Page 119 of Hell Bent

“Portland,” Sebastian said. “For the passports.”

“I have my passport. Why do we have to stop?” Ben’s hair was sticking up more than ever, his shirt was rumpled, and he looked so young and defenseless.

“Because Alix and I don’t have ours,” Sebastian said.

“Man,” Ben said, “how come we can’t justgetthere?”

“Ten minutes,” Sebastian said, then headed out the door while Ben stood first on one foot, then the other.

I said, “Come sit on the couch with me.”

Ben said, “I don’t need to?—”

I said, “We’re not having a talk. I just figure, if I’m going to be on a private jet with a couch, I might as well sit on the couch. Not like that’s going to be coming my way again anytime soon.”

Ben did it, at least, and I said, “This whole weekend feels surreal. Like—jerked back and forth. Roller coaster.” Valerie came over with coffee, and when she’d left, I said, “See? I mean, we had chocolate torte with salted caramel sauce for dessert. I love chocolate torte, not to mention steak and salmon, and now I’m on thiscouch,but … it’s weird, that’s all.”

“I thought we weren’t going to be having a talk,” Ben said.

“We’re not. I’m talking.”

“I have to listen. That makes it a talk unless I, like, ignore you.”

“Ha,” I said. “Possibly true. I will now stare straight ahead and drink my coffee and enjoy my temporary couch, how’s that?”

A minute passed, and Ben said, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling.”

“Yep,” I said.

“Like, I kind of know how Iwillfeel. But right now, nothing seems exactly real.”

“Because it’s not. You’re not in the moment yet. You’re anticipating. Not the same. People make a big deal about how you shouldn’t anticipate, how you should only live in thepresent, but they’re wrong, at least for me. Anticipating is kind of like rehearsing. It gets you ready. Also, I can’t help it.”

“I don’t want to be ready,” Ben said.

“Nope,” I said. “Nobody does.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, but fortunately, that was when Sebastian and the copilot came back on board.

Sebastian, the copilot, and Lexi.

The dog practically tore the leash out of Sebastian’s hands in her rush to get to Ben, her feathery tail going in wild circles and that Golden Retriever smile on her face. His arms went around her, she put her paws on his thighs and bunched her muscles to jump up, and I was laughing, yelling, “Stop! She’s muddy! Don’t let her get on the fancy couch!”

Sebastian was laughing, too, but Ben wasn’t. He slid straight down onto the floor, and Lexi climbed into his lap and started licking his face.Nowhe was laughing, and maybe crying a little, too, his hands and face buried in her fur. Both of them on the floor, wrapped around each other, holding on like there was no letting go.

Some things, dogs do better than people. And Sebastian was quite possibly a genius.

47

GOODBYE

Sebastian

We landed in Vancouver, and Ben got quiet. Holding Lexi’s leash out of the plane, her head pressed into his knee and his hand on her head, and eventually climbing with her into the back of the rental car Harlan had arranged. I drove through the quiet night to the house, feeling the weight settle onto me. No avoiding it now. We were here.

Up the sidewalk to the little house, Ben walking the same way I’d walked out of that shower. Step, step, step. Eyes front, face set. Alix told him quietly, “I’ll take Lexi for a while, OK?”

“OK,” he said, and that was all.

Ben used his key, and we were through the door. No rushing this time. Ben setting his backpack on the floor, hanging up his coat, toeing off his athletic shoes, then hesitating. I said, “I’ll go with you.” He didn’t say anything, just nodded and headed down the hall.