Page 23

Chapter Eleven

“ O kay, the last batch of biscuits is in the oven. We have about nine minutes before…”

“Nine minutes? Nine whole minutes?! Five-hundred-and-forty seconds?” Flipping his hands open with the palms up, he bounced them in time with every syllable. “Seriously? Nine minutes? Like only one less than…?”

“Ten? Yes, that’s good. Hopper,” Pat patronized with smirk. “You know how to count. I am so…”

Holding up his hand to stop his Cousin, Hopper huffed, “Can’t you just Magick those wonderfully golden pillows of awesomeness into existence?

Just stop with all this…” Waving his hands over the cluttered, flour-covered countertop, he griped, “…Betty Crocker mumbo jumbo. Snap those fingers, wiggle that nose, or do a little dance and let’s get down right now with those biscuits. Pat. Come on, help a brother out.”

“Nope. No can do.”

“But why?” Hopper unashamedly whined, not caring that he would be teased mercilessly for his behavior.

Adding a little oomph to his tone and nodding with the hopes that he was close to convincing his Cousin to do as he wished, the Omnipotent Being known as Hope pleaded, “Come on, Pat. You are an awesome cook. I mean, your biscuits are so frikkin’ good.

Like the best I’ve ever tasted. I neeeeeeed more of them now.

They are the only thing that’s gonna make me feel better. ”

Rubbing his stomach and making a pouty face, he immediately knew the ‘sad boy’ routine wasn’t working by the annoyed look on his Cousin’s face. Switching gears, he tried self-deprecation. “I know I’ve been a pain in your butt and given you a lot of shit over the years, but…”

“More than a lot.”

Stopping short, he gave a single, sharp nod then adamantly agreed, “Yeah, okay, fair…” Nodding, he blew out an exasperated breath and ran his fingers through the messy curls atop his head.

Then it hit him. He was still being a huge baby. What the hell? Had Dionysus’s hooch fried his brain? Had that Magical, Mystical elixir of the gods rewired his synapses and left him a blithering idiot?

That had to be it. It was the only explanation. As a matter of fact, it was his story, and he was sticking to it. Shaking his head, he snorted a chuckled and shrugged.

Then grinning at precisely the same moment that his Cousin gave him a wide-eyed glare with a tilt of his head, he freely admitted, “You hit the nail on the head, Cuz. I’ve given you more than a lot of shit over the years, but seriously, I speak the God with a capital G honest truth when I say that you make the best biscuits I have ever tasted.

And I spent that all those wonderful years in South Texas where those fine and wonderful ladies made theirs over an open fire in an iron skillet.

They were heaven sent. So, I know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, and yours are right up there.”

“Thank you, kind sir.” Nodding, Pat smiled. “Now, enough of your stalling.” Pointing at the elegantly embossed invitation, covered in flour, still laying on the counter, he asked, “Any ideas?”

“No,” Hopper flatly stated. “And for your information, I wasn’t stalling.

I truly love your biscuits. You know I do.

It also doesn’t hurt that all that flour, creamy butter and tart buttermilk mixed together and baked to perfection soaks up the massive amount of Dionysus’s Special Brew sitting like a rock in the pit of my stomach. ”

“That’s all on you, Cuz. I told you to…”

“Yep. I remember. You told me to slow down about a hundred times.”

“Mhm.”

“And that’s enough of that hum of recrimination,” Hopper snapped, adding a point of his finger for emphasis. “You were right there with me.”

“But I stopped after we drained the third bottle.” Shaking his head as a knowing smile curled the corners of his mouth, the Omnipotent Being known as Patience, countered, “And you are stalling… You don’t want to talk about the party that you know…”

“Don’t say it.” Holding up his hands in mock surrender, Hopper pushed at the air between them. “Don’t even put that thought out into the universe. We don’t know that it’s…”

“Oh, yes, we do. And you need a plan.”

“From the pep in your tone and the gleam in your eye, I’m guessin’ you’re already scheming.”

“I wouldn’t call it scheming.” Pat pretended to be offended for about half a second, then added with wink, “It’s more like brewing.” He nodded. “Yes, something is brewing.”

“Should I be afraid?”

“No,” Pat snorted. “Not at all. I was just thinking as I was out here…”

“Ripping through my kitchen like the Tasmanian Devil? Trying to tear the cabinets doors off their hinges?”

“I was not ripping , nor am I now or have I ever been a Tasmanian Devil. As for your cabinet doors… Well, as the humans say, I’m takin’ the fifth.

