Page 14 of From Angel to Rogue (Four Foxes #6)

KATY

I felt like I’d been living in a dark, desolate cloud recently.

Like nothing mattered, or just nothing made sense anymore.

It felt like a weird place to be.

It’d been six months since the Rolling Stones shoot, the day that collapsed the trajectory of my life.

Since then, I poured myself into my job extra hard. Threw away my birth control. Ate extra healthy and tried to fit in.

But nothing changed.

Nothing happened.

I didn’t get pregnant, nor did I get my period.

And it only made me go harder and harder, trying to find ways to distract myself from hopping into the bathroom at every break to pee on a stick.

Yet all the hundred tests told me the same thing. Negative.

It made me have a stupid urge to go back to Umi and get one of her faulty tests just so I could feel that hope and happiness again.

“Eight, baby, don’t forget,” Lan whispered against my jaw, jolting me to reality. “I wish I could just rob you for the entire day.”

It was early morning, and we were naked under the sheets. Lan had just made love to me but was still on top, kissing every inch of my face. I couldn’t even get myself into the moment because my mind kept being carried away by cruel thoughts.

“We can’t,” I answered him. “I have meetings and emails.”

“I thought you said you were going to quit,” he groaned. “That was six months ago.”

“Yeah.” I ran my fingers through his soft waves. “I just love this job more than I should.”

Lan’s narrowed eyes met mine. “You’ve never said that before.”

I shrugged.

I didn’t love it—I loathed it.

Somehow, I blamed it for not giving me what I wanted. But at the same time, I held on to it like it was a tight crutch. Without it, I would be at home, worrying and thinking and breaking my heart every second about how, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get pregnant.

I wanted to share it with Lan, but a shameful part of me didn’t want to tell him.

I knew sometimes it takes years to fall pregnant naturally. But in the back of my mind, I wondered if that was the case for me. Because you can only get pregnant if your system works and mine seemed to have stopped completely.

Well, I would know today. I was finally going to see the doctor that Umi had suggested months ago. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I would have an answer.

“Gotta go now,” I murmured, slipping out of our warm fort before he could protest.

I heard him sigh loudly. His gaze was pinned on my every move like a security camera.

“I’m the fucking band member,” he shouted as I walked into the closet. “And I feel like you’re busier than me. How is that fair?”

Nothing is fair in life.

“That’s because I keep you boys in order,” I shouted back, picking up a matching Prada suit, navy Jimmy Choo pumps, and my La Perla underwear set.

Somewhere along the way, I’d thrown out my flowery sundresses and daisy dukes. It didn’t seem appropriate. It felt odd— I felt odd among the circle of vultures dressed in expensive clothes and polished jewels.

Maybe Lan appreciated me making an effort as his girlfriend.

I knew his family back home would’ve made him marry a nice boarding school girl with a college degree, impeccable fashion sense, clear skin, and perfect body if I hadn’t come along.

Lan’s family loved me, but still this way, I wouldn’t feel like a stranger anymore whenever they invited me to Twin City. Not like they made me feel otherwise.

Lan reclined lazily, one hand behind his neck, when I stepped out of the closet. Desire ignited my core at his shirtless form with the sheets on his lap, a bit too low on his hips, showing off the delectable ‘V’ and his molten eyes. He was a vision.

But I averted my gaze and headed straight to the bathroom, locking the door to keep him out.

In a way, I couldn’t be in his presence any more than necessary.

It made me question and question whether he deserved me, whether I was doing it all right, or if I would mess it all up. The biggest and the loudest was how the voice inside my head called me out for my weakness in every intimate moment between us.

I spent an hour in the bathroom to don my perfectly pressed suit and carefully paint on my makeup, finishing it up with a few spritzes of my rose-scented perfume and a blue-red matte lip. The latter two being the only things that made me feel more like the girl I used to be.

