Page 159 of Hell Bent

I said, “We have a sort of … eventful day planned here. In fact, we’re going house shopping.”

A long silence at the other end of the phone. “Oh?” she finally managed.

“Yes,” I said.

“Oh,” she said. “How … fun.”

“Hang on a minute.” I headed back to the great room—we needed a place with some separation of spaces—pressed the Mute button, and told Sebastian, “My parents are in town.”

“Oh, no,” Ben said. That was why the Mute button was good. “But we have everything set up.”

“My mother is a surprisingly expert house shopper,” I said, “even though she’s lived in the same house for thirty-five years. She’s always going around with some fabulously wealthy and clueless client, is why. She’ll find all the mold and drainage issues and notice that the gutters need replacing.She’ll pull up the rugs and check the condition of the floors and tell you the cost to fix everything. She’ll look in every basement and every outbuilding, and she recognizes the smell of mice. The woman isnotswayed by window dressing. We don’t have to invite them along, but they’re only here for the day, so …”

Sebastian said, “It’s fine.” Ben opened his mouth, and Sebastian said, “I don’t know one single thing about buying a house. We can use the help. And it’ll be good for us to spend time with Alix’s family, too. We’ve only seen them once, and she didn’t hatch, you know. She’s a person.”

I pushed the Mute button again and said, “Mom? Do you think you and Dad could come with us? We could use your help. Neither of us is very experienced at house shopping.”

“Of course,” she said, back in her happy place.

“Great,” I said. “I’ll give you the address of the first house, and you can meet us there.”

Two hours later, we pulled up outside our fourth house, and my parents pulled up behind us. Not far from the Pearl District, in the hills near Washington Park. It was a beautiful area, and was zoned for one of the public schools Ben liked best, but …

“It’s so interesting, Sebastian,” my mother said, coming to join us as the realtor waited at the front door, “that you like these older homes better. I find that my clients prefer newly built homes, at least if their wealth is recently acquired.” In other words, “If they’re nouveau riche and have no taste.”

“But then,” Sebastian said gravely, “Alix is a princess.”

Ben said, “We looked at all new houses last week. Suburban houses, down near where Harlan Kristiansen lives, because that has good schools, too. His sister Annabelle says it’s kind of snobby, though, because everybody’s rich, and anyway, it was boring.”

“Which part?” my dad asked. “The houses, or the area?”

“Both,” Ben said.

“It was,” Sebastian agreed. “Ben and I are city people.” He surveyed the current house, which was up a fairly impressive flight of stairs. “I’m not sure we’re castle people, though, despite Alix’s princesshood.”

Ben said, “We can look, I guess, since we’re here.”

When we got inside, I saw what Sebastian meant. I saw it more when the realtor said brightly, “Such a lovely home, and so historic. Over ten thousand square feet. Seven bedrooms and eight bathrooms, so you have space for absolutely everything. A game room, a home theater, a gym, entertaining in themostlavish style … and just look how beautifully it’s been restored. Come see the kitchen. The heart of the home.”

“Very nice,” my mother said, when we were standing in your basic operating room. Shiny white cabinets, gray countertops, gray floors. “Gaggenau appliances, I see. Very stylish, and they’ve mounted the dishwasher higher so you don’t have to bend. The only dishwasher brand that allows that, and it makes so much sense.”

“The primary bath and closet are done in the same materials,” the realtor said. “So sleek and modern, and room for your entire wardrobe.” Ha. Room for twelve wardrobes, if you were me. “And with three stories plus the finished basement, you won’t be on top of each other.”

“I’ll say,” I muttered.

My mother was flipping through the disclosures, saying, “New HVAC, new electrical, new plumbing, new roof, clear pest report … there’s not much wrong here.”

I didn’t say anything, because I couldn’t be the decider on this. Ben said, “It has a little bit of lawn, at least. Not enough for Lexi to really run, but I guess she could poop there.”

Sebastian looked at me and said, “Give me your opinion. You aren’t doing it, and it’s driving me nuts. I told you, I’ve never lived in a house.”

“You really want to know?” I asked.

“Are you kidding? You’re part of this deal. Of course I really want to know.”

“So do I,” Ben said, “because so far, I’ve hated all of them. Man, I thought buying a house would be cool.”

My mother said, “You’ll be living here too, I take it, Alix?”