Page 148 of Hell Bent

“Yeah,” Ben said, “but she’s a dog.It’s her job.”

When he was gone, I asked Sebastian, “What were you going to say? Besides that you have belief?”

“Oh.” He looked a little embarrassed. “Just—it’s something, the way this team works. Most teams I’ve played on, it’smore the stars and the little people. The offense and the defense on separate planets, and special teams off there like Pluto.”

“Pluto isn’t a planet anymore,” I said.

“My point,” he said, and ate another forkful of scrambled eggs with smoked salmon. “The Devils are different. It’s the ownership and the coaching, the players they choose, the leadership in the locker room. Brings out the best in people. We probably shouldn’t have won all those games, tell you the truth. We won them on that X factor.”

“And because of you,” I said.

“See,” he said, “it brings out the best in me, too. I’ve always been my own guy. Methodical. I wouldn’t have said I kicked on emotion, but I’ve never kicked this way, so …” He started to fork up another bite and stopped. “I need to talk to you more tonight,” he said, “but I’ve got this inside me, so—I’m pretty sure I’m going to get an offer from the Niners. Probably get a whole lot more than one offer, my new agent says, but I’m thinking about that one. About San Francisco. I could take it. And I need to tell you that.”

I couldn’t breathe. Like yesterday, and not like it at all. Then, my heart had seemed to be in my throat. Now, it had sunk into my stomach. My breakfast was a hot, hard ball down there, and I was holding the edge of the table.

Ben came back.

“I …” I said. “I …” And couldn’t go on. I looked at my plate. It was clean. “I need to get to work. Out of time.” I stood up, pulled the keys from my coat pocket, and turned to go. I needed to get out of here. I needed togo.

“Wait,” Sebastian said. He’d slid out, too, was standing beside me, looking worried. At how I’d taken it, obviously.

“You’ve …” My mouth was dry, even though I’d just drunk two glasses of water and three cups of coffee. It’s hard to get the words out with your mouth as dry as that. “You’re fine,” I said. “You’ve changed your life in all those ways. Responsible for Ben, for Lexi, for Solange. You don’t have to be responsible for me.”

“What?” Sebastian said. “Alix …” He had his hand in his hair, and as bad as I felt, I couldn’t stand that he was feeling that way, when he should be triumphant. “Wait,” he said again. “Let’s talk. We’ll go somewhere and talk.”

“Oh, boy,” Ben said. He’d stood up, too. “You realize that we’re going to be arrested for dine and dash, right? And could you hold the deep conversation until I’m not standing right here?”

“I need to go to work,” I said again.

“You’re coming back home tonight, though,” Sebastian said.

“Yes,” I said. “If you want.” And thought,I can’t stand this.But I knew I could. I’d have to.

“I’ll see you tonight, then,” Sebastian said. He didn’t move to kiss me. He looked grim instead.

“See you then,” I said, and headed out.

58

INFLECTION POINT

Sebastian

I didn’t spend the day crying into my beer. I’d been disappointed before. I’d been disappointed plenty. If there was a hollow place in my stomach, that place was familiar. I watched Alix walk out, paid the check, took a breath, and told Ben, “I need to clean out my locker. Want to go with me?”

“Seriously?”

“Sure. We need to talk anyway.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Maybe you should do it better than you did with Alix, though. What did you even say to her?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

The locker room was busy. It also felt completely different than the 49ers’ locker room had at the end of the season last year, when we’d fallen short in the wild card game. That had been a pretty quiet, businesslike operation. Today, men were joking, laughing, shouting across the room to each other.

Ben stopped a yard inside the door and said, “Wow.”

“It’s just some guys on a football team,” I said. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”