Page 40 of From Angel to Rogue (Four Foxes #6)

KATY

I woke up with a thunder in my heart and a churn in my gut.

My hands immediately curved over my growing belly and very well, I received two swift kicks, which told me everything was fine with my babies.

I drew in a long, shaky breath, which eased my heartbeat a bit. A glance at the nightstand clock told me it was just shy of two a.m., but it wasn’t like the one in my room.

Instead, it was the little dinosaur clock in Luka’s room. The more I stared at it, the more the events of earlier today came rushing back to me and pain crumbled my heart.

Turning to my side, my gaze softened when they landed on Luka’s sleeping form. He had his cheek nestled on the pillow, his pink lips puckered in a pout, and long lashes fanned over his cheeks as he slept so softly.

Desperate to fill the emptiness in my heart, I had crawled into Luka’s bed last night, mustering a fake smile and lying that Lan wasn’t there to read him his bedtime stories. Instead, he had to tolerate my scary voice but he soon fell asleep curled up beside me.

Something about the lying and pretending was not as easy as it once used to be.

Maybe I was changing.

Maybe I had changed.

I missed Lan.

He was gone for less than a day, but I wanted him right here beside me, trying to fit himself in Luka’s tiny bed while his strong arms held us both like a protective shield.

Maybe I overreacted, maybe I shouldn’t have acted the way I did, maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to leave…

But I felt what I felt.

His insult felt like a punch directly inside my chest. Even now, I knew he didn’t mean it, but it hurt. It hurt too much that it felt like every breath I took was burning my lungs alive.

I don’t even know if they’re mine.

My mind replayed what he said before I could stop myself.

Was that all he thought of me?

Was that what all my Lan thought of me?

In my mind and heart, my babies belonged to Lan, and I thought he felt the same way.

But apparently, he didn’t.

All these years together, the trust we built and the kind of love we shared all ended up being questioned right at this moment.

Everything I did, every lie I told, and every moment leading up to now was only because of one reason.

Him.

I did it all in the name of our love; that was my most honest truth.

I sighed, scooting closer to Luka as I snuggled into his warmth.

My body relaxed when he cuddled closer to me and I didn’t know how long I just laid there when a sharp ache split my head in half.

It was so blinding and intense that a gasp left my lips.

Spots crowded my vision, and flashing images flooded my brain, like an unedited movie, so dissonant and jarring that none of it made any sense.

The images kept filtering and filtering through—blurry neon lights, fake giggles, the smell of alcohol and sweet lemons, and… and the pain, so brutal and fresh, and that voice inside my head that kept mocking and mocking me.

The images folded in line, one after the other, and I knew, I just knew.

I knew exactly what happened to me that night.

It wasn’t a random night I went out to party. It was the sixth-year anniversary of the day I found out I could never have children.

And it all came back to me.

I finally remembered what had happened to me that night.

I happened to me that night.

I lost myself so much that I disassociated as someone.

Almost as if the voice inside my head took form, forcing me to see the ugliness I created.

Maybe deep inside, I had always been there. And that girl said enough was enough and wanted out and forced the empty shell of a Katy to see how pathetic her life had become after she spoon-fed herself poison for years.

In a way, it was I who recognized that I needed to stop.

And everything did change after that night.

It wasn’t someone else who woke me up from my nightmare. It was me.

That night…

“Angel, should I come pick you up later?” Lan buried his face in my neck, hugging me from behind.

“No, Lan. I’ll be fine.” I forced a steady tone while my insides felt like dying. The pain was like a thousand stings of a bee piercing my organs over and over again. I couldn’t wait to get numb to it all away tonight.

But I knew no amount of alcohol or drugs was going to soothe the searing pain of today.

I hated today.

I hated what this day represented.

I hated that only I knew the reason I would happily lie in a casket I built for myself than do anything else today.

But I had to smile. I had to paint my lips red. I had to wear the new shiny couture.

I had to pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend that I was fine.