” Then with a wave of his right hand that would’ve made Vanna White jealous and a smile that rivaled any movie stars’, Pat didn’t miss a beat as he continued.

“You, my dear Cousin, have no organizational skills whatsoever. I knew this but had never truly experienced the chaos that is your logic until now. The Dutch oven and sauce pans are where the glasses should be. The iron skillet is in the drawer meant for silverware. Baking pans are where the plates should be, and I still have no clue if you even have any plates that aren’t paper.

” Pushing out a loud, extremely exaggerated huff, he added, “And where in all that’s holy are the wooden spoons, spatulas, pancake turners and all the other utensils any normal person has. I just…”

“You don’t get it.” Hopper nodded. “Neither do I, but then again, I don’t cook.” Holding up the index finger of his left hand, he plastered on a goofy smile and teased, “However, I should win awards from my finesse with ordering takeout. I’m freaking amazing, if I do say so myself.”

“And you did.” Once again pointing to the invitation expertly decorated with tasteful flourishes and breathtaking flowers, he maintained, “As I was saying, I have given this a lot of thought, and I think we need to do something different.”

“With regards to the umpteenth party the Dynamic Duo of Fate and Destiny have planned to unite Hel and I?”

“Yep. That.”

“Okay, but…”

“Hear me out.”

“I’m listening, but…”

“Reserving judgement?”

“As always.”

“Okay, Cuz,” Pat winked. “I’m thinkin’ that we…

” He motioned between them with the index finger of his left hand.

“… just be upfront about it.” Shrugging, he let his shoulders drop then repeatedly lifting one and then the other in a silly kind of dance, he just went for it.

“Be ballsy and as brazen as you please. We throw caution to the wind, call up Desi and ask her what’s what? ”

“A full-frontal assault?”

“Yes! Exactly!” Holding up the first two fingers on his right hand, he pointed them at his eyes then at Hopper’s. “You’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, and I love it.”

“And I’m cancelling your subscription to Netflix and Hulu.

Also, y’all never miss the ones on Ghougle, the Paranormal Dark Web.

Don’t think I don’t know that you, Desi, and Fate have been watching all the Vamp Telenovelas on Biteflix.

Not to mention, the cop shows on PixiePic+, the medical dramas on CBO Max-Coven Box Office, and those silly ass space dramas on Starburst Prime.

” Rolling his eyes and blowing out what felt like the hundredth infuriated breath of the morning, he kept right on going.

“I knew it was gonna be trouble when you and the ‘girls’ pushed Auntie Universe into the whole world wide web thing. It took less time to get all those streaming services up and running than for the Celtic goddess and Earth Mother of the harvest, Banbha to grow a good crop of sweet corn.”

“If you’d just give it a try, you would love it.”

Holding up his hands in surrender, Hopper frantically shook his head until his Cousin’s laughter was filling the kitchen, he added, “Reality TV, especially the shows on FUBARTv, look like an unscheduled trip to Hell after Lucifer’s had the weekend off and somebody let the Khaos Demons out to play.

” Dizzy from all the back and forth, Hopper brought his head to a screeching halt and kept right on going.

“I mean, okay, so I get the baking shows.” Nodding emphatically, he pointed to the oven.

“Auntie Uni knows how much I appreciate your love of them, more specifically the results of you watching them.”

“Indeed.”

Stopping his nod before that too made him nauseous, Hopper’s hands got in on the conversation.

With both index fingers pointing upward, he wiggled them left then right toward the picture window in the breakfast nook.

“But I will never understand walking around naked in the woods with no food or shelter just for shits and giggles. And I have to ask, how in the world did all those poor humans think that Prince Harry would be on a dating show. And…”

“And why they freely choose to be filmed and have their issues aired for all the world to see?”

“Yes! How did you know?”

“Oh, let’s just say you’ve mentioned it a time or two before.”

“Make that more like two million,” A familiar, yet disembodied, voice added with a chuckle. “You seriously need to get on the reality tv train, Cuz. We’re all there and lovin’ every minute.”

“Even Faye?” Hopper gasped.

Head snapping to the right, he locked eyes with the one and only Destiny.

There she was, at least from the shoulders up, in all her 4HD technicolor glory on a Magical screen of her own conjuring.

Never let it be said that the Omnipotent Brings, those known as the Virtues, didn’t have style, class, and a hole heapin’ load of panache.

“Well, no,” Desi, aka the Omnipotent Being known as Destiny laughed coyly as the image of her smiling face floated from the far side of the room to just over the island.

“She was. However, right now, she’s… Well, let’s just say that she’s been a little busy since she and Arawn made the whole Mating thing official. ”