Page 23

SISI

H e's not too close but not too far either. His position is awfully stiff too, his legs spread apart, his hands resting on his knees.

Silence descends as neither of us starts talking.

It's now or never.

I don't know if I'm taking a huge risk, but I stretch my arm over to his side, my palm coming to rest on top of his hand.

He seems surprised by the touch, his body jerking up slightly before slowly becoming more relaxed. Still, there's a lot of tension underneath, and I can feel that he's trying to keep himself in check.

"Why did you fix the bear, Vlad?" I ask the question that had baffled me the most. Turning toward him, I watch him swallow hard, taking his time to reply as if he's choosing his words carefully.

"It was a gift. For you," he eventually says, his voice low and lacking his usual confidence.

"And?" I continue to probe. His shoulders angle up in a careless shrug, his lips pursed as if he doesn't know the answer either.

"I felt bad for it," he eventually replies, and his words tug at my heart. "I wanted you to have it," he continues, and for the first time I note a raw vulnerability to him. "You like teddy bears. I know you do." His eyes meet mine, his gaze cloudy with confusion.

"Why are you doing all of this? What are you trying to gain?"

He takes a deep breath, sounding almost defeated.

"I know what I did to you doesn't deserve forgiveness.

I know that," he pauses, his brows knit together in a frown.

"But I can't do this without you, Sisi. I thought I could.

I thought you'd be better off without me.

Hell, you probably are better off without me.

But I'm such a selfish bastard that I can't let you go," he says, his rough voice sending shivers down my back.

"What are you trying to say, Vlad? Help me understand you, because, honestly, all of your actions so far have done nothing more than confuse me," I tell him, my hand still on his.

"Sisi…" he groans, bending his head low.

"You know I'm not indifferent to you, Vlad.

But at the same time, I don't know if I can trust you.

You threw me aside once. Who's to say you won't do it again?

" I voice out my utmost worry. "You approach everything from a logical angle.

What if next time you logically decide I'm a liability again?

I can't do this every single time. I can't just wait around for your moods to change. "

"Sisi, nothing about you is logical. Nothing I've ever done when it comes to you is ever logical.

I know I screwed up. Fuck, I know I've been the biggest ass, on top of physically hurting you too.

But please, just give me one more chance to prove to you that I didn't mean what I said.

That you really are the most important person for me.

" He turns his palm up, cupping mine and squeezing it.

"I'm not myself without you," he confesses, "I know it sounds strange. Hell, even to my ears it sounds ludicrous. I spent thirty years just fine without you, but now I realize I wasn't fine." he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

"It took me less than a day to realize that there's no more me without you," he leans forward, closing the distance between us, "no Vlad without Sisi," he whispers, his breath on my cheek, "but I was too damn terrified of my own self and what I could have done to you."

I'm lost in his eyes. His words have never been softer, or more imbued with emotion than now. Even knowing he cannot feel, there's so much feeling.

And I waver.

"Fuck, Sisi." He lowers his forehead, resting it on my shoulder.

I hold myself still, his ragged breaths only making my heart beat faster.

"I was so careful," he whispers, "I wanted to give you a perfect first time," he says, surprising me once more.

I just listen, knowing this is a rare moment for him.

"I was so careful to not cause you any pain. And what did I do?" He gives a bitter laugh. "I took your virginity like a fucking beast. I…" he trails off, a low sound escaping his lips. "I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the hurt I caused you."

"Vlad…" I trail off.

"Even knowing that, I can't help myself. I know it's a lot to ask, but I can only promise I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make amends. Just please, give me another chance."

I don't know how to answer. I'm simply speechless as I hold on to him, blinking away tears and trying to stop my feelings from clouding my judgement. Because the truth is that I still love him.

I never stopped.

And his words right now are like a balm to my battered heart.

But how much can I believe?

"I don't know how," I answer truthfully, my voice soft and even. "I don't know how, Vlad," I repeat, raising my hand to wipe a tear from my eye. "You know I grew up at Sacre Coeur," I start, trembling slightly as the memories come back.

