Page 13

SISI

" D id you get it?" I usher Raf inside the house, already restless with anxiety.

Since Marcello is at his speech therapy today, I'd invited Raf to come over, asking him for a huge favor.

Blushing deeply, he nods slowly, handing me the bag.

"God, you're a sweetheart." I give him a big hug before I reach inside the bag to find the package.

"Are you sure?" he asks me as I all but drag him to my room.

"I don't know, Raf. I've been reading up on the internet about the symptoms and they fit. Besides," I add, dropping my head low, "it's not entirely improbable. He did…" I trail off when I see him blush even further. "Doesn't matter now. We'll see what the test says," I declare.

I unpack the test with hurried movements, almost afraid to find out.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling off. Weakness and nausea in the morning and just an overall state of tiredness that was inexplicable. It had all come crashing down when I'd realized that my period was late.

It was never late.

Since I'd first gotten my period, it had always come right on time, so I'd known when to expect it. When the day had come and passed and still no period, I'd started getting worried. And so I'd turned to the internet.

Pregnant.

The possibility that I might get pregnant hadn't even crossed my mind. After Maxim had dropped me off at home that day, I'd just shut down. Mentally and physically.

My body had taken the brunt of it, and I'd spent a week in bed just recuperating from the various injuries he'd inflicted on me. Two of them had even scarred pretty badly, the one on my neck and the one on my breast.

I don't even want to know what had happened down there because it had been excruciating to sit down, move around, or even go to the bathroom for the first few days.

Luckily, with Marcello in the hospital and Lina and Claudia gone, I didn't have to explain my sorry state to anyone. I'd put a scarf around my neck and some make-up on for Venezia's benefit, and she hadn't realized anything was wrong.

Slowly, my body had started to heal, but my mind was just lagging behind. There wasn't a moment where I wasn't thinking about him or trying to understand why he'd done that to me when I would have never left him.

Regardless of the damage to my body, I would have stuck by him. Because I knew it wasn't him. I knew he wasn't in control.

I would have forgiven him all the pain he'd caused my body. But what I could not and will never forgive is the pain he'd caused my soul.

Unwanted…

Days on end I'd had nightmares, his words ringing in my ears, his mocking insults embedding themselves so deeply in my head I couldn't rid myself of them.

It had gotten so bad I could barely sleep, knowing that if I did close my eyes I'd see him sneering down at me.

And yet, despite shattering me inside out, I still couldn't shake the love I have for him.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'd been so sure that with time I'd be able to put it all behind me, and while I'm still working on not loving him, the issue at hand complicates things. Because if I am pregnant, then I'll find myself with a pretty permanent issue.

Taking a deep breath, I head into the bathroom, following the instructions on the package and peeing on the stick. Then, I just wait.

"What are you going to do if you're pregnant?" Raf asks. He's sitting on my bed, watching me pace around like a lunatic.

"Can I not think about that for now?" My voice is low and a little trembly.

"Sisi…" he continues, and I know he means well. This isn't something to be taken lightly.

"I don't know," I admit. "I've never thought…" I've never even thought about having children. Me? A mother? What do I even know about being a mother, since I've never had one? "There has to be a solution," I say, although my voice lacks confidence.

"You could always get an abortion," Raf notes. "I could help you," he continues, but I quickly shake my head.

"No. That's out of the question," I tell him. He should know that I'd never do that, given my own history with being abandoned at Sacre Coeur. I'd never willingly do anything to harm a child of mine.

"I know," he sighs, "I threw it on the table just in case." He gives me a sad smile.

The phone rings to signal the time is up. My hands are sweaty, my entire body shaking as I pick up the test. Closing my eyes, I say a short prayer before opening them.

Pregnant.

"So?" Raf asks, and I sniffle a sob, my eyes already moist with tears. I hand him the test, going to sit on the bed.

Head in my hands, I massage my temples, trying to alleviate this feeling of doom that's settled over me.

A child.

My God, but how can I have a child? There's also Vlad and he… well, he cannot handle a child even more so. He's too unstable to even be near one.

Not that he'd want to.

