Page 9

VLAD

" T hank you Seth," I tell him as he brings me the latest batch of pictures of Sisi.

I'd asked him to watch over her since no matter how much I'd wanted to step away, I just couldn't. I need to know she's safe more than I need my next breath. And the pictures he's been taking for me have been the only thing keeping me going.

I never would have thought I'd become so obsessed with anyone, least of all a female. But Sisi isn't just anyone.

She's everything.

Picking up the pictures, I swipe my finger over her features. She's wearing a scarf over her neck, and I feel a pang in my chest at the thought that I might have scarred her skin forever.

She hasn't been out of the house much, and all the pictures are taken of her in the garden. She's so achingly beautiful that I cannot even find words to describe her. Even with her hair only reaching her shoulders, she's simply exquisite.

Out of pure instinct, I reach into my pocket, taking out the handkerchief she'd embroidered for me. I'd placed some of her hair inside, tying it at the ends to have it with me always.

Spreading out the material on my table, I take out some strands of hair, bringing them to my nose and inhaling—trying to get a whiff of her scent. But the more time passes, the more her scent becomes muted.

Eventually it will be all but gone.

"Why don't you just admit that you love her?" Vanya appears out of nowhere, pacing around in front of me. Not for the first time she starts interrogating me about Sisi. After all, she's the sole reason for my slight change in behavior.

Vanya's been the first one to note that I'd become more withdrawn and one hundred percent more reckless, so she'd started cornering me at every turn, demanding I do something about it.

And after my last incident with opiates, I can see why she'd become increasingly mad at me. After all, I'd been the one to criticize Bianca when she'd become addicted to coke, and here I was, slowly following in her footsteps.

Safe to say, though, I learned my lesson when I almost OD'd. Apparently my body is fully capable of overdosing, it just can't react that well to pain.

Of any kind.

"You know I can't love," I answer with a sigh. We've been over this before. I'm broken from birth and it's not like anything could magically fix it.

If I could, Sisi would be the first… no, the only one to whom I'd offer my love.

"You can't love yet you love her." She raises an eyebrow, her arms crossed over her chest as she stops in front of me.

"It's not love!" I groan out loud. "It's just my selfish desire to have her with me at all times. To feel her with me… to have her in my arms…" I drift off, the pain in my chest expanding. Why does it feel like I can't breathe? Like the entire room is getting smaller and smaller.

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I still remember seeing her with the evidence of what I'd done.

The fact that I could have easily killed her had nearly destroyed me.

For the first time in my life, I'd known real fear at the prospect of her gone.

It had been like the worst hit to the chest, my mind fogging, my entire being racked with the worst pain I'd ever felt.

My fingers tighten over her hair as I hold it near, the only thing that seems to calm me these days.

"You selfishly don't love her, but you unselfishly let her go to protect her, even though it's killing you inside," Vanya says, shaking her head at me. "If that's not love…" She trails off and I lift my eyes to look at her.

"You, my brother, are a moron," she states, exasperated. "You're putting her welfare above your own! That's the very definition of love!"

"And how would you know?" I ask, rather peeved.

"Because that's what you did for me too!" she screams at me.

I look at her dumbfounded, wholly shocked at her outburst.

"You love her, you just don't know how to love. There's a difference," she points out.

"But how can I love if I don't know how?" I ask brokenly.

I just want her… I've only ever wanted her.

"You just do what other people do. Take care of her, shower her with attention, show her she is the only one for you."

"But she is!" I blurt out.

"Brother mine, sometimes I wonder how we're related. You're an idiot of the biggest proportions. You have to show her! Hell, she probably hates you right now for the last time. For abandoning her so ruthlessly."

"But I had to…" I say weakly, images of her poor battered body still haunting my mind.

"You didn't have to! You just ran at the first sight that things were getting slightly more complicated. You never even thought of getting help instead of throwing her away."

"I did… and look where it got me. I killed the damned psychiatrist." I look away, the flashbacks I'd recovered from that session still a sore subject. Especially as I look at my sister…

"And only because of her!" Vanya throws her hands up, exasperated.

"You tried once and you gave up. Come on, Vlad.

There have to be more ways," she tells me.

