Page 139 of Gates of Tartarus

I want to scream, and my whole body is vibrating with the feeling. I’m clenching my teeth so hard it hurts, desperately swallowing hurt and anger and almost unbearable, sickening misery; the interplay between them is so personal, so easy, and it feels like my world is crumbling again and again and again.

Jonah’s hand is wrapped tightly around my own, thumb carefully rubbing small circles on the back of my hand, and I can tell he’s trying to help but doesn’t know how. Walker looks at me though, then snaps out, “Would you two fucking stop it? Or let us in on your secret language or whatever?”

Hideo and Gemma immediately sit up from their back and forth and reflexively look at me, but I am staring at Smith so hard my eyes are watering, almost begging him to reign this in. And God knows how, but he understands and turns to Hideo.

“Explain,” he says shortly, holding up a hand to stall Gemma’s interjections.

Hideo looks sick, face pale, and he keeps flicking his eyes towards me, even as he makes an effort to focus on Smith. “The idea is to have Doll take a piece of artwork to his office this afternoon... We know he’s in today. Just say she’s Kailani’s roommate, that she has a gift, kind of play off her relationship with Kailani to get seen. He’ll understand and appreciate nepotism. She can give him the painting, make a play for the new city art installation going in downtown, and switch out the cord.”

Smith looks doubtful. “That would take some sleight of hand…” he says slowly.

Hideo shrugs, “She can do it,” and when Smith looks at Gemma for confirmation, she nods confidently.

“I absolutely can. I’m good at sleight of hand. And he’ll see me because of Kailani. He clearly needs to stay on her good side. He’ll make the time if he thinks I’ll put in a good word with her.”

Smith thinks for a long time, then sighs. “We don’t have a better option. Try it. And Shotridge? Next time you think of anin, think of theouttoo, so you don’t put people at risk.”

Nodding, Jonah looks suitably abashed next to me, face somber. “Sorry, Smith.”

“Okay, moving on,” Smith says, but I can’t. I physically can’t, so I raise my hand like I’m in school and Smith calls on me.

“I need to be done. Iamdone. I need to go home.”

Smith sighs, shifting through papers in front of him. “I don’t mean to dismiss those feelings, Kai, but can you head to a meditation room just for a couple hours until someone…” Looking up, he locks eyes with me, and sees something, or sees everything, the stitched-together pieces that are straining at the seams, and a heavy, leaden sorrow settles on his shoulders like a shroud. “I’ll take you home, Reed,” he says softly, unexpectedly. “Keep working on this –” he addresses the team, “and I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

Walker glances up from where he’s been furiously typing on his phone. “Just take her to the ferry,” he says shortly. “Lachlainn will pick her up there. He’s already on his way.”

Smith looks surprised. “What? I can take her the whole way…” but Walker cuts him off.

“Nah. I texted Baird like fifteen minutes ago, when Kai started rubbing her head.” He smiles at me softly, so gently his dimples don’t even make an appearance. “I could see you starting to strain. He was already down at the pier so he caught the ferry that was about to leave, and will be waiting for you on this side.”

“You have Baird’s number?” Hideo asks, voice flat, and Walker turns to him, a single brow raised, and waggles his phone mockingly.

“Of course. All of us are on a text chain,” Walker says smugly, and Jonah holds up his phone as well, mirroring Walker.

Jonah glances at his screen which just lit up and says as a quiet aside to Walker, “Lach is braving Red Ginger tonight so Kai can have soup dumplings. You in? Your usual?” and Walker nods as Hideo slumps back into his chair.

“Alright…” Smith says slowly. “I’ll take Kai to the ferry. Doll, get whatever you need to complete your mission. Shotridge, go with her and help her out, since you know where the cord is and what she should look for. Walker? With me for a minute, please. Tanaka?” Hideo is staring straight ahead at the table but nods once. “Just stay with Reed while I grab my things. Don’t…” but he trails off and shakes his head. “I’ll be five minutes, tops.Donovan!” he snaps when Walker seems reluctant to leave, and, with a quick ruffle of my hair, Walker follows him out the door.

Hideo and I stare at the table in silence, alone in the suddenly cavernous room. He swallows, sharp lips pressed in a thin line of misery, then looks up at me, eyes glazed with unshed tears.

“How can I fix things when you won’t evenlookat me?” The words burst out from him unintentionally, and he groans, putting his face in his hands. “I didn’t mean it like that… Christ, nothing isrightright now…”

“I look at you,” I say blankly. I have no room for this in the emptiness inside me. Some things weigh so much, take up so much space, that even the desolation of a barren landscape can’t provide enough expanse for what needs to be built.

“You look through me,” he replies, voice low, almost a whisper. “You look through me. You don’t think I see the way you don’t look at me?” His voice cracks, and he shakes his head, hands trembling. “Please. Just give me a chance, Kai.”

“Hideo,” I begin slowly, and his head jerks up with an unexpected flare of hope when I say his name.

“Yes?” There’s a dream encased in that word, but it’s not a dream I understand.

“There’s nothing left here…” I say slowly, pointing at myself. “Do you... I feel like you don’t understand. You should understand. It’s all chalk drawings right now.”

“What is?” he asks, almost fearfully, and I tilt my head with a gentle, close to sympathetic look.

“Iam,” I reply quietly. “It’s pretty pictures and bright colors, but the moment it rains again, it will be all washed away. I thought you knew. I’m all crumpled paper and broken pieces.” Looking away from him at the sound of Smith’s heavy footsteps approaching from the hallway, I gather my things from the table, then pause and say softly but distinctly, “You can’t fix things when there’s nothing left to fix.”

From the door, Smith calls my name, looking back and forth between Hideo and myself with a worried look, and I drift silently past him, leaving Hideo alone in the room, face buried in his hands.