Page 144 of False Start

“I hereby grant full custody of Sebastian Calvin Hearst to his mother, Madelyn James Hearst,” Judge Hall said. “Effective immediately.”

Marshall cursed and kicked a chair, which had the judge beating his gavel as my heart worked overtime, all the adrenaline of the day coursing through me.

“I am also ruling that your visitation with your son will be supervised, Mr. Hearst, until you have completed two-hundred-and-fifty hours of anger management courses and have successfully attended weekly AA meetings for one year. Now, Itake no pleasure in keeping a father from his son, but I will have you know that I will never stand to put a child’s safety in jeopardy. You prove to me that you can be the man I think you have inside you, and you will have your visitation rights invoked. You will not harm that young boy, Mr. Hearst. This is your chance to turn things around for you and for your family. I truly hope you take it. But believe me when I say that should you not, I have no problem doubling down.”

“Fuck this and fuck you,” Marshall spat to the horror of the entire courtroom.

His lawyers tried without any luck to get him to calm down, grappling at his suit sleeves to no avail.

“If I’m going to have my visitation supervised, I don’t even want it.”

My heart thumped hard in the silence that followed that statement.

“Be very careful with your actions right now, Mr. Hearst,” Judge Hall warned, his patience growing thin.

“I shouldn’t have to put up with all this.” Marshall turned to where Kyle sat now, glaring. “If you want the kid so badly, you can have him.”

“I’ve had enough,” Judge Hall said, his voice booming. “Consider that verbal statement your surrender of your rights as Sebastian’s father, Mr. Hearst. I will accept the defendant’s request for stepparent adoption.”

Marshall flopped back down into his chair with a sneer and a wave of his hand like he couldn’t care less.

The rest of the words blurred in my mind, as if my soul had floated up to the top of the courtroom and I was watching everything from above. It was all muted, distorted, distant.

My husband’s temper had caught up to him. He’d shown his ass in court like I never thought possible. Gone was his restraint, his fake smile and professional demeanor.

In the blink of an eye, he’d shown his true colors to every person in this room.

The rest of it happened like an out-of-body experience. Eventually, I was being wrapped in a hug by my parents. Kyle was kissing me and taking me by the hand as we walked out of the courtroom, the courthouse, and into the drizzling, cool rain.

Thankfully, due mostly to Giana’s gentle maneuvering of the media, there were no cameras waiting for us. She had been a godsend, communicating our desperate plea for privacy during this time, and working some sort of magic to where the press was actually respecting that.

I didn’t know how long it was before we were in the car, before we were picking Sebastian up from Braden’s condo, before we were sitting at Sebastian’s favorite pizza place and explaining everything to him.

There was laughter. There was sadness. There were so many mixed emotions I couldn’t name them all.

When we finally made it home, my mom and dad hugged me tight and implored me to get some rest before they made their way to our guest suite out back. I thought I thanked them for coming. I hoped I conveyed how much it meant to me that they were there, that they had been with me and with Kyle and with their grandson.

I couldn’t be sure.

It was all surreal, even when Kyle and I climbed into Sebastian’s bed on either side of him and answered every question he had for us. We knew he’d go through many emotions after tonight, and we assured him we’d be there for all of it. But tonight, he cuddled us and told us he loved us, and most of his questions were about his baby sister. He wanted to know when she was coming, even though we’d told him several times. He wanted to know how big she was now. He wanted to know what color we would paint her room. He wanted to know if he couldhelp pick out her first toys. He wanted to know what we’d name her.

I had a feeling it was him fixating on something happy to avoid the truth of the day — that, at least for now, he would no longer have Marshall in his life.

If the stepparent adoption really did go through, that would be true forever. Because I knew once Kyle made Sebastian his, he would keep him from my monstrous ex at all costs.

I was content to let my son ride out the emotions in his own time. I promised him I’d be there for him no matter what. Kyle promised the same. In fact, Kyle even asked Sebastian if he’d like to talk to someone who wasn’t us about everything that had gone on. He explained it would be a way to talk about everything without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings.

At first, Sebastian had shaken his head. But then, he’d shrugged and said he didn’t know, that maybe he would like that.

I knew I’d be looking into a therapist first thing in the morning.

I wanted him to survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I wanted him to be able to communicate everything he felt, to have space for the anger and the sadness and the resentment, and anything else he might feel.

By the time Sebastian was asleep, Kyle and I were bleary-eyed and walking like zombies into the living room. Kyle pulled my feet into his lap and massaged them as I moaned and sank into the cushions.

“You were amazing today,” he said.

I blew out a breath. “I don’t feel amazing.”