Page 137 of Hell Bent

I said, “I want to believe we have something, too. It’s a little scary, because I haven’t believed in much.”

She stood up, put her hands on my forearms, looked up into my face, and said, “I know that. I get that. And I feel so …” She stopped, waved a helpless hand. “I am bad at having serious conversations. I feel soluckythat I get to meet you now. That I know you now. Do you think maybe we can …”

More hesitation, which was nothing like Alix. I said, “I think we can do just about anything. Look what we’ve already done.”

“Right,” she said. “Then I’m going to stop running, and stop running away, too, and say it. I want to go back to school for electrical engineering. It’s a good two and half years more school, when I could get my Statistics degree in two more quarters at Stanford, and you could think that’s nuts. But I’m good at this stuff, and it’s what I’ve wanted to do. I don’t want to recommend investments to rich people, even though I was pretty good at it. I want tomakesomething. I want tobuildsomething, or at least help. And I don’t want to work sixty hours a week. I can work hard. Iliketo work hard, but I want a life, too. But I wanted to tell you that in the right way.”

“What’s the right way?” I asked. “It’s not a mystery, is it? We’re going out. We want to keep going out, because it’s good. What doesn’t work about that?”

She started talking faster. “I want you to know that I’m not pressuring you. Not suggesting that this has anything to do with you. Who knows? You could end up with another team. We could end up not working out. I get that. Radicalimpermanence. Igetit. But I want to do this. I want to go to school. I want to spend time with my grandmother, and I want to spend time with you while I have you. Otherwise, what do I have? You’re finally around more, and I can’t ever see you? And on twenty-five percent of my days off, I’m lying down with an ice pack or in the ER? No. I want alife.But I don’t want you to misinterpret it or think I’m asking anything of you. I can afford to go to school. I can afford to keep my trailer. I can afford everything. I want to make that clear. But I still wanted to talk with you about it. I wanted you to know.”

54

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Sebastian

Another bus ride the next day, from the Las Vegas airport to the Hilton Lake Las Vegas, which was half an hour from the Strip, for obvious let’s-avoid-distraction-and-PR-catastrophe reasons. Another guy was loping down the aisle and sliding into the seat beside me, too. Kristiansen.

“Let me guess,” I said, turning from my perusal of the local scenery—palm trees, sand-colored buildings, sand-colored rock hardscaping, and plenty of asphalt. Not exactly Vancouver. “You’re here for gambling tips.”

“Gaming,” Harlan said. “They call it ‘gaming’ so it doesn’t sound so much like—well, gambling. No. I was just curious.”

“You mean you’re here to talk about my life again,” I said. “What an enormous surprise. Maybe you should tell me aboutyourlife. Maybe you could usemyadvice. It’s a thought.”

“You want to hear about toilet training?” he asked. “Strange tastes, but OK. We’ve got a potty chair that’s supposed to look like a koala. We’ve got a urinal in the shape of a big-mouth frog that sticks to the wall. It has a propeller init that goes around if you aim right, and you pee in the frog’s mouth. Know how many times I’ve peed in the frog’s mouth to show him how?”

“I don’t want to know,” I said.

“So many times,” he went on, as if I hadn’t spoken. “Know how many timeshe’speed in the frog’s mouth?”

“I’m guessing not too many,” I said.

“Maybe four times,” Harlan said.“Maybe.If we catch him right before he has to go. That kid’s going to be in diapers until he’s nineteen. You know how newborn poop is kind of cute to clean up?”

“No,” I said. “And again, I don’t want to.”

“It’s not nearly as cute at this point,” Harlan said. “And Jennifer says that potty training and diaper duty are all mine once the season’s over, because it’s my turn, and I can hardly argue with that. I’m going to be taking every shit for the next four months with my kid standing next to me and rating my performance. Off-putting as hell. I’m surprised I’m not constipated.”

I stared at him. “Why? Why would you share this?”

He shrugged. “You wanted to talk about my life, so I did. I’m ready to hear your suggestions, too.”

“I have no suggestions. Absolutely no suggestions. In fact, I’m scrubbing my brain of this conversation.”

“Right,” he said. “So how’s Ben holding up? I lost my mom when I was eighteen. I was in college, but it was still plenty rough. I didn’t have to move anywhere, either. That’s a lot.”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s going better, I think. We had a talk. I found a therapist for him, and he has an appointment next week. He’ll have to get there on his own, which isn’t the best, but?—”

“Oh, I don’t know. At fourteen?”

“Almost fifteen. End of March.”

“Yeah,” Harlan said. “See, that’s the good thing about cities. He has some independence. Kids can usually rise to the challenge if they’ve got the foundation for it. Where’s he going to school?”

“He’s not yet. Being tutored, because he didn’t have U.S. resident status for a while. He’s looking up schools now, though, figuring where he wants to go. I’m in a condo, so we don’t have to stay put. He took the initiative on the school thing, which seems like a good sign, and yeah, he had a good foundation. My sister was a good mom. Single mom. The moving thing is a little tricky, though. I’ll probably want to rent, for one thing, since I don’t know where I’ll be next season.”

The blue eyes sharpened. “What’s your contract status?”