Page 46

46

JACK

CONFESSIONS

“ I ’ve got way too much spare time, Steph.” I roll Bambie’s bracelet between my hands. “ Way too much. I drive by her house; I just wanna know that she’s safe, you know? I drive by the station, because making sure Alex is well somehow assures me she is, too. I go to the club just to see Scotch. He pisses me off more often than not, but I go, anyway. Even the smell of booze in the air is nothing compared to what I feel for her. Then I see Luc… I’m so fucking jealous of Luc I wanna puke, but the fact they see her daily brings me back every night. They see her, so now they’re my only connection to her.”

I sigh at the way things have gone. We shouldn’t have ended the way we did. We shouldn’t have ended at all!

I love her.

She loves me, too. I know she does. She couldn’t have faked our connection.

Rolling to her back behind me, Annie suns her belly and kicks me in the ribs.

“I can’t even call her, Steph. It’s not my place. But fuck, I want to. She’s happy, right? You’d know, wouldn’t you? She has Luc and the guys. She’s safe, and you’d tell me if she was unhappy.”

I sigh. “I’ve been good, though. Strong. I promise. I haven’t been drinking, and I’m not even a total asshole all the time.” I laugh under my breath. “Well. Mostly. The guys would probably tell you different. Mostly I’m just keeping my head down. Trying my best to be a good brother, a good uncle. I still have a lot of making up to do for what I did to them after you left.”

I glance down at my hands, roll the silver chain and watch the jewels sparkle in the sun. I lift it with my good hand. “At least I have this, right? I might use this as an excuse to go over, say hi. Look into her pretty eyes. Ask her to marry me.” I laugh again. “Do you think if I begged, really, truly, dropped-to-my-knees begged, she might dump Luc like a rotten potato and ride off into the sunset with me? No? Maybe.”

I wish.

I’d give just about anything to have her in my arms again, to dance in the rain, to have her whisper her secrets into my ear, to play with her soft hair.

“I can’t find the off switch, Steph. I’ve tried, I really have, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I can’t stop the way my heart craves her. I love her. I love her so fucking much it hurts, but stealing her away from her boyfriend would only hurt her . I can’t do that anymore. I can’t hurt her anymore.

“I know why we didn’t work,” I continue quietly. My words are so quiet, I can barely hear them over the chatter of birds in the trees. “She’s not meant for someone like me. She’s too… free . A wild spirit. Not for me.” Luc. Fucking Luc. “Not for him, either, just so you know.” I laugh.

It hurts my chest to laugh. I don’t feel like doing it, but if I don’t laugh, I might cry. I can’t break any more.

There’s not much left of me to give.

“She’s too good for him, too, but he’s a good guy. He’ll take care of her. I trust him. I hate his ugly fucking guts, but I trust him.

“I had her for only a few months, and my insecurities smothered her. I smothered the flame we had.” I slump in on myself. “Fuck, I want the fire back, Steph. I miss her. So. Fucking. Much. It’s been forever since I saw her, even longer since I last touched her.” I haven’t touched her since before my promo tour. I haven’t seen her smile in just as long.

Months ago. Too long.

“At least she watched my fight, right? She said she did. She knew that I won. That means she cares, right?” Yeah. It does. She does.

She has to.

Maybe Luc’s just a rebound thing. Her attempt at flicking our switch the way I can’t.

I look down into my hands, then lift them and show Steph the bracelet. “I guess she visits you, too, huh? I shouldn’t be surprised. Girls .” Scoffing, I lean back against Annie’s solid chest. “Thick as thieves. You’re all the same.” I think back to the night of our first blowup. The night I discovered her name was not Bambie. “Did you know Annie chose her over me? The first time I brought her home, Annie was about ready to rip my arm off to protect her. Little shit.” Laughing, I tap Annie’s thigh and jerk her out of her sleep.

I’m vaguely aware of her vibrating chest, then her standing and wandering off.

“So, I was thinking,” I continue. “Remember ages ago where I asked you for a sign and you didn’t really deliver? Well,” I correct. “You kinda did. In a big way.” Steph delivered Bambie right under my damn nose. “I was thinking, maybe you could do that again. I just need one more chance with her. I won’t screw it up twice, I promise. But maybe if you can’t, if you think her and Luc are a better match – you’d be wrong – but if you insist , then maybe you could just watch over her, make sure she’s okay, strike him down with lightning if he doesn’t treat her right. Or, you know, strike him down just for funsies. Either works for me. Do you think you could do that?”

My eyes shoot up to the sky. “I don’t see any rainbows, Steph.” I look to the left and try not to suffocate under the disappointment. “No firetrucks in the street.” Patting my pocket, I lean back to fish the box out. “I have her ring here, Stephy. I’ve been carrying this damn thing around with me for months. Give us two friggin minutes alone and I’ll beg her. Send a bird down to nip at Annie’s ass, and I’ll ask Bambie to marry me today. Luc be damned. I’ll fight him for her. He’s a pussy. I’m a world champion. I could beat him, and I’d only feel a little bit bad about it.”

I look around. I look into the trees above. I turn and look over my shoulder in search of Annie.

Nothing.

There was a tiny sliver of hope inside my heart that Steph would be sneaky again, that she’d deliver Britt right under my nose.

But not this time.

No Bambie.

No rainbows.

Just my dog sitting all alone fifteen feet from where I sit. She faces the tree lined road and thumps the grass with her tail.

But no Britt.