Page 38 of His Elder

"We need to talk about this," Eli said.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Samuel, look at me."

I didn't. I couldn't. If I looked at him, I would see the person who had knelt beside my bed. The person who had touched me. The person who had made me feel things that proved, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I was exactly what I feared I was. Broken. Unnatural. Damned.

"I'm not going to apologize," Eli said, his voice hardening. "You wanted it. You asked for it. You needed it."

My hand slammed down on the desk, the crack of it loud in the small room. "I didn'taskfor anything."

"You nodded. You gave me permission."

"I was—" My voice cracked. I swallowed hard, my throat aching. "I was half-asleep. I didn't know what I was doing."

The silence that followed was sharp enough to cut. When Eli spoke again, his voice was low, dangerous. "You're lying. To me, and to yourself."

"Get out."

"This is my bedroom too."

"Then I'll leave." I grabbed my scriptures, my journal, my pen, and shoved past him, my shoulder clipping his. He didn't try to stop me. I walked into the main room, my bare feet cold on the tile floor, and sat down at the small kitchen table. I opened my scriptures again, my hands shaking so violently the pages rattled.

Eli appeared in the doorway, dressed now in his slacks and white shirt, the sleeves still unbuttoned at the cuffs. He leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed, watching me with an expression I couldn't read.

"You can't pretend it didn't happen," he said.

"Watch me."

"Samuel—"

"Elder Price." I looked up at him, my voice ice. "You will call me Elder Price. We are companions. That is all we are. That is all we will ever be."

His jaw tightened. For a moment, I thought he was going to argue. Instead, he pushed off the doorframe and walked to the kitchenette, pulling out a box of cereal and a bowl. He didn't say another word.

We left for our morning study at the chapel at 7:30 a.m., exactly on time. I walked three paces ahead of Eli the entire way, my scriptures clutched to my chest like a shield. The streets of Barcelona were still quiet, the early morning light soft and golden, but I didn't see any of it. I saw only the list of rules I had broken.

Missionaries are to be together with their assigned companion 24 hours a day.

We'd been together. That was the problem.

Avoid being alone with members of the opposite sex.

I'd been alone with a man. Did that make it better or worse?

Do not participate in activities that arouse sexual feelings.

A laugh bubbled up in my throat, bitter and hysterical. I choked it down.

At the chapel, I unlocked the door to the small classroom we sometimes used for companionship study and sat down at the table. Eli sat across from me, pulling out his own scriptures. I openedPreach My Gospelto chapter two, "How Do I Study Effectively and Prepare to Teach?" The irony wasn't lost on me. How could I teach anyone about purity, about the plan of salvation, about eternal families, when I was an abomination?

"We're studying the Law of Chastity today," I said, my voice mechanical.

Eli's head snapped up. "You're joking, right?"

"Chapter six.How Do I Develop Christlike Attributes?Section on virtue." I flipped to the page, my fingers precise. "We need to understand it better. To teach it better."

"Samuel—"