Page 41 of Falling for a Grumpy Hero

FORD

O n Sunday morning after the block party, I stood in my kitchen, pacing at five a.m. I’d barely slept and I’d finally given up a few minutes ago, deciding that the best thing I could do was to get out of the room before my restlessness woke Lila up at the crack of dawn.

Rook had been abandoning the duties he’d been trained for lately whenever she was around, but he was right by my side now, letting me know that I was even more severely on edge than I’d realized. I felt off today, though.

Very off.

After we’d gotten back to my place last night, I’d thrown myself into Lila, and for a while, it’d worked. I’d drowned the memories in the sounds of her moans and I’d shut out the darkness by worshiping her body.

Then I’d cum so hard that I hadn’t been thinking at all—until she’d told me that she loved me. I had no idea where that had come from and I was pretty sure it’d been a heat of the moment thing, but it’d hit me harder than I’d ever have thought possible.

Because I wasn’t lovable. Never had been.

Luke, however, had been lovable. He’d had a girl who had loved him since before they’d really even known what love was. But he wasn’t here to be loved. He didn’t have the future they’d planned for.

Yet here I was, the punk whose only plan had been to become a marine, and out of nowhere, the most beautiful woman in the world was telling me that she loved me after she’d let me ravage her.

It’d felt like a fluke. A mistake made by the universe itself in which I had stepped into the life he was supposed to have had.

And ever since, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the accident. About the moment I’d looked over, and the helicopter was going down, and Luke had been shot, and the universe had made a monumental fucking error in judgment.

Every time I blinked, I saw those green eyes piercing mine and it was like I could feel the phantom grip of his fingers on my arm.

It was haunting me to the point where I could barely speak or think as I sat down at the kitchen table, my coffee in front of me, but the fact that I’d gotten it from the machine to my chair without spilling it all over was a miracle.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there when Lila appeared in the doorway. All I knew was that it was suddenly very light in the room, which meant it’d been at least an hour. Probably more.

She was fully dressed in another bright, floral-patterned shirt with a sunshine yellow skirt that brushed against her ankles when she walked. Her hair was up in a high ponytail, her face completely bare of any makeup.

“I’m going home,” she said quietly. “Are you alright?”

I couldn’t force myself to speak, so I just nodded, but I couldn’t look away from her either. Rook pressed his head against my thigh instead of going to her, which was yet another sign that I was in deep, deep trouble.

For just a moment, Lila’s gaze darted down to him and she seemed conflicted about what to do, but then she sighed and took a few steps closer. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

Again, it was all I could do to lower my chin in what I hoped would pass as a nod.

She moved in on me, pressing a kiss to the top of my head, and I closed my eyes, hating myself for flinching away.

Instantly, she took a massive step back and hurt tore across those cornflower blue eyes, letting me know that she knew exactly what had just happened.

Fuck .

She left without another word, not even to say goodbye to Rook, and I groaned, but I was powerless against the onslaught today.

I glanced at my forearm, at the place Luke had grabbed, convinced that there had to be something physical on it because I could feel that tight grip, but there was nothing there. I wasn’t even wearing long sleeves.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was faintly aware of time passing. The light in the kitchen changed every so often, and eventually, Rook started bugging me. Soft whines and whimpers came out of him as he jabbed his nose into my leg. He pawed at my foot and nudged me with his head.

He’s trying to help.

I recognized that, but I was feeling a little beyond help right now. Even so, I finally rose from the chair, not really knowing why, but I’d half-heartedly been trying to get better about taking care of myself the last few weeks, so I got up.

A short drive later, I found myself sitting in my truck outside the church where the support group meetings were held. There was no meeting today. I had no clue why I’d even come here, but I just sat there, watching the congregation leave after the morning service.

People smiled and chatted, holding the arms of their loved ones and spilling out into the parking lot. All of them on their way somewhere. Home. To lunch with their families. Perhaps some were going back to work.

It was a brutal reminder that the world always just kept right on turning. No matter who left it or what state others were in, days always turned into nights and those turned into morning. The cruel passage of time that didn’t stop for anyone or anything.

In my periphery, I saw Dan and his wife leave the church and I noticed him spotting my truck, but I wasn’t really aware of it until I realized he was walking over to me. I sighed but rolled down my window.

“Need to talk?” he asked without any prelude. “I told my wife I’d see her later, so I’m available.”

I shook my head, half-grimacing, half-wincing. I needed to get out of here, but before I could shift the car into gear, Dan took a step closer. “Do you just want to sit with me for a while, then? We don’t have to talk.”

He was standing so close to my truck that I couldn’t race off without risking driving over his foot, and when he didn’t move back, just stoically holding my gaze like he had all the time in the world, I finally nodded and climbed out.