Lan’s eyes snapped from his phone when I entered the room. He was still in the same position, so casual and cool as if he didn’t have a recording session with the biggest producer in the industry in just an hour.

Oh, what I would do to just rid all my layers and slip into the sheets with him and just have a lazy morning to ourselves. But that wasn’t a luxury I could afford. I had a front to maintain.

“Leaving?” Lan asked solemnly.

“Yes,” I said softer than I intended. I leaned over and gave him the quickest kiss on the cheek. Lan knew very well not to turn it into a full-blown make-out session and ruin my red lipstick. He learned that lesson a few weeks ago.

Sometimes it hurt to pretend the way I did. But I was doing this for him, for us.

“Eight, don’t forget,” he reminded me for what was probably the fiftieth time this week. Knowing Lan, he must have planned a special date. We hadn’t had a date in a long, long while, and I think he’d noticed.

“I know,” I whispered and kissed him one more time because I couldn’t help it.

Waving goodbye, I left for the day—a day that I would never forget for a long, long time.

“Please, take a seat, Ms. Evans.” The nurse ushered, pointing at the comfortable, plush seats opposite an immaculate desk. “Dr. Kenny will be with you in a minute.”

I nodded, taking the chair. My back was pin straight despite the soft cushions beckoning me to slouch comfortably. A few minutes stretched before the doors dashed open, and a tall woman in a doctor’s coat and shiny blond hair walked in.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” she said, lowering herself into the big leather chair opposite me.

“That’s okay,” I muttered.

“I’m Dr. Kenny Brown.” She smiled. “So tell me, Ms. Evans, why are you here to see me today?”

I told her the same story I told the nurse a while ago while she took my blood and wrote them all down in the thick file that also had my previous medical history right there on Dr. Kenny’s desk.

I get that it was important to explain my complaints more than once, especially to the doctor. But I hated repeating my issues over and over again, to the point that it felt like they were a tag attached to my name.

“So you haven’t had a period in six months?”

That’s what I said, I wanted to shout, but instead, I nodded.

“No spotting or discharge?”

“No.”

Her eyes looked up from my file. “How were your cycles before that?”

“I think they were fine. I didn’t bleed a lot, but I always got them.”

For the next minute, she intently studied my file while sparing a few glances my way in acknowledgment.

With a tight smile, she finally set the file aside and met my eyes. “I’m afraid I have some bad news, Ms. Evans,” she said in such a professional tone that I really didn’t feel anything from her statement.

“What do you mean, Dr. Kenny?”

“Your blood reports don’t look very well. I hate to say it since you’re very young, but what you have is primary ovarian insufficiency, a condition that leads to premature ovarian failure.”

Good. That was good. Now, I knew what was wrong with me, so I just needed to fix it. “How can it be treated?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, we cannot.” She flashed me a sad smile. “We can get you on hormones to make you feel comfortable and try IVF when you want to conceive, but it’s only an option, not a solution that can be guaranteed. A natural pregnancy is very likely impossible for you.”

What did she just say?

A low buzz screeched through my ears.

My eyes were fixed on her moving lips but I couldn’t hear a word.

“I can’t get pregnant?” I interrupted.

“Yes, Ms. Evans. I’m sorry.”

I thought I was dead before, but maybe now, I was actually dead.

Because I couldn’t feel a thing.

Was that normal?

Was this even real?

If so, then why did it feel like my soul was elsewhere and I was sitting here wearing someone else’s skin?

Everything she said after that went to deaf ears and I didn’t even have it in me to nod along.

Surprisingly, a steady thank you slipped out of my mouth at the end of the appointment and I exited the clinic with my eyes straight and my spine upright.

Because I didn’t know how to handle this.

I didn’t study or learn how to handle this.

How was I supposed to react?

What was I supposed to do?

I didn’t know…I just didn’t know.

But that didn’t happen, right? It couldn’t be happening. To me.

She just didn’t say I could never get pregnant, did she?

No, that was impossible.