Page 101 of False Start

My next swallow was impossible to force.

“Sebastian,” I whispered.

My heart cracked.

Kyle and I had stayed up so late last night, we’d slept until well past even the late checkout Kyle had requested. There was no time to talk, no time to discuss what came next. We’d packed our things hastily and jumped on the flight home.

But Mom was right.

In our little oasis in Colorado, it seemed like nothing mattered but Kyle and me.

Back in reality, I was staunchly reminded of every little factor that would weigh into our decisions.

“Nothing has to be figured out right now,” Mom said with finality. “You go take a shower and get some sleep. There will be plenty of time for discussions when you see him later this week.”

I nodded, dragging myself off the barstool as the exhaustion from every crashing emotion settled in.

“Thank you for this weekend, Mom,” I said, grabbing her hand and squeezing it tight. “For everything you do for us.”

“Oh, honey. I wish we could do more. Your father and I have lost sleep so many nights wishing you’d let us give you the money to help you move the way you want to.” She sniffed, but then smiled a bit. “Then again, I guess everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?”

I heard what she didn’t say.

If I was already gone, I never would have run into Kyle.

I never would have learned the truth.

And as much as I didn’t know where we went from here, as much as it hurt to discover we’d lived in a painful lie for years… I wouldn’t give up this weekend for anything. I wouldn’t trade what it felt like to hold him and kiss him and have him inside me again for a safe nest on the other side of the country.

The universe had led us to this point, to this collision, to this truth.

I only hoped it had a plan for what would happen now.

Madelyn

A few days later, I stretched my legs out from the Adirondack chair in our backyard, watching as Kyle chased Sebastian with his arms loaded up with water balloons.

Sebastian was laughing so hard he could barely run in a straight line, and he certainly wasn’t going fast enough to keep Kyle from catching him. But Kyle pretended like he couldn’t catch him, lobbing water balloons close enough to break and splash Sebastian’s feet and legs without actually hitting him.

It was the perfect summer day in Seattle, the kind where everyone was outside enjoying the sunshine. Kyle had ribs on the grill — the grill he’d purchased, because I certainly never used one — and he seemed to have just as much energy as my son, judging by the way they’d played all afternoon long.

My heart beat steadily as I watched them play, calmly — which was interesting, considering the conversation I knew was coming. Kyle and I had decided to tell Sebastian about us.

I waited for my stomach to knot, for my chest to seize, for my body to rebel and remind me that this could all go up in flames at any moment.

But everything about Kyle felt safe. Secure.

Comfortable.

As if no time had passed between us.

As if the only future ahead of us was one where we were together.

There was still a lot to figure out, that we both knew. But we were content to take things slowly — especially since, so far, it had felt like a whirlwind between us.

“Catch, Mommy!”

I blinked out of my thoughts just in time to see a bright red water balloon sailing through the air toward me, but my reflexes weren’t fast enough to catch it. I put my hands up, but all that did was provide the perfect popping point.