Page 47 of His Elder

At the chapel, I tried to pray. I knelt in the empty sacrament meeting room, my forehead pressed against the back of the pew in front of me, and I tried to feel anything other than numb.

Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.

But the words felt hollow. I didn't feel forgiven. I didn't evenfeel guilty, not really. I felt... empty. Scraped clean. Like everything I'd been taught, everything I'd believed, had been a story I told myself to survive, and now I couldn't remember the plot.

Behind me, I heard Eli enter. He didn't approach. He just sat in a pew near the back, waiting.

I stayed on my knees for another five minutes, trying to summon the right feelings. Remorse. Shame. Fear of eternal damnation. But all I could summon was the phantom sensation of his hands on my body, his mouth on my skin, the way he'd whispered my name like it was sacred.

I stood. Eli's eyes tracked me as I walked past him toward the door.

"We have district meeting in an hour," I said. "We should go back and get our materials."

He didn't argue.

The district meeting was torture.

Elder Kempton stood at the front of the room, his laser focus sweeping over each of us in turn. When his gaze landed on me, I felt it like a physical weight.

"Elder Price," he said, his voice carrying that tone of manufactured concern. "You look tired."

"I'm fine."

"Are you?" He tilted his head. "Because President Dalton mentioned he's concerned about your recent reports. Your numbers have dropped significantly in the past two weeks."

I felt Eli tense beside me.

"We've been focusing on quality over quantity," I said, the words automatic. "Building relationships with our investigators."

"Relationships." Kempton's mouth twitched. "Is that what we're calling it now?"

My stomach dropped. Eli's hand moved fractionally on the armrest, like he wanted to reach for me but stopped himself.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Elder," I said carefully.

Kempton's smile didn't reach his eyes. "I mean that your focus seems... divided. You and Elder Vance seem to have developed quite the companionship."

The room had gone silent. Elder Moss and Elder Brown exchanged glances.

"Elder Vance is my companion," I said. "We work together."

"Do you?" Kempton leaned against the desk, his arms crossed. "Because from what I've observed, Elder Vance has been pulling you away from the spirit of the work. Your testimony in zone conference was... lackluster. Your teaching has lost its fire. You used to be the standard, Elder Price. Now you're just... going through the motions."

Each word was a hammer blow. Because he was right. I had been going through the motions. I couldn't summon the conviction anymore. I couldn't look investigators in the eye and tell them that God's plan for them included eternal families when I knew—Iknew—that plan had no place for people like me. Like Eli.

"I'm doing my best," I said quietly.

"Are you?" Kempton straightened. "Because your best used to mean something. Now it just looks like you've given up."

Eli shifted beside me, and I knew he was about to say something, so I spoke first.

"I haven't given up. I'm just—" I stopped. What could I say? I'm just realizing everything I believed was a lie? I'm just trying to reconcile loving God with loving another man? I'm just trying to survive?

"Tired," I finished lamely.

Kempton studied me for a long moment. Then he nodded slowly. "Well, Elder Price, I think perhaps what you need is a fresh perspective. As I said previously, I'll likely be making some companionship changes this week. I think a new companion might help reignite your fire."

The floor dropped out from under me. I couldn't look at Eli. If I looked at him, Kempton would see it. He'd see everything.