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There's a craziness inside of me that seems to be unleashed that very moment, my sanity spilling over the normal bounds and flooding every cell in my body with in sanity. Because there's no other explanation for what I'm doing.

Not as I'm trying to stuff the blood into my already dead sister. Not as a pain filled battle cry escapes my lips, my fingers settling on the knife as I hit it against her chest, opening her up and grabbing that organ from her body, cradling it in my hand and trying to get it to work again.

"Please, V," I say as I pump the heart.

Me, who prized logic over everything.

Meet the illogic.

I lose track of everything as I simply push my rational mind as far away as I can, locking it away and throwing the key. I give myself to everything that is irrational, savage, and emotional.

Everything is hazy as I see myself smash her body to pieces in a blood fueled rage.

Blood is everywhere.

My blood. Her blood. Our blood.

It bathes my body as I take comfort in knowing her life's force is on me.

In me.

And as nothing else works, I just bring her heart to my mouth, biting into it, feeling the way her blood fills me.

We're one.

Because she can't be gone. She can never be gone.

Red is everywhere. A brilliant red that beckons me. A vivid red that promises to fulfill all of my wishes. A lively red that's her. My Vanya. My twin.

But she's gone.

And I just lose myself.

PRESENT

It's all foggy as I can no longer differentiate between what's real and what's not; what's past and what present. There's a pounding in my ears as everything becomes static noise. My pulse is elevated, blood thumping in my veins and clouding my judgement.

I only feel a deep hole in my chest—the size of the hole I put in my sister's as I'd ruthlessly killed her.

Years. So many years I spent searching for her killer when I could have just looked in the mirror.

Vanya…

What's left of my heart breaks even more as I remember her words.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

Whose fault was it that she hurt?

Mine.

Because I'd spiraled out of control, my ego the size of a skyscraper as I thought I had all the answers. A kid of barely eight taking on the entire world and revolutionizing science.

Laughter bubbles in my throat as I realize how much I'd allowed Miles to play with my head. He'd turned me into a robot ready to do his bidding.

And I killed her.

Everything comes rushing in. All the events from twenty years ago are suddenly crystal clear in my mind as I see myself engaging in all sorts of experiments, being the lab rat and the lab coat.

Vanya…

I can't help it as I fall to my knees, my teeth bared as a howl escapes me, all the pain I'm feeling threatening to overpower me.

Vanya…

My kind sister who never hurt anyone. My twin.

Once my everything.

I can't do it. I can't come to terms that these two hands that I'm staring at were the cause of her death. I used these fingers to wrap them around the hilt of a knife, stabbing her heart until all the blood poured out.

I can't.

My body starts trembling, the pressure building inside of me reaching a boiling point.

And I snap.

I barely realize how I move or when I move. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins, my entire body pumped up and ready for destruction.

I only feel the wind caress my skin as I glide on the floor, my fists ready to wreak havoc, my only purpose to raise hell.

I need chaos. I feed off of it. Because only in chaos can I silence that voice that tells me I'm my sister's killer.

I need the chaos to survive.

And they need to die.

Moving forward, I grasp on to Miles' feeble body, all rational thought leaving me, and only one purpose remaining.

Blood.

I want to see his blood flooding the room. I want to see his life leaving his body.

Death. I want to see death.

I grab on to his neck, twisting until he's moving no more, and yet I keep on pulling, knowing it will give way eventually, unleashing a violent storm as rivulets of blood wash over me.

And when his neck pops, blood and bone finally spurting out, I don't stop. I just take his head and I smash it to the ground until his skull becomes pieces smaller than fine sand. Until there's no more.

But I need more.

More blood.

I feel myself wading through people.

Hitting, smashing, destroying.

Only the sticky feel of blood as it coats my body makes me feel a little more at peace. Everything that comes into my path is doomed.

I hear bones breaking, skin tearing, blood spurting.

A pleasure unlike any other overtakes me as I simply give in. I succumb to this animalistic rage, hoping to lose myself. Lose every part of me that still remembers, every part of me that knows about Vanya.

Because the alternative is too painful.

And so I continue.

I kill and kill and kill. It's the only thing that feeds the beast.

Until I can't anymore.

I don't feel the pain of the bullet that hits my side. I only feel the blood as it gushes out of me, the force of the hit propelling me back and making me lose my balance.

Unwittingly, I fall down, my breathing labored, and my lids heavy.

In the back of my mind, I know something's wrong. That I've been critically injured. But I can't react.

"I'm here," I think I hear a voice.

A very familiar voice.

"Where you go I go," she continues, the sound so melodic it makes my dead heart weep.

And as I feel a small hand cup my cheek, dragging my gaze down, I blink some clarity into my eyes.

The haze is slowly lifting to reveal a blonde goddess looking at me, her eyes red from crying, her features contorted in pain.

I open my mouth, wanting to speak, but no sound comes out except a hoarse grunt.

She frowns, never taking her hand off of my skin, her body cushioning mine even as more blood falls between us.

"Si… Si…" I manage to get the syllables out, the effort seemingly taking everything out of me.

"Yes," she whispers fervently. "Yes." She brings both hands to my cheeks as she pulls me toward her, her lips on mine as I taste blood and tears. "Yes," she speaks against me, and I inhale the words just as I inhale her.

"Hell girl," I groan, my mind gaining some alertness.

"Vlad, my Vlad," she continues to speak in short, pained sounds that make me hurt for her.

You hurt, I hurt.

Everything comes rushing in, the memories, the pain.

The love.

"My Sisi," I croak, my arms reaching around her small body to tug her to me. And as I feel around her back, I find pieces of metal embedded in her clothes.

"What…" I start, but she silences me with yet another kiss.

"I'm fine. We're fine." She drags her lips across my cheek. "Everything will be fine."

I don't know why those words simply break me. And I do something I should have done a long time ago.

I let myself feel.