simple seem so complicated?

I needed to call him back. I wanted to tell him. He deserved to know. He deserved everything, except me being an idiot.

My eyes fell to the nursery design by his bed, sitting next to the framed photo of our first ultrasound I’d given him. Reaching to grab it, I spotted a box on the middle shelf of his nightstand, and my name had been scrawled across a Post-it stuck on the top.

It was a set of baby-bump headphones where you could record your voice and play it to the baby. Tanner had been on a baby-tech buying spree recently, most of it coming from the spreadsheet his brother had given him.

Therefore I tended to ignore it, but this looked cool.

“What’s that?” my mom asked when I walked back into the nursery.

“Headphones for the baby. Tanner bought them,” I replied, passing her the sheet of ideas for the nursery, plus the rudimentary drawings of where we wanted everything to go—crib, changing table, and the rocking chair Tanner insisted on.

“Baby headphones?”

“Yeah.” I glanced at the box and my eyes scanned over the instructions. “It links to an app?—”

Of course it linked to an app. Tanner must have added a dozen different baby apps on my phone, only one of which I ever looked at—the one with the fruit and vegetables. And when I opened my phone, the baby headphones one was right there.

“Millie, honey, go and run yourself a bath while I start washing and organizing all this.” She waved to the piles of baby clothes. “Then we can order takeout once Radley gets home. ”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

I wasn’t going to be told twice.

Five minutes later I was sinking into warm water laced with Tanner’s lavender bath salts, waiting for him to pick up his phone while I stared out of the window in the direction of The Mark past the miles and miles of lights twinkling below.

For the second time the phone rang out.

Rubbing bath oil across my belly, I leaned back and let the water wash over me until the lavender got to work, though I probably shouldn’t be staring at my phone, willing Tanner to call me back. My eyes fell to the box for the headphones—I could make myself useful while I waited.

According to the instructions, I could make recordings in the app, so I opened it up, ready to begin. Except there already seemed to be a bunch…

The first time I ever saw your mom, she was standing across a crowded bar…

I hit Pause and stared at my phone and picked up the box again. Weird. Maybe these were samples?

I pressed Play again.

Uncle Lux had spotted your auntie Radley, but I only had eyes for the one standing next to her…

Pause.

If they were samples, they were very specific, with a voice uncannily similar to Tanner’s. I’d recognize him anywhere, especially echoing off the bathroom tiles.

And it wasn’t just one recording. Scrolling through them until I reached the bottom—there were thirty-three in all. None of them named, just numbered with the date. The first one from back in the middle of September.

Had Tanner already been recording? And linked our apps together?

Slowly inching my finger toward the screen, I pressed Play.

…your mommy. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. But man, she did not like me. Your momma has fire in her belly, she doesn’t put up with any shit—whoops, sorry for saying shit—whoops again. Anyway, from that very first moment I was smitten…

The recording ended as quickly as it started, right as a lump pushed its way up my throat. I wanted more of the story.

Scrolling through again, I noticed they were all different lengths. Some were short?—

…your mommy’s eyes are the color of hot chocolate. Sometimes I wonder what color yours will be, but I hope they’re the same as hers. They’re so beautiful.

And some were longer?—

…to make the smoothie, I always put blueberries in first, followed by two big dollops of coconut yogurt.

Your mommy loves chocolate, so I bought her some Belgian chocolate protein powder, then I add a banana and a bunch of strawberries, followed by a big handful of spinach so she gets her greens and you grow big and strong…

…and your uncle Parker had seen Auntie Scout with another guy, so Mommy and I skated off after them to check it out.

One day, when you’re a little bigger, we’ll take you to the rink at Rockefeller, and I’ll show you exactly where I got down on one knee to propose.

Everyone cheered and your mom wa s so mad, I thought she was going to punch me.

But that was the moment I knew I would marry her for real someday…

And on they went.

Half an hour later my fingers had gone all pruny, and I’d listened to Tanner going about his day, trying to find his lucky socks, or talking through his routine before a game, plus his workouts, and weirdly, one from Jupiter Reeves reeling off Tanner’s stats during what sounded like the middle of a game, given the background noise.

And then there were ones where he read, where his voice dropped so quietly that I almost fell asleep myself as he narrated a story about the moon, or famous baseball players, or what it was like to be little. All stories he’d picked up on the day we’d gone shopping.

And then I got to the final one.

…today I went to visit your grandpa. I’m sad you won’t ever get to meet him. I’m sad I never got to meet him, though I’ve been assured he’d kick my ass. That’s an ass-kicking I’d gladly take…

I paused it and rewound.

…today I went to visit your grandpa…

I paused and rewound it again.

…today I went to visit your grandpa. I’m sad you won’t ever get to meet him. I’m sad I never got to meet him…

Blood pounded in my ears, I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath while he spoke.

He wasn’t talking about his dad, that wouldn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t the baby meet his dad? No, he was talking about my dad.

Tanner had been to Arlington. He’d visited my dad .

Goose bumps erupted over my skin as my body shook so much the water rippled and I sunk further into the heat of the bath, hoping to stop them, but I couldn’t.

My face was already so damp that I barely noticed the tears spill as I played his words over and over until I summoned the courage to listen to the rest.

I told him all about you, how big you were growing, and how I promised to protect you for the rest of your life. You and your mommy. And I had something important to ask him…

The recording cut off. That was it, there was no more. I’d listened to thirty-three recordings, and I’d been left on a cliffhanger.

I stood up as quickly as my bump would allow, water sloshing everywhere, my arms flailing a little to stop myself from sliding.

“Sorry, baby,” I said, stepping out of the tub onto the floor and reaching for a towel. “I don’t say this to you enough, but you have the best daddy ever, and we’re going to tell him.”

Screw baseball.

I had to see Tanner, and it needed to be face to face.