Page 53 of His Elder

"And did this activity involve—" Another pause. "—oral contact?"

Heat flooded my face. "Yes."

"And did it progress beyond that? To—to penetration?"

The word felt clinical. Cold. Nothing like the desperate, beautiful thing it had been in the dark.

"Yes," I whispered.

President Dalton set down his pen. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, suddenly looking every one of his sixty-some years.

"Samuel," he said, and the use of my first name made me flinch. "Do you understand the gravity of what you've done? The covenants you've broken? You've been set apart as a representative of Jesus Christ. You wear His name on your chest. And you've engaged in—in homosexual acts. In the mission field."

Each word was a hammer blow.

"I know," I choked out.

"Do you?" He leaned forward. "Because I'm not sure you do. This isn't just about you, Elder Price. It's about every missionary in this mission. It's about the investigators who trusted you. It's about the members who opened their homes to you. What do you think happens when word gets out that two elders were—were involved in this way? How does that reflect on the Lord's work?"

"I'm sorry," I said, but the words felt hollow.

"I believe you are." He sighed. "But sorrow isn't enough. The question is—do you recognize this behavior as sinful? As contrary to God's plan?"

I hesitated. Because that was the question, wasn't it? The one Eli had been asking me for weeks.Do you really believe loving me is wrong?

"I—I know it's against the rules," I said carefully. "Against the Law of Chastity."

"That's not what I asked." His eyes sharpened. "Do you believe that homosexual behavior is sinful? That it goes against God's plan for His children?"

My hands were shaking. "The Church teaches—"

"I'm not asking what the Church teaches, Samuel. I'm asking whatyoubelieve. Because if you don't have a testimony of this principle, then we can't move forward. Repentance requires recognition of sin."

The painting of Christ stared down at me from the wall. His face twisted in agony, alone in the garden.

I thought about my father, about the disappointment in his eyes when I'd told him I struggled with same-sex attraction at fourteen. About my mother, who'd cried and told me it was just a trial, that I'd overcome it if I was faithful enough. About my mission call, which I'd seen as a lifeline—a chance to prove I could be fixed, that I could become the man they needed me to be.

I thought about Eli, about the way he'd looked at me in the dark and told me I wasn't broken.

"I don't know," I said, and my voice broke. "I don't know what I believe anymore."

President Dalton's expression softened with something that looked like pity. "I see."

He stood and moved to the window, gazing out at the Barcelona skyline. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet.

"Elder Price, I've known your family for a long time. Your father is a good man. A faithful man. And I know he has high hopes for you—mission, BYU, temple marriage, a family of your own. The path every righteous young man should walk."

I said nothing.

"But right now," he continued, "you're at a crossroads. And the choice you make will determine not just your future in this mission, but your eternal salvation. Do you understand that?"

"Yes."

He turned back to face me. "I'm going to be very direct with you, because I care about you and I want you to have every opportunity to make this right. Based on what you've told me, you've committed serious sin. The kind that requires formal Church discipline. At minimum, you'll be sent home from your mission immediately. Your membership will be at risk."

My stomach turned to ice.

"However," he said, "there's another consideration here. Elder Vance."