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The Day before Valentine’s Day

“ B ut I don’t want to go.” Shaking his head and inhaling so deeply that his shoulders involuntarily scrunched up just under his ears, his mouth was moving before his brain was even close to catching up.

“And before you say it… Yes, I know I sound like a whining child, but I can’t help it,” he ground out the last words through gritted teeth.

Turning away from the window, he was close to pleading, something he hadn’t done in centuries, and still couldn’t have cared less as he begged, “Can’t you just tell them I’m not feeling well?

How about I have a fever? I threw up all over your shoes?

I have the measles? The mumps? Smallpox? Chickenpox? Monkeypox? Elephantpox?”

“Elephantpox?” His Cousin snorted with barely contained laughter. “What the hell are monkeypox? Is that even a real thing?”

“Of course, it is. At least, I think…”

“Don’t even try it, Bud.” Shaking his head, Pat leveled his gaze, arched his right eyebrow, and leveled his glare. “Come on. You’re an Omnipotent Being, Hop. You can’t get sick… And they know that because...”

“Because they are also Omnipotent Beings. Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

“Yes, exactly. See, that’s why…”

“Okay, then tell them I was called away to Dreki Island for an emergency. Remember you can’t tell them what the emergency is because they don’t know that Dreki is anything but my ‘happy place’.

” Nodding hopefully, he quickly added, “But tell them I am away, and you don’t know when I’ll be back.

Make my apologies with all your overwhelming grace and charm.

You’re so good at that. I mean, you’re the best of all of us. ”

“And you can stop with the buttering up. It’s not gonna work.

” Looking over the rim of his coffee mug as he took a sip, Pat’s lavender eyes swirled with the Magic of the universe.

Lowering the cup, he slowly shook his head.

“Look, Hopper, you know I can’t do any of that.

The only reason Desi is havin’ this party is to get you and Hel together once and for all.

Valentine’s Day is just an excuse. If you miss this party, not only will she be pissed, but she’ll double down, and you and your lovely Mate will never have a moment’s peace. ”

“Yeah, well it’s stupid. The whole damn thing is just arggggggh , nuts.”

“Not your best comeback, but I’ll let it go… this time.”

“Thanks,” Hopper grumbled. “Just thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Pat snickered. “And as I was saying, if Desi could’ve come up with another plausible reason to throw a massive party before now–one she believed would hide her true intent–she would’ve used that.

I know she threw around the idea of a National Bean Day and Chili Cook Off Soiree.

It looked like that was what she was going with until she visited Charity. ”

“Oh, great, what did Cousin Chari have to say?”

Chuckling with so much hilarity that it took him three times to get started, Pat finally said, “Well, Charity explained that many of the gods and goddesses she would be inviting still possess very humanlike bodies, and when those humanlike bodies are pumped full of certain foods, i.e. beans, the results can be, shall we say, rather odiferous.”

“Oh, my Great Goddess,” Hopper burst out laughing despite the situation and his overwhelming sense of doom lurking just over his left shoulder. “You have got to be kidding.”

“Not even a little bit.”

“Well, shit.”

“Yeah, that’s sorta what they were talkin’ about,” Pat guffawed with such gusto that he bent at the waist and slapped his legs. “I kill me. I really am good at this whole joke thing, aren’t I?”

Giving his cousin a moment to gain his composure, Hopper finally snorted, “Alright, Chucklehead. Yeah, you’re a regular Don Rickles.

” Heaving a sigh that literally moved the hair off his forehead, he continued, “You know you really need to take your comedy show on the road… And leave it there.” When his Cousin’s laughter only got more robust, he sighed, “That’s enough.

Dear God with a capital G, that is more than enough. ”

“Not nearly,” Pat continued to chuckle but was at least standing upright which gave Hopper hope that his Cousin was winding down.

“Well, can you get it together for now and help me come up with a way out of going to this damned party?”

“No can do. Desi waited as long as she’s going to wait.

We made it to February, and she’s finally recovered from the holidays.

