Page 66 of Hell Bent

“He was exactly a weenie,” I said. “I watched him being a weenie. I watched him withyoubeing a weenie. We both agreed he was a weenie.”

“We did not agree,” she said.“Youagreed.”

“Possibly true,” I said. “But you know I was right.”

Ben said, “Who was the weenie?”

“All right,” Alix said. “He was a little bit passive. I can be forceful, though, so that’s probably?—”

“I’ve got news for you,” I said. “It works better if both people are a little forceful. That way you get to fight it out. Bounce off each other. Argue some. Much more interesting. Passionate. Passion’s good.”

“And you know this,” she said, “due to your vast experience with love and marriage.”

“No. I know it due to my vast experience with me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to clean this up and then figure out whether I’ve poisoned my dog.”

Ben said, “Why won’t anybody tell me about the weenie?”

Alix said, “I was engaged, all right? To a very nice man.”

“A man she broke up with,” I supplied. “Because he was a weenie.”

She grabbed her ponytail the way she’d done in Target and went something like,“Aaaaaaaa,”as I said, “Luckily for me. Now get back in bed, would you? I need to come back and ask your advice about whether we should be getting Lexi’s stomach pumped. I have to be comfortable in order to make good decisions, and I can’t be comfortable unlessyou’recomfortable. See, that’s another good thing about two forceful people. You both get to give your opinion. Better results that way.”

“Committees,” Alix said, “are notoriously inefficient.”

“Dictatorships,” I said, “are notoriously difficult to live in. I get to push. You get to push back. Everybody wins. Come on, Ben. Bacteria starts growing on food left out more than a couple of hours, and one mammal with diarrhea is going to be plenty.”

26

PAIN AND SUFFERING

Sebastian

In the car on Tuesday morning, Ben said, “I wish we could bring Lexi.”

I wanted to say, “Well, we can’t.” That was probably for the same reason Ben had said that: because we were both nervous about taking this trip to visit his mom. I couldn’t even tell what Solange thought about us coming, because when I’d called her last night, she’d barely responded. This was a big old trip into the unknown. We’d be there about three hours, but three hours can be a long time.

I thought about it, changed lanes, and said, “I’m sure it’d feel better to have her with you. I’m nervous about this too.”

“I’m not nervous,” Ben said. “She’s my mom. I’m going home. Why would I be nervous? Just if she gets sick again or anything. Lexi.”

“On the other hand,” I said, “better that she gets sick at home than on the plane, even if we were allowed to take her. Imagine our unpopularity.” Which made him smile, at least. I added, “Francine’s taking her out at noon, Callie’s taking her after school, and we’ll be home by seven. Andshe was almost back to normal last night anyway. Lexi’s tough.”

“Except that she’s still farting,” Ben said. “I’ve never smelled farts as bad as that. Why would a dog eat hot sauce anyway?”

“The vet told me on the phone,” I said, “that a dog’s motto is, ‘Might as well eat it. I can always throw it up again later.’ That sounds pretty close.”

“That’s, like, all wrong for evolution,” Ben said. “It doesn’t help survival of the species if you poison yourself by being dumb. You’d think the dogs that survived would be the ones that didn’t eat gross things, but it seems like it’s the opposite.”

“Excellent point,” I said. “Worth researching. You could do that before our flight. Unless you’d rather do your homework instead.”

“Ha,” he said. “That just means you don’t know.”

“You’re right,” I said, scooting around a slow-moving truck. “I’ve never had a dog before. Also, I don’t know everything. Newsflash.”

He said, “You aren’t all that parental, you realize.”

“Makes sense, since I’ve never had a kid living with me before. In what way am I not parental enough?”