Page 124 of Gates of Tartarus

I shake my head, breath coming in short, stuttered gasps. “It was you, and Deo... and Gemm… That’s all I’ve ever had!” I gulp convulsively, trying to continue. “And now... I can’t… This is a bad idea, it’s a bad idea…”

Pressing my hands to my eyes, I try to breathe through the panic. Waves of concern wash over me from Jonah and Lachy, swirling into my own panic, fueling my worry, but Walker’s brusque voice cuts through the chaos, his energy wry and tinged with frustration that confuses me.

“Kai,” he says sharply, though not unkindly. “Trust me that I’d love to tell you these twoaren’t dependable, or that they’re going to fuck off at some point. I wouldloveto say that, honestly, because it would mean I have less competition. And I’m fucking lazy, so it would mean less work on my part. Not–” he holds up a hand to stop protests from the other two, “that you’re not worth it. But I’ve just never had to work that hard to get a gir... crap. That doesn’t come across the way I want it to. I’ll put in the effort,” he says gruffly, directed more at the guys than at me. “Christ. The point I was trying to make is that anyone with two eyes could see that Shotridge has been half in love with you since the two of you met.”

I expect Jonah to protest or make some sound of disagreement, but he just says, “Truth!” so confidently and happily it teases the edge of a smile from my unwilling lips.

“And this guy,” he jerks his head towards Lachy, “no one in their right mind would think that he’d be anything other than 100% with you. You’re like fucking puzzle pieces that snap into place when you’re near each other. He’s like the gatekeeper to the real Kai. Something in you changes when you’re near him. Like you feel safe to be completely yourself, with no walls. And if you’re near him, that’s where he’s centered. So they’re not going anywhere.”

He shrugs self-deprecatingly. “I don’t know what to promise you about me. I haven’t… Things haven’t been that permanent in my life, in general. I’m not used to having a commitment outside of work. I don’t have family – always wanted, like, a brother or something, but… I didn’t learn playground politics when I was a kid. I – it was just me. It’sbeenjust me for a long time. And I’m an ornery fuck. I withdraw into myself when things are hard – I don’t play well with others. I have no idea how to share a fucking girlfriend for Christ’s sake. I don’t even know howtohavea girlfriend. Even the word is weird to me. I’m more of a super,supershort-term type of guy. I love my job. Iammy job. So I can’t promise I’ll always be able to be present for you, if I have to be somewhere else. I’lltry,” he says firmly, clearly speaking to the guys again. “I promise I’ll try. But that’s the reality of who I am. And I’ll tell you if I think you’re wrong, or fight you if you’re being stubborn. I’m not that great at cooking; I’m too competitive; Idefinitelyget jealous…”

As he lists all the things he thinks are wrong with him, I can’t help but smile, the small twist of my lips blooming into a full Cheshire-Cat grin as he continues.

“... kind of OCD about keeping things clean, like the bed made every... What are you being so fucking cute for?” he asks suspiciously, frowning at me.

“Are you trying to convince me to date you, or to not date you?” I reply.

He huffs. “I’m trying to be honest. You already have two boyfriends or whatever. I don’t know. I’m not asking you to make a decision now. I don’t know what these two have worked out between them. They seem to work well together,” he says sarcastically, causing me to blush. “And I may not work that well with others.But –” he looks like a lightbulb has gone off in his mind “... If I’m gone for work and your furnace breaks or something, Mountain Man there could fix it. And if it’s raining, Shotridge can make sure you get to work without risking the morning commute or riding your death trap in the rain. So there’s that.”

“I thought you liked my bike,” I mumble mutinously.

“You look sexy as hell on it,” he replies grudgingly, “but once you wrecked it, I reconsidered.”

“I didn’t wreck it!” I protest. “I laid it down purposefully!”

He shakes his head at me. “Tomato, tomato,” he says. But he says themexactly the same, and I erupt into giggles.

“It’s toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe,” I reply, laughing, panic attack forgotten.

Walker shrugs. “Potato, potato,” he says flatly, just the hint of an upturn to his full lips.

“Poe-tah-toe,” Jonah whispers behind me, smile clear in his voice.

“You’ll all gang up on me. I’ll have to watchso manycar shows,” I tease Walker gently, trying to get a full smile from him.

Walker shakes his head. “Nah. I’m not into car shows.”

“Star Wars?” I ask suspiciously, and he shakes his head again. “Star Trek? Horror movies? Then what?”

And Walker, brusque, tough Walker, blushes. “Ah, I’ve started watching those, um, baking shows you talk about all the time,” he replies under his breath, almost mumbling.

“Which ones?” I ask, delight clear in my voice, and he finally smiles, dimples a mile deep, as Jonah and Lachy groan in unison.

“Like, the Holiday Baking Championship? And, uh… the gingerbread one? Yeah. It’s relaxing or something. I like it.”

“Yes!” I crow victoriously, fist punching the air, and if there’s a small twang in my heart at the thought of not watching them anymore with Gemma, I studiously ignore it. “Someone inmycorner!”

“Wait,” he asks the others, realization dawning, “you twodon’tlike those?” Surprise is clear in his voice, but also a tinge of smugness.

“I can’t understand what they’re saying half the time,” Jonah says defensively.

“Turn on subtitles,” Walker suggests, but Jonah shakes his head.

“Not the accents. The whole creme patissière or creme anglaise or whatever. None of it makes sense.”

Lachy shrugs. “I watch it because Kai likes it, but I don’t have much to say about it. It’s not my first choice.”

Walker looks positively gleeful. “So it’sourthing, then. You and I have athing, Kai.”