I held the door open for Rook, following Dan to our usual meeting room once I’d slammed the door behind the dog.

For a long time, we just sat there together. Quietly. Dan didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave and Rook was still pressed tightly against my side. Every now and then, a tremor passed through him.

“How are you and your girlfriend doing?” Dan finally asked, cutting through the silence in the room in a gentle but persistent tone. “Taylor told me you were seeing someone.”

I yanked my gaze from the empty coffee station I’d been absently staring at, surprised that out of everything he could’ve asked, he’d chosen that. For some absurd reason, however, the simple question cut me to the quick.

It sliced through the deafening noise of the crash in my head and I started to break, feeling like I was coming apart at the seams when I remembered how hurt she’d looked this morning. “It’s not going well. I think it’s over.”

My hands started shaking and Rook whined, but I slid my fingers into his soft coat and held him. All the words I’d been thinking all morning rolled off my tongue without conscious thought driving them and I let them go, feeling like I had finally and completely lost all control.

“Luke should’ve had this life, not me. I was just a dumb kid, a hot shot, but Luke had a real future.

He had someone who loved him and she lost him, but I walked away.

I survived. He didn’t. I don’t deserve this.

I didn’t even have any fucking plans. He had all the plans.

Him and every other guy on that chopper. ”

Dan kept quiet, just letting me rattle off every thought in a voice so broken, I didn’t even recognize it myself.

“Why the fuck am I here, Dan? Some therapist I saw in the hospital back then told me that I had to believe there was a reason I survived, but what have I done in the last ten years that made my life worth saving? Why would the only guy who didn’t give a shit about coming home be the one who got to do it? ”

I let out a shuddering exhale, my head swimming.

I gripped Rook a little tighter, but not even his presence managed to draw me out of it.

Not today. “It’s just so fucking unfair.

Why should I get to be happy? Why should I get to have a future, a woman who loves me, maybe even children one day?

Why do I deserve any of those things when they will never have them? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Have you ever mentioned any of these things to your girlfriend?” he asked when I finally stopped shouting. “Does she know this is how you feel?”

I snorted and chuckled darkly. “No. Well, she knows some of it, but not all. Why would I tell her? I can’t let her know how deeply fucked up I am or I’ll lose her. I might’ve lost her anyway, but at least I got to be with her for longer than I would’ve if she’d known.”

Dan cocked his head, eyes straying away from mine as he sighed. “Did you know that I served right back at the beginning of the war in Afghanistan? We were one of the first units to be deployed after the initial ground forces were sent in.”

“Okay.” I frowned, blinking hard as I wondered what was happening right now. “Why are you telling me that?”

“So that you’ll know it’s been a staggering amount of years since the first time I asked myself that very same question. Why me? Why am I alive? Why did I survive? Why do I deserve this?”

I kept quiet, not really knowing what I could say, so I chose to just keep listening instead. Dan’s expression was somber as he stared at the window, his eyelids drifting closed. He tipped his face back just a little, as if he was imagining the sunshine outside on his skin.

“The fact is that the why doesn’t really matter,” he said. “All that matters is that you’re here. We’ll never know why, but we will drive ourselves crazy if we keep asking that question. In the meantime, life is for the living. You can either get out there and do it or not.”

“That’s… not really helpful.”

He chuckled and finally opened his eyes. “Ford, did you force Luke or any of those other men to sign up?”

“What? No.”

He nodded slowly. “Did you march them onto that chopper at gunpoint? Did you force them to sit where they were sitting? Did you fight to have your seat?”

I stared at him completely blankly. “No.”

“Did you shoot down that chopper or contribute in any way to the accident?”

“Of course not.” I scoffed. “Why would you even ask me that?”

“So you’ll realize how ridiculous it is to blame yourself,” he said pointedly. “Is there anything you could have done differently that day? Something perhaps to stop that barrage from hitting your chopper or your friends?”

I huffed out a deep breath and hung my head. “No. It came out of nowhere.”

“Exactly.” He finally brought his gaze back to mine.

“I met my wife after my first deployment. At the time, I’d already lost friends, but she brought the sunshine back into my life.

Every time I left after that, I knew she would be there waiting to do it again if I came home, and every time I stepped my feet back on US soil, there she was. ”

He sighed through his nostrils and smiled. “When I finally retired and stopped moving around, I even painted the first house we bought yellow, like the sun, so that even on the darkest days, I knew I’d be returning to the light. To the warmth.”

I just kept staring at him, feeling like something had just clicked, but I didn’t know if it would help. It might be too late to fix things with Lila before they’d even really began, but a lightbulb had finally come on in my brain and I knew that despite everything else, I had to at least try.

I’d promised her that I would fight. I just hadn’t realized that there would come a time when I’d actually be ready to do it.