Page 122 of Hell Bent

I said, “She’s gone.” Which was what it felt like. Her body was still here, but it was a shell, because she was gone.

Ben didn’t cry. He didn’t say anything. He just sat there.Alix got up and left the room quietly, and I heard soft voices in the kitchen. It would be a different aide now, because it was … I looked at my watch. Four-fifteen.

I said, “People will be coming now. The nurse. The funeral home. You don’t want to be here for that. Let’s walk Lexi.”

“I don’t—” Ben still just sat, and beside him, Lexi whined.

“Lexi has to pee,” I said. “And then eat.”

“Alix said …” Ben stopped, looked at Solange’s still form, then looked back at me. “That dogs give a lot and don’t ask for much, so that’s the one thing you have to do, no matter what else is going on.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “Take care of them, I mean.”

“She’s right.” I stood up, my tired, cramped muscles protesting. “So come on. Let’s go. And—hey.” I turned back to him. “It always feels like this. Bad. Confusing. Exhausting. You aren’t doing this wrong. It’s just how it is. The person you love is here one minute, and the next, they’re gone. And that’s never going to feel right.”

“OK,” Ben said, and got to his feet, stumbling a little. “Come on, Lexi.” At the door, he looked back at his mom. His mouth moved, and I thought I knew what he was saying.

Goodbye.

48

IN THE FROZEN MUD

Alix

It tells you something that I was glad to go to work on Tuesday morning. Foggy, aching, and slow with fatigue, sure, after that night, followed by an absolutely grim visit to a funeral home with a nearly silent Sebastian and no Ben, who walked Lexi at a dog beach instead and, I hoped, breathed in the sea and the sky and the romping dogs and took some comfort from them. After that, a commercial flight home where nobody said much, followed by not the best sleep I’d ever had, and you can imagine that I was relieved to turn my attention to something else for a while. When I got off work, I’d pack a bag and head back to Sebastian’s, but right now, I needed to clear my head.

I hadn’t reckoned with a cold snap that made me feel achier than ever, and like I’d never get warm again, not to mention LouAnn and Royce and every other member of my crew. Every time I got anywhere close, it seemed, somebody was asking about the game, and at this moment, when I was checking the wiring of the fire suppression system on asubstation, LouAnn was asking, “So does Sebastian think they’ll win this week?”

“No idea,” I said, and kept tugging wires. “Not the kind of thing you ask.”

“They won’t win,” Carlton said, wielding a screwdriver to do the delicate work he was, oddly, the best at. “Against the Ravens? They just lost to them a few weeks ago.”

“In overtime,” I found myself saying. “By three points.”

Carlton said, “Trailed the whole game until then, though, and the Ravens ran away with their game last week. Every game the Devils have played lately has been a 50-50 or worse. They’ve overperformed, sure, but sooner or later, reality catches up.”

I said, “You mean you bet against them and lost. Maybe that’s on you.” Then stopped, breathed, and said, “We have a lot to get done here. Let’s get back to work.”

LouAnn said, “I was justasking.”

“And I answered,” I said. “And told you I don’t know.”

Adingfrom my phone, and I pulled off my gloves. Carlton looked at me pointedly, and I ignored him and said, “Hey, Howard. What’s up?”

“Come see me at the office,” he said.

“Be there in five.” I shoved the phone back into my pocket and said, “LouAnn, you’re it until I get back. But everybody had damn well better be working when I do.”

I was pretty sure I heard somebody mutter, “Tightass,” as I walked away, but I didn’t stop to check. I slogged across what felt like acres of concrete and half-frozen mud to the office, opened the trailer door, and said, “You wanted to see me?”

Howard had been bent over a drafting table. Now, he straightened and said, “Yeah. Have a seat.” And frowned.

I did, but I didn’t take off my jacket or hard hat, even though it was warm in here. It seemed like too much trouble.I also didn’t have the bandwidth for whatever this was, yet here we were. I doubted I’d been summoned to hear about my promotion. That wasn’t how this felt.

“OK,” I said. “I’m here. What can I do for you?” A little combative, you’re thinking, but that’s how I was feeling.Just let me get the work done so I can go home,I felt like saying. It was only two, and I still had three long hours to go.

“You put in for more time off,” Howard said.

“Yes.”