Yes, to you and me, the whole thing seems a little on the nose, but our dear Cousin is using this poorly veiled attempt to play Cupid for you and your Fated Mate, and you are gonna show up with a smile on your face and a spring in your step. ”

“But…”

“Ack!” Pat waggled his finger. “No. You are gonna do it even if it means you have to call the Pink Pixies of Pomodoro for some ‘Happy Pomodoro Joy Pomodoro Pixie Dust.”

“Oh, hell no!” Hopper adamantly objected. “That shit will have me laughing my ass off for three days. I’ve seen what those little Pink Demons are capable of, and I am not going there. Ya’ hear me?”

“I hear you,” Pat immediately answered with an undeniable smirk on his face. “Desi planned this party for you and Hel to get with the Mating, and you are going to be there, Amigo.”

“Yeah, I know why she’s having the party. I am also well aware that ‘our dear Cousin’ thinks I am completely clueless. She thinks that I have no idea why she is havin’ this party, and that Hel and I need her help.”

“She does not think you are clueless, Hop. You know it’s not that at all.

She hasn’t even gotten that far in her thought process.

Desi has simply always thought she was smarter and sneakier than all of us combined.

Remember when she threw Charity a surprise party for her ten-thousandth birthday?

There were flyers plastered all over every Mansion, Castle and humble adobe in every Realm, and she still thought it would be a surprise. ”

“Oh, yeah,” Hop snorted half a chuckle. “I saw them all and heard about it from everybody I ran into. Poor Chari, she should’ve won an Academy Award for her performance.”

“If Academy Awards existed all the way back then.”

“Oh, crap,” he snickered. “You’re right.”

“Usually am.”

“Smart ass.”

“Usually,” Pat barked with laughter. Inhaling deeply, he almost immediately schooled his features. “But seriously, Hop, if you don’t go to this red, pink, and white soiree, Destiny is gonna lose her ever-lovin’ mind. And if Desi…”

Holding up his hand, the Omnipotent Being known as Hope interrupted his cousin for at least the hundredth time.

“I know. I know. The Great Goddess knows that I know that if our dear Cousin loses her ever-lovin’ mind, then we all get to go crazy right along with her.

" Grumbling and grinding his teeth, Hopper searched for all the hard-fought-for uplifting emotions he ever had even as he felt them draining from his body at a high rate of speed with each passing second.

“Yep, that’s right,” Pat picked up as soon as Hopper stopped.

“We lose all our marbles right along with everybody else in the whole universe. All the little fishies in the deep blue sea, all the creepy crawlies creepin’ and crawlin’ everywhere under all the rocks, stones, and pebbles…

” Taking a quick inhale even though he didn’t need to breathe to live or speak or do anything, he kept right on going.

“And let us not forget, all the Others, Supernaturals, Paranormals, and all the Magical and non-Magical folk in all walks of life. Most of all, we have to think about all humans and all their… Well… I mean, like I said before, all the everybodys everywhere , even if they technically do not have a body or a mind, will be driven absolutely nuckin’ futs if the Being in charge of Destiny–the hidden Power that already knows all the large and small decisions each living being will make, you know, all of them , big, small, significant, and insignificant–yeah, those, loses her mind.

If that Being, our Cousin, the dear Lady who helps those very same beings make the decisions that will hopefully get them where they need to be is the One flying over the Cuckoo’s nest then all hell and hootenannies will blow up, explode, implode, and well, shit, simply cease to exist. I know it sucks, but their welfare is and always has been the responsibility of The Powers That Be and that be us, Cuz. Sooooooo, maybe you should…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to play nice and not make our Cousin, the Omnipotent Being known as Destiny, go all Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

“I never said she would go all…”

“Potato, po tah to,” Hopper huffed. “One person’s flying over the Cuckoo’s nest is another’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

“Okay, we’re gonna have to agree to disagree on that one. And let me make one thing very clear, if the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ remark ever somehow makes its way back to Desi, I will deny hearing it, or ever even being a part of this conversation. You get me?”

“I got you.”

“I also must make it very clear that I seriously do not believe Desi would ever do anything even close to… to… Well, you know I hate horror movies, and therefore, have no clue what really happened after that poor man was hung on a meat hook, however, you most definitely know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do know what you mean, and as for agreeing to disagree, it's a deal, but that’s not the point I was tryin’ to make.”

“Oh, okay, what is the point you were trying to make?”