Page 45

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brITT

SO CLOSE

W e’re gifted with another perfectly sunny day, something that the universe has been particularly kind about lately; not that I’ve been out much. My time spent in the sun only extends as far as my backyard to watch my brothers skate, and every few days when I come here.

I bask in the warm rays, pull my shorts a little higher on my thighs so I don’t get a weird tan line, and like we’re at a sleepover, I visit with Steph.

It’s our thing.

We talk boys… one boy. We talk dogs… one dog. And I chat with her like she’s truly here and truly replying to every dumb joke I make.

I spend so much time with my brothers lately, the dumb jokes are frying my brain.

Taking the long way through the gardens today, I stop and steal a few flowers before taking them to Jack and Kit’s dad.

He doesn’t talk to me, not like Steph kind of does.

I imagine he’s just quiet, watchful. He’s just being a dad and hoping for the best for his kids.

Following the exact path I made yesterday, I place a flower in front of his headstone, and scan the grass in hopes of seeing the silver glint of my bracelet.

Still nothing.

I lost my bracelet sometime between lunchtime and dinnertime yesterday, and I want it back so much, I can barely catch my breath .

I want a lot back, but not everyone can have everything, and I already have a lot.

“I hope you’re doing okay today, Mr. Reilly.” I squat down in front of his marker and smile at his name, then beneath that in a beautiful scroll, ‘loving father.’

I bet he was a good man. They speak of him fondly, and his kids are kind of awesome. I bet he wishes he got to meet his grandbabies.

Such sweet babies.

“It’s nice and sunny out today. I hope you can feel it wherever you are. It feels a bit like a hug.” I stand again and fuss with his flowers until they sit up nicely. “I’m looking for my bracelet. Jack bought it for me. You know the one, I’ve showed you before, so if it’s not too much trouble, maybe you could help me and keep an eye out.” I run the fingers of my uninjured arm across his headstone, because even though I try so hard to think of everything I do have, I can’t stop thinking of what I don’t . “Tell Kit and Jack I said hello. And that I miss them.”

That I love them.

Wandering away to keep searching for my bracelet, I follow the winding path I took yesterday. Anyone else following my zigzagging path would think I was high. I wasn’t. I was simply enjoying the sunlight.

And I had nowhere better to be.

It’s still summer vacation, so school’s out for a little while longer. And even if it wasn’t summer, the doctors said I have to stay home to rest.

I feel pretty much all better. A little tired sometimes, but that’s mostly because my arm was either itchy or sore and kept me awake.

The last couple nights, I’ve caught a solid ten hours, so I know I’m on the up. I never thought I’d say it – because I’ve been waiting my whole life to make my brothers my slaves – but I can’t sit still any more. I can’t read another book. I can’t be waited on anymore.

I need to be me again.

I look forward to going back to school, back to normalcy, back to my life.

But mostly, I look forward to seeing Evie.

I haven’t seen her once since the day Brad hurt me. In fact, I haven’t seen any of the Kincaid men or children. The women stopped by the hospital a couple times – they brought sugary snacks and magazines, and sat with me for an hour here and there – but they never once mentioned Jack, and I wasn’t brave enough to ask.

I haven’t seen Jack since the visit that Luc interrupted.

Since then, I’ve only seen him in my dreams .

Every. Single. Night.

Which isn’t so bad. Dreaming of Jack is kind of on every girl’s wish list anyway, and the way I dream of him, the way he flew into my classroom like a superhero, the way he took Brad down like a masked crusader slaying my enemies… they’re pretty pleasant dreams.

I wake with a smile every single morning… for twenty seconds. Then I’m brought back to reality, back to an itchy arm, tangled hair, and an empty bed.

He’s not mine.

“It’s not my place to ask after her anymore, Steph.”

My head snaps up at the voice, at his voice, and has me freezing in place.

Staring at his back in silence, I study his broad back, his thick neck, wide ribs, then the way his body narrows at the waist.

Sitting on the grass in front of Steph the way I’ve done a million times before, I watch his shoulders ripple through his dark shirt. I don’t know what he’s doing with his hands, I can’t see, maybe he’s simply wringing them together, but something causes his shoulder blades to move rhythmically.

Dark as night, Annie lies spread out, leaning against his back. Her ears twitch. Her tongue lolls. And her feet do the running man in the air.

Is she dreaming of the field of flowers, too?

Frozen in place, unwilling to make my presence known, I stand in the sun and hold my breath.

I’m a terrible person, an awful, eavesdropping human being, but seeing him has my heart beating fast and my stomach rolling both good and bad.

I’ve missed him so damn much, I’ll even watch him talk to his late girlfriend.

It’s better than nothing.

A month ago, this would’ve hurt me. I would’ve thought up a thousand reasons why he chooses her and not me.

Not anymore.

I can’t compete with a ghost. We were never meant to compete.

I should leave. I should give him privacy.