Why is it that there are times when I forget he threw me aside? That I meant nothing to him? In his own words, he'd been bored and I'd been just an experiment. Someone to pass time with.

"Sisi." Raf sits down next to me, taking me in his arms. "It's going to be okay. We can think of something," he whispers into my hair.

Sobs rack my body as I expel everything I've been holding inside of me.

"Marcello will kill him. He'll kill me, he'll…" I can't even form proper words. "What do I even know about babies?" I cry out, my thoughts jumbled in my head, all my emotions coming to the surface. "I don't know what I'm going to do," I tell him sincerely.

I'm in so over my head.

"Marry me," he says suddenly, and I whip my head back, my eyes widening at his words.

"What?"

"Marry me, Sisi, and no one will have to know. Our families are already hoping we might become more."

"Raf…" I shake my head, speechless.

"We may not have known each other long, but you're my dearest friend, and the only one I feel safe enough to share my secret with. Maybe with time…" He trails off.

"I don't know what to say, Raf. This is so sudden. Too sudden."

I'd never thought of Raf as anything but a friend, and I don't think I'd ever see him in a different light.

Not after him.

"It would solve both our issues. My father wants me to marry soon anyway, and I could claim your baby as my own," he continues, surprising me even more.

"Raf… Thank you, but you know I don't feel that way about you," I admit. We'd been over this from the beginning. And while Vlad may be out of the picture now, that doesn't mean that he's not still in my heart.

"We don't have to be more then. We'll do just fine as friends," he starts, taking my hands in his.

"I know you're not in love with me, just as I'm not in love with you.

But we have what other people lack—trust. And I swear I would care for your baby just as I care for you," he says sincerely, and for a moment I'm lost in his light eyes.

So full of kindness, and so fundamentally different from the pair I love.

"I'm scared," I whisper, taking a deep breath. "I never thought I'd find myself in this situation."

But what is the alternative, really? Give birth out of wedlock and be shunned like Lina had been?

If Marcello doesn't kill me and Vlad first, that is.

I've heard enough of our world to know that it's simply not done, and I've seen firsthand what Lina had had to endure because she'd been unmarried when she'd had Claudia.

I could withstand it. After all, I'm good at taking people's insults in stride. But what about my child? He's innocent and I know he will bear the brunt of it all.

"Okay," I whisper, "let's do it. You're right that it's the only way, and I promise that I'll be the best wife I can be. Just don't expect…" I drift off, and he catches my meaning.

"I know where your heart is, Sisi. You have nothing to worry about in that regard." He gives me a small smile.

"Thank you." I wrap my arms around him in a hug. "Thank you," I repeat.

Once the initial shock of the pregnancy wears off, I start warming up to the idea. In fact, one might say I'm becoming too thrilled at the prospect of a baby.

I'll finally have someone just for me. Someone whom I'll love and will love me back. The fact that he's part of him is a plus, since this way I'll have something of him as well.

Marcello's been in and out of the house with his treatments, so I haven't found a good time to tell him the news about the marriage. But more than anything, I haven't been able to hear anything about him.

"God, I can't even say his name," I mutter to myself, annoyed.

He's become something of a he who shall not be named in my head, mostly because even thinking up his name causes me profound pain. That doesn't seem to have stopped me from being curious about him and wondering what he's been up to though.

Marcello's been tight-lipped and other than that, I simply have no other way of knowing about him.

"I wonder if you'll look like your father." I pat my belly, a smile on my face as I imagine a dark-haired, dark-eyed child—a carbon copy of him . All I know is that I'll lavish all my love on this child and he'll never have to doubt whether he is wanted or not.

"I love you, little one," I whisper, happiness already enveloping me as I imagine our future. He may not be in it, but I'll have the next best thing.

And that will make it bearable.

Raf's been nothing but a sweetheart as he'd inquired about my health almost daily. I know this marriage is advantageous for him too, since his father has been wanting a union with our family for a long time.

And when we'll be married, his father will finally leave him alone and everything will be in order for the inheritance succession. Raf may not want the power, but someone will have to take it, and better him than his awful being of a brother.

Even knowing that it benefits him too, I am eternally grateful to him for offering to help me.