Page 87 of Gates of Tartarus

Deo and Lachy are sitting together on myfucking couch! Like, justsitting there. Like they belong, like they’ve done this together a hundred times before. Their low voices are indecipherable, meaning that they’re making an effort not to be heard, because the cabin is tiny. I shuffle my feet uncomfortably, and matching, amused gazes meet my uncomfortable one.

“Ummm... guys. Not that I don’t appreciate this, as completely weird as it is, and you know I like you both, but this is my only time off this year and…” Trying not to sound as desperately lost as I feel, I stumble through my explanation. “I really need this time without my shields up... I mean, Ireallyneed it. So….”

“No problem, Kai,” Lachy rumbles.

I sigh in relief.Cool. They understand and are... Why are they turning on the TV?

Lachy turns back to Hideo, saying, “‘White Christmas’ is already cued up. So that’s first, I guess.”

Hideo shrugs in agreement. “Great. I’ve always wanted to see that. Bing Crosby, I think.”

“Okay, seriously guys... wait, Deo, you’veneverseen ‘White Christmas’? Never mind, never mind. I need you to leave, is what I’m trying to say, without being rude.”

They both nod at me in unison, then look back at the TV.

“GUYS! I want to drop my shields! Short of ‘get the hell out’, how do I get you toleave?”

Hideo glances over his shoulder at me. “We went through this last night, Kai. You can drop your shields around us. You’ve already done it. Nothing’s going to happen.”

I shake my head, anxiety building. “I can’t, Hideo. I really can’t.” Gripping my sleeves tightly in my hands, I wrap my arms around me. I feel completely unlike myself, thrown off balance and unable to regain my footing. Outside this cabin I am one person, a carefully constructed mask behind a massive shield. Every second is spent protecting myself from invasive emotions, trying not to go crazy with an influx of feeling that isn’t mine. I’m constantly vigilant, hyper aware of any cracks in my walls. The only place I can ever be even close to myself is in this cabin, as far from other people as possible, without going completely off the grid. Even with Gemma I have to be on guard, although her unique ability lets me relax at least slightly. And now these two are justsitting on my couchandwon’t leave! Spots appear in front of my eyes, and I realize I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.

Lachy’s head snaps around, and he pushes off the couch to come towards me, walking slowly with his hands out like he’s approaching a wild animal.

“Shhhh now, Cher. You’re safe. We wouldneverdo anything to hurt you. If we promise you that nothing is going to happen when you lower your shields, that’s gold. You can take it to the bank.”

Eyes wide with panic and nostrils flared, I shake my head frantically.

“Ican’t, Lachy!”

His rough, warm hands engulf one of my hands, as a pair of cool, smooth hands takes my other. Hideo had come to stand with us, and I hadn’t even noticed. Lachy recaptures my eyes, lifts a huge hand to cup my cheek softly and says, “Just try, Suge. Just try.”

Helplessly I feel myself begin to give way. I’m tired, lonely, hungover, and just want some peace. Maybe if I let them down just enough, the guys will realize that they can’t stay and will finally leave me alone. Too exhausted from all that has happened in the past few hours to inch my shields down bit by bit, they slip my grasp and crash around me as foreign feelings push in and then pull back out. Lachy’s emotions feel just like him – warm, sunny, and happy. They don’t overwhelm me as much as I thought, just kind of swirl into a spot low in my stomach and settle there, like smoldering coals rather than a burning fire of feeling. They don’t flood me, just stay in that one area, happiness and contentment radiating out, warming me but not smothering me. Hideo’s are more reserved – reigned in as tightly as possible and barely pressing against me. They don’t push into me but instead kind of blanket me from the outside. Cool affection and gentle friendship hover just off my skin, a contrast to Lachy’s more robust warmth. Neither choke me or infiltrate my own emotional plane. Each is present, but clearly distinguishable from my own, and I pause, barely breathing, at the new sensation.

“Alright then?” Lachy asks, concerned, still holding my hand and my face.

Hideo walks back to the couch and sits down, picking up the remote.

“‘White Christmas’?”

I swallow audibly before trying my voice. “‘White Christmas’,” I answer softly, shaking slightly from the gauntlet of the past few minutes, still on edge. Lachy leads me to the couch by Hideo and nudges me to sit. He picks up a fluffy blanket and tucks me in before settling on my other side, satisfaction flaring briefly from him before returning to the steady contentment. While he reaches out to pass me my pain au chocolat and mocha, Deo starts the movie, and I cautiously lean back into the massive pillows. The two men exchange an indecipherable look over the opening credits and settle back on either side of me. As the soundtrack to one of my favorite movies starts to play, I can’t help but wonder what is going on in this moment and what it means for my future.

???

It takes more than half the movie for me to completely relax, and, even then, every few minutes panic courses through me, and I have to actively battle against my instinctual need to throw up my shields. Hideo and Lachy keep up a running commentary through the movie, more to distract me, I think, than anything else.

“Why wouldn’t that guy just tell her he liked her and what he was doing?” Hideo mutters under his breath at one point. “Totally unrealistic. It’s obvious she’s interested in him…”

“Oh yeah,” Lachy chortles. “Totally unrealistic for a guy to not tell a girl he likes that he’s interested. Never see that happen…”

Lachy grins at Hideo, who initially looks annoyed before shaking his head slightly and laughing back. I’m too focused on my six-step breathing and attempts to stay calm to pay much attention to them. Idonotice, however, that at some point a weird friendship has been struck up between them. It makes sense – Lachy and Deo are two of my closest friends – but it still feels strange in a way. Like they had come to an agreement that I don’t understand. We make it through “White Christmas” and “Holiday Inn”, but as the second movie ends, my stomach growls loudly.

“Okay… well… it’s been... thanks for the breakfast. SO… I’ll see you later? I guess?”

The two men exchange a glance, apparently holding an entire conversation in their newly discovered, secret bro-code, because Lachy gently pulls me back down onto the couch as Hideo reaches for his phone.

“Does DoorDash even operate out here?” he asks.

“Not usually,” rumbles Lachy. “But if you put in an order at one of the local places, they’ll deliver for a small surcharge.”