Page 6 of Fragile (Cedar Lakes University #2)

Chapter five

Quinn

There was no way to hide my flustered state a second ago, so I fled with Indie, dragging her into the diner and straight to the restroom just so I didn’t have to listen to Seb get all high and mighty about who I date, especially after what Miles said.

I have a love/hate relationship with how protective Seb is over me, since it’s made my dating life an actual nightmare. Between him and Miles, they scared off my boyfriend senior year of high school before we could even go to prom. Leaving me with the only option of going solo, which I rocked because, duh, I’m amazing company. But that didn’t stop me from doing what I’d planned to do that night with Vance anyway. I told my brother I’d be staying with a friend but ended up going to the hotel room with my boyfriend and giving him my virginity. Considering I knew I’d not get what I wanted with Miles, I just did it. Since then, casual hookups have been scarce, I’ll admit that. Or you know, in the last year…non-existent. But I’m busy and preoccupied a lot of the time, or so I tell myself.

“I swear I talked to him about being all protective, and what’s with Miles trying to have a pissing contest with Hudson?” Indie says with a huff, breaking my spiraling thoughts.

I wave her off, because admitting the truth that I’m more overwhelmed by Miles than annoyed with my brother is easier. Truth is, the fantasy I’ve had since I was five years old played out in my head like a carousel of white, lace, peonies, and Miles kissing me at the end of the aisle. One framed with a flower arch covered in the wildflowers he knows I love so much.

God, I’m such a loser.

“I’ll remind him and maybe withhold sex until he eases up on you.”

I choke on air. “Eww, I don’t need that image, thank you. And it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” she protests. “He promised he would be better, and the first opportunity he gets, he’s still the same. At least Hudson is harmless. Miles, though…” She sighs, then focuses on me. “You need a drink? Or like a pep talk?”

I face the mirror on the wall, staring at my reflection. My cheeks still burn red, my breathing is still heavy, and my hand tingles from where he’d pulled me away from Hudson. “Just…need a second.”

Indie doesn’t push or ask more questions, and I’m grateful because I need to calm down first. I busy my hands and wash them, smelling the vanilla soap, rubbing the suds into my skin, and watching them disappear down the drain. Taking one more deep breath, I school my emotions again. “Okay, I’m good.”

As I turn around, I’m stopped by a hand on my shoulder. “Quinn, it’s okay, you know…to talk to him.”

I shiver at the mention of doing that. “Him who?”

“I’d say your brother, but we both know you don’t need permission to rip him a new one and tear that tight leash he has on you right out of his hands.” She levels me with a stare, and I know I won’t like what she’s going to say. “I’m talking about the boy you’re madly in love with, Quinn.”

My skin goes cold. That’s a really bad idea. “Indie,” I groan.

She stares at me with such a sincere and caring expression, one I don’t often see from her, and smiles sadly. “Talk to Miles. Tell him…something. Anything.”

Ice quickly turns to heat in my body and claws at my throat. I’m embarrassed and slightly ashamed by the feeling I always get when I think about talking to him because I know I never, ever could. What the hell would I say? “I-I can’t, Indie. I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“How about… ‘Hey, I like you. Wanna go on a date?’ ” She wiggles her eyebrows teasingly. “You wanted to date more anyway, right?”

A sad smile lifts the side of my mouth. “You mean I don’t go in with ‘Hey, I’m in love with you and have been since you gave me your last gummy worm. ”

Indie winces. “I mean, it’s bold. It’d definitely catch his attention.”

“Hah. No, it’s a really awful idea.” I shake my head. “I’m resigned to loving him from afar, and that’s that.” It’s my only option.

She sighs, her shoulders deflating with the action. “I just mean, put yourself on his radar, because he’s got his best friend blinkers on. That’s all.”

And guys thought they were the only ones “friend zoned.”

I nod as we leave the restroom and think about her words. Maybe he does have blinkers on when it comes to me. He’s been the most conditioned out of all the men in my life because he’s been there with Seb and me the longest. We’ve all been best friends our whole lives and, as a result, I was always off limits for him. So, if I did remove those boundaries, maybe there could be hope.

But as soon as we round the corner and spot all the guys sitting at a booth, my eyes find him, and fear slams into my chest, making me realize that I need to let it all go. No matter how much I want to, I’ll never have the guts to tell him how I feel.

***

Miles

As we walk back to campus, stomachs full and without Hudson and Jay who ended up chasing after some girls, my buzz has worn off, and I can feel myself crashing. My mood has been souring a little, and I’m glad we’ve left the diner, because the loud chatter was grating on my nerves.

Comedowns are a bitch. Levi says some people are fine; they just get tired and can sleep it off, but I get this anxious high simmering in my veins, like I’m destined for a bad trip. I’m not an angry person, but these drugs know how to pull it out of me. When I took them for the first time last year, after winning the championship, we all went to a party, and I got into a fight. My friends put it down to the win and adrenaline, but it was more than that. I remember the way my anger gripped me when some guy tried to talk shit about one of my teammates. I saw red.

My phone buzzes in my pocket—another text from Dad, reminding me to call the nutritionist he recommended. I sigh, knowing I should, but I just don’t have it in me tonight. Tucking my phone away again, I take a minute to breathe in the evening air and calm my mind. I just need to get to my bed. I know the drill. It sucks that I get the short straw, but it won’t stop me. I could top up and make that feeling go away, but I want to reserve the rush of the initial high, the focus and adrenaline for games only.

“You ever think about how much is going to change after we graduate?” Seb asks, his odd late-night melancholy distracting me.