He draws back a little, his eyes still on me as he waits for me to continue.

"It wasn't pleasant," I admit, not pleasant being an understatement. "I was an outcast, doing my best to survive. Honestly, I was just a child looking for someone to love me, but instead I only found hate."

I gather my hands in my lap, clenching them together as I recall the abuse I'd endured for years on end.

"But my time there made me who I am today. It gave me my fears and my dreams. And because of that, I don't know how to continue with this. I don't know how to forgive you," I whisper, wiping more tears from my eyes.

Without giving it a second thought, I stand up, my shaking hands on the fastening of my dress. His eyes look anguished as he gazes at me, his entire body stiff, as if he doesn't dare make a wrong move.

Before I lose the courage, I drop my dress to the floor, remaining only in my underwear. I need to show him the truth—make him understand why .

"I was five when I got this scar." I point to an ugly line running across my elbow. "I was running away from some kids who were calling me cursed and," I swallow, the memories still painful, "and the devil's spawn."

"Someone tripped me and I fell. My elbow was split open, and still, they didn't stop.

I was lying on the ground, bleeding and crying in pain, and all they could do was laugh at me.

Sneer that it was what I deserved because that's what cursed people deserve—pain.

The nuns weren't any better. I should have gotten immediate help for my wound, but instead I was punished for running around.

" My breath hitches as I remember that particular punishment.

"I was locked in a dark room for two days.

Two days that my elbow hurt like hell, and no one thought to help me, or even inquire about me.

Eventually the wound closed by itself, but because it had never been cleaned, it closed with a few pebbles inside.

I had multiple bouts of infection until Mother Superior decided that I should finally see a doctor.

But even then, do you know what they did? " I ask Vlad's attention wholly on me.

"Mother Superior said I didn't need any anesthetic for when they cut into my skin to remove the pebbles, that they shouldn't waste precious resources on a naughty child."

"Sisi…"

"No, I need to say this." I stop him. "That was the first time I realized that no one cared if I lived or died.

And things just got worse." I bring my hand up to my right breast, where they marked me with the cross.

"This," I trace the outline of the scar, "was supposed to be an exorcism.

They wanted to make sure the devil got out of me and stayed out of me," I explain, doing my best not to become overwhelmed by the past.

I continue to show him scar after scar. My knees that were busted one too many times, my palms full of abrasions from being hit with wooden sticks until I bled, the small indentations all over my stomach as I was kicked and kicked until I couldn't breathe anymore.

And then I reach for the newer ones.

"And you know how I got these," I say and he flinches, looking as if I'd just slapped him.

"But do you know what they all have in common? For every single scar, no matter how tiny, the inner pain was the same. For every single time my body yelped in pain, my soul wept for mercy. Do you know how many times I wished for death? How many times I’d wished I could just stop the pain for once and for all? "

My entire body is trembling at this point, my breath coming in painful spurts. "Because hurting here," I bring my fist against my chest, "makes every other type of pain pale in comparison."

"You have no idea how blessed you are that you cannot feel that pain, because that's the real hell."

He keeps staring at me, his eyes drinking me in like he's seeing me for the first time.

"And because of that, I promised myself I would never beg anyone for love or attention. You were right about me being unwanted," I say, and I note the way his jaw clenches, his fists gripped so tightly his knuckles are a stark white.

"But I swore to myself that I'd never go back to someone who would easily throw me away. It was the only way I could make peace with the hand I was dealt."

I bring my arms around my body, rubbing my skin, the air suddenly chilly.

"And that's why, Vlad, I don't know how to forgive you," I whisper, more tears falling down my cheeks. "Because forgiving you would mean betraying myself. And I don't know if I can live with that."

He blinks, his eyes unfocused. Slowly, he rises from the bed, coming toward me until we're face to face.

Still holding eye contact, he does something that completely floors me.

He drops to his knees.

Head bent low, he drops to his knees in front of me, his hands clenched by his side, his entire body quivering with unreleased tension.

This proud man is on his knees before me.

Eyes wide, I watch him do something I would have never associated with Vlad—he's bowing down at me.

Submission.