Page 49

49

brITT

FIRST WORDS

I stop at the top of the lookout and pull on the handbrake. Leaving the engine running – because without the air-conditioning, I might die of heat stroke – I smile and watch the sun go down.

The town below is beautiful. The streetlights begin flickering on as another work day ends and grills start firing up; it’s too damn hot to cook inside in this weather.

I can see Jack’s estate from here, though from this distance, their cars are smaller than ants.

This is the first time I’ve come up here since before Jack’s fight. I’d been here before meeting him, but since our hotdog date that first time, I’ve dubbed it our spot.

There was no point coming here without him.

But a month of no Jack has ruined my resolve, especially since my near miss in the cemetery the other day. I crave him so much, my vow to stay away has crumbled.

If I can’t have him , then maybe I get to keep this place.

I’ll hoard every tiny little piece of him that I can. If I save for long enough, maybe I could piece it all back together and build us again.

I didn’t find my bracelet. I haven’t stopped looking. I’ll never stop. I went back to Steph the day after my almost Jack-fumble, but it was nowhere to be found.

I don’t know where it is, and now I’m desperate for anything . Even the red roses that Jack brought that time, the status symbol that I so loathed. They were so cold and fancy, when all I wanted was daisies and hotdogs and dancing.

I’d give anything for those roses now. But just like us , like our relationship, they died and shriveled up.

Gone.

They can’t be revived, they can’t come back to me.

I made so many mistakes, took so many missteps. He was right there, right in front of me. He begged me to talk to him, to open up, but I was so hurt and stubborn, I bottled my shit up until it exploded.

Sitting back lazily, I rest my head against the seat and sing along to Pink on the radio.My eyes are only open halfway, but it’s enough. Uncharacteristically relaxed, I listen to the soft music and watch the sun lower on the horizon.

I can’t be with Jack, but I can see his estate.

That’ll do for now.

I’ve spent equal amounts of time the last few days both congratulating and hating myself for my superhuman willpower.

I walked away. I didn’t stay and listen to his conversation with Steph. I couldn’t do it. Anything I heard would just haunt me. I don’t need more bad memories or dreams.

I want Jack to talk to me .

I want him to come to me, and I want him to want to speak with me. But nothing.

It’s as if he doesn’t exist.

It’s as if my phone doesn’t exist.

At the sound of tires on gravel, I roll my head lazily the way I did so long ago on Kit and Bobby’s couch. But at the sight of a dark Mustang, my lazy heart speeds, booming in my chest.

He rolls toward my car, so fucking slow, it’s almost like he didn’t realize I’d be here, and now that he knows, he’s thinking of making a run for it.

A single tear rushes to the surface and spills over my cheek.

What’s worse than not seeing Jack at all?

Being rejected by Jack.

Hurriedly swiping my good arm across my eye, I sit up in my seat and fuss with my top in a nervous reaction I’ve never had around him before.

Laziness and relaxation forgotten, my stomach rolls and my heart pounds as he parks the Mustang and climbs out.

All six and half beautiful feet of him unfold from the low car, then his shoes crunch along the gravel toward me .

I think I might actually die from nerves.

He stops only a foot away from my door, then squatting low like I’m a little kid, he taps the glass that separates us.

Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.

Please don’t call me a whore again.

Taking a deep breath, I hit the button on my door and listen to the mechanical whirring of the window lowering.

I can’t look into his eyes.

I just can’t do it.

So I watch his lips instead; so fucking sexy and tasty, and then his popped dimple.

Why is he smiling?

Doesn’t his heart hurt, too?

“Found you, Bambie,”

I swallow around the dread that sits lodged in my throat. “Jack.”

I love you!

“You’re not dating Luc.”

My confused eyes snap to his without my permission.

Big mistake.

His are so pretty. Such a beautiful deep blue that I just know our children would get if only we didn’t mess this up.

For me to birth tiny blue-eyed babies with that single sneaky dimple… perfection.

“Bambie?”

“Huh?”

“I thought you were dating Luc.”

“When?”

“For the last month.”

“Oh… well…” I clear my throat and turn back to the beautiful sunset. “I’m not.”

“Laine told me you were. She was mad I hurt you, so she hurt me back.”

“…Okay.”

“I thought you were happy with him, so I didn’t call you. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. I’ve just lived through the longest, most painful month of my life, because I didn’t call you. I was done hurting you. But you’re not dating him.”

“No.” My heart pounds so hard, I swear he can actually see it. “I’m not.”