It’s all my dad talks about, so how can I not think about it? But lately, I’ve been avoiding the topic because what happens when I achieve the pros? He constantly has autonomy over my career, but would that end when I’m drafted? I don’t think so. If anything, it could get worse.

“Yes and no,” I reply honestly.

“Why no? Dude, we’ve always talked about going pro, and now you’re telling me that you aren’t thinking about it all the time?”

I feel that familiar uncomfortable prickle in my throat again, but I swallow to clear it. “You ever wonder what it would be like if we weren’t going pro?”

Seb stops in his tracks. Shit, I shouldn’t have said anything. “Do you not want to go pro?”

“Of course I want that,” I say, the words sounding like a half-lie for the first time in my life. “I just mean, I’m thinking what if we don’t make it.”

A deep frown sets between Seb’s eyebrows, concern sliding onto his face. “This isn’t the first time you’ve said this. Remember when you shaved your head last year?”

I nod. Yeah, I remember after a game, my dad was a complete asshole, and I lost it. The rational thing would have been to move on, but I decided to shave a strip through my head, which he had to help me fix.

“You think we won’t make it? Is that it? Miles, we’ve both got some of the highest stats in the game. We’ll definitely be playing on an NFL team by graduation.” He studies me for a second. “Is there something going on you want to talk about?”

I shake my head, running my hand down my face. “No. I want the pros, you know that. Ignore me.”

“Bullshit. I know you. What’s up?”

This is the moment I should tell him that I feel like I might be drowning. That every time I run onto that field, knowing my dad is watching, assessing, waiting for me to fuck up, the darkness threatens to pull me under. That if this is what it’s like at a college level, what would it be like if I did get drafted? Nothing I do is ever enough for my father. Tonight notwithstanding. His constant downpour of shame and shitty remarks is eating away at me slowly, backing me into a corner where I see no way out? For fuck’s sake, I’ve been partaking in something I know I shouldn’t be doing that could destroy me, but after tonight’s results, I can’t give it up that easily.

This is the moment I could share my pain with my best friend, and he would help me fix it, make it better, because that’s the kind of guy he is. But instead of going to him, I keep my mouth shut, bury the shameful secret that my problems are masked in the form of a little pill that gives me the boost I need for my dad to remain on my good side.

“I want the pros.” I hesitate, then inhale deeply. “I just don’t want to mess it up.”

“We’re going to go pro together, man. I know it.”

And this is when I become the world’s worst friend. But keeping it to myself is better than unleashing on Seb. Golden Boy Seb. He doesn’t need my shit; his life is good. I can’t bring him into this, when there’s nothing to be done about it. My dad will always be my dad, and I just have to deal. I’ve made my own decisions, and I can’t risk his career as well.

When I make eye contact, I smile and hope like hell that he buys it. “You’re right.”

Seb cautiously eyes me for a beat and then returns my smile. “And don’t you forget it. We’ve got this.” He extends his fist for me to knock, and I return it with a twist and thump, just like we used to do when we were kids.

“You two need some alone time? We can start a campfire if you want? Let you hold hands and sing songs?” Indie hollers ahead of us, Quinn giggling into her arm.

“Just for that, you’re not getting any tonight,” Seb shouts back, pointing at his girl.

“You’re full of shit, QB.” Indie remarks with a wink, and Seb blows her a kiss as they start walking ahead again.

“She’s something else,” Seb mutters under his breath. I’ll admit, I was surprised when I heard he’d met a girl a few summers ago and didn’t tell me, especially when Indie showed up at CLU last year. He eventually told me the story, and they’ve pretty much been inseparable ever since. She’s fierce and independent, whereas he’s soft and stubborn, but they work, and I like seeing him happy. “You know she gave me a lecture about laying off Quinn the other day?”

“What did she say?” I ask curiously.

“Apparently, the whole protective big brother thing is a turnoff for guys.” He snorts. “I told her good, that’s the point.” He winces at the memory. “That was the wrong thing to say, though. It got me another talking-to about how Quinn is the boss of her own life and not me and how I’m stifling her, blah, blah, blah.”

I laugh. That sounds about right. “We’ve always been Quinn’s armor, though. She used to like it when we step up for her.”

“Exactly.” Seb’s hands go up in exasperation before itching the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t work now that we’re adults. I do see what she’s saying, but she’s my little sister…”

“I get it, man. I feel protective of her too.”

“I know. I always liked the idea that she had both of us looking out for her.” A soft smile tugs at his mouth. “But I think it’s best to let her do her thing now, and then, when some douchebag hurts her, we step in again. Indie might be right. We should back off.”

“You say ‘we’…” I give him a pointed look.

“Hey, don’t act like you didn’t scare off that guy at her junior prom.”

I scoff. “He was an asshole.” Jason Vance was the biggest asshole. I’d heard him talking—no, bragging —to his friends about how far he wanted to go with Quinn that night. I knew they’d been dating for a while and, yeah, guys his age would brag about sex, but I still didn’t like it. So, I may have had a hand in that one.

“I agree.” He nods. “But like I said, now we back off.”

Back off? He can’t be for real. Queenie is too sweet, too kind to let assholes walk all over her, and college guys are assholes. I should know. I don’t realize how hard I’m clenching my fists until I feel the bite of my nails in my palm. Yeah, fuck that. “I didn’t get the lecture from Indie. I’m still keeping an eye on her.”

Seb half groans, half laughs. “You can’t, man.”

I slap a hand on his shoulder as we turn the corner, and the campus dorms come into view. “I’ll do my best to keep the douchiest guys away from her. I’ll be subtle.”

“You? Subtle? Unlikely.”

Yeah, maybe he’s not wrong. But I won’t let one of my best friends get hurt.