I am fine, I whispered to the girl with dead green eyes, her long legs accentuated by her spiky Louboutin pumps and her pink Versace cocktail dress tight over her lean, skinny frame, staring back at me from the full-length mirror.

She looked like the Katy Evans they pictured with her famous boyfriend, Landon Greige. Her loyal boyfriend who worshipped the lying pretender.

“Okay.” Lan tilted my chin and brushed his lips against mine. His kiss brought a tiny flare of life to beat my broken heart alive, but even that was gone when we parted. “Jon is in town tonight; we’re going on a ride.”

“This late?” I couldn’t stop the concern from my voice. Yes, I hated everything in my life, including myself, but I loved Lan with every last cell of my being. If anything happened to him, then I would really die.

“Yes, angel.” Lan smiled, twisting me to face him.

My palms cradled his stubble-covered cheeks. “Be careful, Lan. I love you too much to lose you too.”

“Lose me too?” He raised a brow, but he didn’t wait for my answer as he captured my lips in another kiss. For brief seconds, my worries fled as I kissed him back.

“You be careful too, angel. Call me anytime if you need anything.”

And with that, he got on his bike and swerved off our driveway, and I waved goodbye, praying to whatever God was hearing me to keep him safe tonight.

The echo of his earlier question boomed inside my head like the jarring speakers at a cheap nightclub.

Yes, Lan, I lost something.

Something on this very day six years ago.

Something so precious to me.

Something I could never get back.

Did I even lose it? Because I never had it…I wasn’t capable of it.

How pathetic, Katy.

It was six years ago, yet the pain was still fresh like a bleeding wound from a high-impact crash.

And this night out would be the perfect opportunity to numb some of that pain.

Soon, I was riddled with perfume and faking giggles with my so-called friends, who cared more about what they would wear to the Met Gala than me.

Not like I cared for them either. Being with them was just an excuse for me to fit in, an escape.

One drink became two, then three, and then I didn’t keep count.

Everything they said went right in one ear and out the other, but the voice inside my head kept accusing me of the fake that I was.

It became louder and louder as the alcohol flowed in my veins.

I even popped a few of the purple pills that Ava gave me, but the voice wouldn’t leave me alone.

It was screaming at me, louder and louder, chasing around me like a dark shadow, no matter how much I tried to escape.

You are a fake.

The love that you call your rogue boy? The voice leered, laced with disgust. You’ve been lying to him, tricking him when all he’s done was love you. He isn’t going to leave because you can’t have children; he’s going to leave when he sees what a pathetic liar you are.

SHUT UP!

I cupped my hands over my ears. The sounds on the outside and inside my head were splitting my head in half.

I wanted to get the fuck out of here.

I wanted some quiet.

I carried my drunk self to the reception and asked for a room. Barely oriented as the dots of light swamped my vision. Even in this less crowded space, the voice grew louder and louder, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had no clue how a key card appeared in my hand, but it did, and I was ascending somewhere in a mirror box.

The mirror that displayed the fake Katy.

Her red lips smeared, and her eyes glassed.

Her perfect hair all out of place.

Fake.

It felt like the fake Katy in the mirror was sneering at me.

Or maybe it was me.

It looked like me, with fake teeth and evil eyes.

Like a ghost living inside me.

What the fuck was happening to me?

I shook my head frantically, go away.

But the voices won’t stop, and the shadow won’t stop following me.

My shaking hands opened the room door. Even then, they wouldn’t stop chasing me.

Please, go away.

You’re just a fake , the voice whispered. You don’t want to be her anymore. You hate her, yet you still pretend and pretend and pretend.

Please no, I cried.

I curled like a ball in the middle of the bed and sobbed and sobbed.

Feeling so lost and alone.

Somewhere in the middle of that night, I let that shadow control me and set my work phone on a nightstand that took pictures of the fake pathetic Katy.

It was a phone I rarely used, which had a setting to make the caller ID appear as unknown.

I used to contact people in the business. I didn’t want them to know my number.

I was the one who did this to me.

I was the one who tried to wake me up from the cycle of pain.

And I did.

I did wake up.

But did it really matter without him?