“You look beautiful.” I look up in shock. “You look like club Bambie,” he clarifies. “Your cute little nose ring and your sex hair.” He reaches through the window and plays with my loose hair. His eyes dart around my face, drop to the cast on my arm, then back to my face. “You look so beautiful. You look like you again; not the red-dress-Bambie, and not the hospital-Bambie. You have no clue how it does my heart good to see you this way.”

It does my heart damage to see him.

He looks amazing. So close, but so far away.

“Evie wants you to come over to skate soon. She misses you.”

I miss her, too. I miss her so much.

Taking my chin when I hiccup on my breath, he drags my gaze back to his. “No. Don’t cry, Bambie.” He thumbs the single traitorous tear from beneath my eye. “Please don’t cry ever again. You deserve to be happy.”

“I’ve missed you, Jack.”

His thumb freezes. His entire body freezes. “You have?”

I can’t tell him how much. I can’t admit my vulnerability. It’ll hurt so much more when he rejects me. So I simply nod. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Emotions cross his face. Rejection. Anger. Pain. Regret. Like a scratched disk, my mind freezes on the rejection and has my heart stuttering with pain.

I can’t handle more rejection. “Jack–”

“I’m so sorry for what I did to us.” Moving closer to the door, his eyes flash with pain. “I’m so fucking sorry, Bambie.

Sniffling, I pat his hand. “It’s okay. You already apologized at the hospital. We’re good.”

“We’re good.” He laughs bitterly. Shaking his head, he studies the road beneath my car.

“Can I tell you something, Jack?”

His desperate eyes come to mine. “Yes. Tell me anything.”

“You told Steph that you loved her.” I watch the way his brows pull together in an attempt to make sense of my words. “The morning after you got home from your promo tour. I ah…” I trail off and curse the heat that crosses my face. “I was giving you that blowjob I promised. You said her name in your sleep. You said you loved her.”

“Jesus, Bambie.”

“That’s why I freaked out on you. That’s why this shit started. A few days before that, there were all those articles about me and Steph competing for your love, so I was already sensitive. Then you said her name, you said you loved her. It hurt. I knew…” I pause to breathe, be cause I’m about two seconds from breaking down and sobbing for the millionth time this month.

I just need to say what needs to be said, then I need to move on.

“It’s not about competing. I can’t compete with her. I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to be compared to her again. I just want to be me.”

“I love you, Bambie.”

My eyes widen in shock. “What?”

“I love you .” He grins. “And I never compare you to her. You’re two different people. Two completely separate, amazing, beautiful women. I don’t compare. I can’t. You’re absolutely nothing alike.”

I wipe my boogers like a fool. “I’m sorry for being dumb. I’m sorry for getting caught up in a one-sided competition. I fell in love with you, then I panicked and started our spiral.” I point between us. “And this is where we landed. Destination fucked. It’s all my fault for being insecure and dumb.”

“You fell in love?”

My eyes lift to his. “Yeah. I said I wouldn’t be that girl. I said I wouldn’t get clingy and annoying, but I did. I was so clingy, I wanted to cuff you to my bed, but not in the sexy way.”

I’m such an idiot. I’d slap myself if I could do it without looking even crazier.

Hesitantly peeking from beneath my lashes, I find his beautiful dimple flashing.

“I thought you were so blasé about us, Bambie. I was getting all insecure and clingy and shit because I thought you didn’t care about me the way I cared about you.”

“So really… we’re both idiots who don’t know how to communicate?”

He nods softly. “Looks like it.”

“I’m sorry I broke us.”

He shakes his head, but his smile remains. “No, Bambie. No apologies. No more.” Standing, he steps away and sends my heart stuttering with pain.

He’s done now. He’s leaving.

But he doesn’t.

Opening my door, he leans in so close, if I simply leaned forward a couple inches, I could kiss his cheek. I so desperately want to. I so desperately wish I had that freedom.

Unsnapping my belt and turning my ignition off, he takes my good hand and gently pulls me out of my car .

Screw kissing his cheek. Now if I just leaned forward a single inch, I could rest my face on his chest.

Just one more chance.

Please, universe, one more chance.

“Bambie.” Lifting my chin, he smiles gently and studies the tears that tease my lashes. “Steph was my girlfriend for a very long time. I loved her. I loved her very much. I still find comfort in visiting her. She was my friend long before she was my girlfriend.”

“I know.” I’m so ashamed of my jealousy.

“Not every man is lucky enough to meet a wonderful woman and fall in love.”

“I know–”

“But I found that love twice.” When my eyes shoot to his, he nods. “Twice, Bambie. I found love twice . And not just regular stupid love, but the kind that breaks a man when he doesn’t have it anymore. I’ve been broken without you. But I dealt better this time, because you deserve better than the Jack you first met. I refused to sink back to that Jack, because then I knew I’d never deserve you. I still don’t, but I can try, right?”