"I don't understand how you can be so smart when it comes to everyone else, but so dumb when it comes to your own damned self," she says angrily, and I purse my lips, her words not unwarranted.

"What more can I do, V? I'm afraid to even place myself in the same ten mile radius of her, knowing that if she's even remotely close then I'll rush over to her and…" My breath hitches. "I'll hurt her again."

It's why I'm sending Seth to check up on her. I'd never be able to stop myself from going to her if I knew she was near.

"You need to do something about your episodes. That's the only way," she tells me.

I'm quiet for a moment, the mere prospect of having Sisi in my life again filling me with something akin to happiness. Not that I know what happiness is, but I expect it's something like what her presence does to me.

But before I can do that I need to get myself under control.

Try harder.

Damn, but I'd do anything as long as I could ensure I'm not a danger to her. I'm just out of ideas.

"Fine," I agree. "You may be right. But how do I fix it? She seemed so desolate when I told her…" Even if I do manage to get my episodes under control, I doubt she'd forgive me so easily. I don't even want to remember the words I'd spewed at her, the lies I'd purposefully told her to hurt her.

I'd wanted to drive her as far away from me as possible, and I'd succeeded.

"You go to her and you beg for forgiveness. You'll be lucky if she gives it to you." Vanya raises an eyebrow at me, and I can tell she's on Sisi's side.

As much as I'd like to argue with her, she's right.

I got scared and I threw everything away. I should have fought harder, tried harder. After all, Sisi is the one person in this world who would not have reviled me for my episode.

But in my defense, I'd never felt such fear as I did when I saw what I'd done to her.

Hell, I'd never felt fear before at all .

I'd been ready to ask her to fucking put me out of my misery.

I'd been fucking terrified of doing more…

of killing her. Because a world without Sisi is not a world I want to live in.

"You're right." I take a deep breath, finally ready to face my demons. "I have to. Because I think I do love her," I admit, my lips trembling as I utter the word love .

Vanya's deductions are perfectly logical.

I wouldn't have reacted like this if I hadn't loved her.

Hell, I pride myself on my selfishness, yet with her I'd been uncharacteristically un selfish.

Maybe it's not the love regular people feel, but it's the nearest thing to it I can feel.

And I'll take it. Because then I might have something to offer her.

Something other than destruction.

"Finally!" Vanya rolls her eyes. "My idiotic brother, you have your work cut out for you."

"Don't I know it?" I mutter.

One thing is for sure. When one is desperate, one resorts to desperate measures.

I'd thought that reaching out to a psychiatrist had been the height of folly given my own rather resolute beliefs regarding its scientific validity.

But what I'm about to do now defies every law of logic.

I watch as the plane dips toward the make-shift landing strip, already seeing the vast expanse of forest stretching all around the horizon line.

One of my contacts from Peru, Joaquin, is waiting for me when I land, the itinerary ready for this last attempt at regaining my sanity.

"Good to see you, Vlad," he adds drily when I set my luggage in the waiting cart.

"Joaquin, dear, if anyone heard you they'd think you aren't happy to see me," I joke, even though I know our acquaintance is strained at best. Still, he owed me a favor and I'm cashing in.

"I can't say I expected to see you here, Vlad. Ever again," he mutters, "not after you almost caused a civil war here."

"That I stopped too." I smile.

Since I'd taken over the Bratva, I'd also continued with its favorite pastime—drugs. I mean, it is a lucrative business, and over the years it has lined my pockets with gold, but it's also messy.

I'd continued my father's business associations with certain organizations from South America, and Peru has proved to be the best avenue for resourcing coca leaves and turning them into a people's favorite—not coca cola sadly.

This area in particular had not seen much competition from cartels or other organizations, so I'd focused my resources here.

Well, the moment I'd set my sights on this place, so had other people. And a small war had started in the region. While I can't say I actually caused the conflict, I definitely squashed it when I killed all those brave souls so ready to pick up a weapon and go against me.

"Did you make the arrangements?" I ask him as we head to the Jeep.

"After the mess you caused here, I can't say there are many people willing to work with you," he sighs. "Almost everyone knows your name by now, or has at least heard of el Supay. "

"I didn't realize I gained such a reputation."