Page 60 of Heavy

“Yeah?” I ask, not really wanting that. I’ve never felt competitive, or the need to be better than my bigger brother. I want to be his equal.

“I do. When he goes away to college, I’ll make sure to fill in the space he leaves empty.” His smile is so genuine, and I can’t help but give him one back.

“I would love that, Uncle T.”

He chuckles. “You’ll have to help me watch my mouth. Sometimes it can run amuck.”

The glass door opens, and he stands up in front of me. I’m not entirely sure why but he doesn’t step away from me. I don’t think much of it because my brother told me that it just happens and it’s a ‘man’ thing. I just wish he wouldn’t have been so close so I could see it against the zipper of his jeans.

It's fine, he probably didn’t know.

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” my dad calls, which pulls my uncle from standing in front of me.

Maybe it won’t be so bad that Eamon is going off to college and leaving me. I’ll be fine.

AGE 10

It’s been three weeks since Eamon went off to college, and I miss him. My mom was worried already before he left how it would affect me, and now she’s talking about having me talk with someone because I barely eat. I’ve tried to, but it just doesn’t feel the same without him at the dinner table.

School has been hard to focus on, and I feel like I’m letting them down. I know I need to do better, not just for myself, but for my big brother. He wouldn’t want me to fall behind, and he promised he’d call whenever he could.

It’s Sunday so my uncle and their friends are over for the football game. They’re loud, but that’s to be expected, this is how it always is on game days. My mom drinks a bottle of wine, and I stay upstairs playing on my Sega in my room.

When I hear a knock at my door, I look up at the window. The sun is still out which means the game isn’t over.

“Who is it?” I ask, pausing the game and getting to my knees from my stomach I’d been laying on.

The door opens and my uncle walks in. I smile and put down my controller.

“Hey, kid, what are you doing up here alone?”

“Playing games.” I sigh, and look down at my fingers, fiddling with the string of my pajama pants. I’d been in them all day, mom likes to call it ‘lazy day’, so no judgements for being in our jammies.

“They said you’ve been taking your brother leaving for college really hard.” He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. As I lift my chin, he’s looking around. My room is a mixture of my big brother’s stuff and my own. I have a goldfish, and nearly every inch of my wall is covered in superhero posters. There are a few bands here and there, but mostly Batman and the Fantastic Four.

“Are you who they want me to talk to, Uncle T?” I ask, which draws his attention back to me. “Mom says I will become sick and is worried about me.”

“We all are.” His tone is gentle, dropping it lower as though whispering. “They did ask me to help you, but I’m not the one they want you to talk to. That’s someone else, a therapist.”

I get up off my knees and stand before him as he steps in front of me. He lifts my chin higher, giving me that warm smile he’s always had for me, ever since I can remember.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, honestly. Everything just feels…”

“Empty?” He places his hand onto my cheek. “I remember your dad going off to school, it was hard.”

Swallowing, I nod. “Yeah, I don’t really… know how to handle it.”

He moves his hand to my shoulder and turns me toward my bed where he has me sit, then settles next to me. I’ve never felt uncomfortable around my uncle, but I do the moment his hand rests on my leg. I’m not entirely sure but it just feels wrong, and I can’t quite figure out why. It’s what keeps me quiet and not asking him to move.

He would never do anything to hurt me.

Right?

“Your mom and dad wanted me to do what I can to help. You trust me, right?” I’ve always trusted my uncle. He has the same brown eyes as my dad, and he’s always watched out for me. When I look at him, I see family—and that’s what we are.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Good, and Ronan, this is a special kind of help that you can’t tell anyone about. Your mom and dad also trusted me with you.”