“I still love you, Jack. I’ve missed you so much.”

He smiles so sweetly. “I never stopped loving you, Bambie. Never ever.” He leans down and presses the softest kiss to my forehead.

I want to get excited, but it’s the exact same kiss my brothers give me. Nothing more.

Stepping back, he reaches into his pocket. “I have something that belongs to you.”

I watch as he brings his closed hand up between us. He turns his hand, then opening his fingers, has me bursting into tears at the sight of my bracelet.

“I lost it.”

“I found it.” He grins playfully. “You like to visit Steph, too, huh?”

Gently plucking my bracelet from his palm, I close it in mine like it was a life preserver and I was drowning. “I’ve visited her every week for a long time.” I laugh, because I know how ridiculous I sound. “She’s kinda cool. We’ve become friends.”

He pulls me close against his chest. “Jesus, that doesn’t surprise me. Women. You all band together and bond over PMS, then the men sit on the outside and pray you’ll be gentle on our hearts.”

“I probably like her more than I like you. ”

Chuckling, he drops a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m not surprised. You’re not the first person who’s said that.”

“I told her I loved you, like I was asking her permission.”

“I told her I loved you, too, Bambie. A long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, too.”

“You really love me?”

“Yeah.” He drops another kiss on my head. “I love you so fucking much, but I was too scared to tell you. You were too cool for me. Too chill. I told Bobby. I told Jim. I told just about everyone else in the world, but I was too much of a coward to tell you.” He pulls back to look into my eyes. “You disarm me at every turn. I was terrified you didn’t feel the same. I was scared you’d dump me… which,” he adds sadly, “you did anyway.”

I wrap my arms around his stomach and squeeze. “Well, technically, you dumped me.”

He chuckles softly. “I’m such an idiot.”

I’m so ridiculously terrified this is all a dream, or that I’m reading it all wrong, but I have to ask. I have to walk away from the lookout today with no regrets.

I can’t live another day until I know for sure.

“Do you think we could maybe go out on another date?” I bite my lip nervously. “See if we can do this again, but maybe with more talking about the important stuff.”

“No.” He kisses my head again, like a compulsion he just can’t stop. “I don’t think we could do that.”

“Oh. Well.” Broken. Heart. Dead. “Okay.”

“Let’s play a quick game.”

I look up into his beautiful blue eyes. My heart’s breaking into a million pieces, and this asshole’s over here smiling his dimple smile.

“First word that comes to your mind. Ready?”

My lips quiver with tears and heartbreak. “Okay.”

“Do you love me?”

Definitely. Easy question. “Yes.”

He smiles with victory. “Good, ‘cause I love you, too.” He drops a soft kiss on my cheek. “Next question.” He runs his good arm along my cast. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Can I sign your cast later?”

“Okay,” I laugh. I look down at his arm in a sling. “No cast.”

“You can sign my arm if you want. I’ll tattoo it straight onto my skin. ”

He probably would.

He’s such a tattoo whore.

“When do you go back to school?”

“August. When do you go back to training?”

He shrugs casually. “I’ll be off for months. I probably won’t ever go back pro again…” He studies my eyes and runs his fingers through my hair. “So you have time before you have somewhere to be?”

I nod.

“Wanna spend your time with me?”

“Yeah,” I whisper desperately. “I really do. No work, no distractions, no other boyfriends.”

He laughs. “That rule stands for the rest of our lives.” He lowers his forehead until it rests on mine. “No other boyfriends allowed.”

“Okay.”

“You ready for the next question?”

I nod.

He reaches back into his pocket, takes my hand in his, turns my palm up and places something small and light in the center. Closing my fingers around the object tight enough sharp corners bite against my skin, he has my breath catching in my lungs.

“Next question; you wanna love me for the rest of our lives? ‘Cause I’ll love you for the rest of mine.”

“Jack–”

“We’re still playing.” His dimple pops playfully. “First word that comes to your mind.”

Yes. Hell yes. Fuck yes. “Yes.”

His eyes widen. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” My hand squeezes firmly around the diamond ring in my palm. “Yeah. I’ll love you for the rest of my life.”

“Next question.”

I choke out a laugh and draw in a noisy, boogery breath.

What more could there be?

“What?”

“Wanna move in with me?”

I nod immediately. “Okay.”

“Today?”

“Alright.”

“Thank God.” He presses a firm kiss to my lips. “I gotta lock this shit down as soon as possible. I’m officially off training, so I’m probably gonna get fat soon, and I’m unemployed. I need a sugar momma.”