Page 33 of Falling for a Grumpy Hero

FORD

“ C an I come to your place instead?” Lila asked when I offered to drop her off at her apartment after the meeting.

I frowned but swept a hand out toward my truck. “Sure. Why not?”

She’d been suspiciously quiet since I’d come out of the basement and met up with her in the hallway. Her eyes were also slightly unfocused and she seemed thoughtful but determined about something.

I wasn’t sure why she wanted to come over, but I could tell something was wrong. It was probably better to find out what it was tonight before we ended up having another argument at the office in the morning.

The drive to my place was utterly silent, neither of us saying a word all the way there. It was normal for me, but it definitely spelled trouble coming from her.

Rook trotted over when we walked into the house, an excited woof coming out of him as soon as he laid eyes on Lila.

She smiled at him, rubbing his head and neck as she said hello, but even that was a watered-down version of how she usually was when they hadn’t seen each other for a couple hours—and it had been way more than that.

“What is it?” I asked after I’d shut the door behind us. Trepidation slithered through me, doubt creeping across my mind about taking her to that meeting. “Did they say something that upset you?”

I had no idea what the family and friends support group was like. Until Dan had told me about it that day in his office, I hadn’t even known it existed. It didn’t look like it had done Lila much good, though.

She released Rook and strode into my living room, coming to a standstill in front of the couch but not sitting down. Instead, she turned to face me, those blue eyes firm on mine and filled with that same flare of determination I’d seen in them back at the church.

“I like you,” she said suddenly, her voice soft but clear as a bell. “I really do like you, Ford, but I think that’s a problem for you.”

I felt my brow furrowing, my heart suddenly stuttering at an uneven tempo in my chest. “Uh, okay. Do you want to tell me what exactly you mean by that?”

Odds were that I was going to make a complete fool of myself if she didn’t clarify this for me.

She held my gaze without wavering. “In the group, some people spoke about how the guys who left here are not the same ones who came back.”

“Yeah?” None of that was news to me. I just didn’t know how it related to her liking me—or why it was a problem.

On the other hand, I also still didn’t quite understand what she’d meant by “ I like you .” She’d said it earlier too, but then it had been more of a thing in passing. This time, it seemed different. Especially if she thought it would be a problem for me.

“Few, if any, people come back exactly the same as they were,” I said, watching as she dragged in a breath so deep, her chest rose and fell with it. “Were you expecting to hear something different?”

“No, but it made me realize something.”

“What’s that?” I asked dully, but I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like what she was about to say.

She gave me a soft, sad smile. “I think the person who you were before the war likes me, but the accident and losing Luke changed him irrevocably. I think that guy might have the same kind of feelings I have, but I don’t think the man you are now feels the same way.”

Fuck . My heart slammed in my throat.

Because I suddenly realized that she could be right.

Thankfully, she also didn’t seem to be done yet, which gave me a few more moments to try to work it out.

“I’m too loud for this guy. Too bright. Too happy.

I’m not going to change, though. Not ever and not for anyone, so I guess what I need to know from you is whether I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. ”

“Wrong?” My chest squeezed, throbbing with the conflict between past and present raging within. “Why would it be wrong?”

“Because I don’t know what you want from me.

” She hadn’t looked away from me once, not even to glance at Rook as he positioned himself between us, evidently feeling a little torn about who needed him more right now.

“The thing is, you’re hot, then you’re cold.

You’re soft, then you’re bossy. You’re all alpha one minute and the next, you let me take control. ”

I swallowed, my throat so dry that it was starting to ache, but I didn’t have any words yet. Lila managed another one of those small, sad smiles and took a step closer, as if she was trying to silently reassure me without making me feel pressured by getting too close.

I hated that she had to walk this line. I despised that I’d become someone a woman like her felt uncertain about. Not scared but certainly not confident that I could handle feelings like these.

“Do you want me, Ford?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“What’s happened between us twice now is borderline inappropriate, if not all the way there.

I realize that. You’re my boss, and if things have gone too far for you, then this is your opportunity to tell me.

I like you and I’m not going to deny it any longer, so I just wanted you to know. ”

Those cornflower blue eyes slid slowly away from mine and she took a deep breath, releasing it slowly but audibly. I heard a little wobble in it, and strangely, that was what broke me. That little wobble put all the words that had been evading me until now firmly at the top of my mind.

“There is no question that I want you,” I said, my voice a little choked as I tried to push through years and years of stumbling blindly through the darkness.

This felt right, though. Somehow, I felt like I was reaching for the light, but she needed to know the dangers of letting me touch it.

“I want you more than any version of me has probably ever wanted anyone, but definitely more than this guy I am now has ever wanted anyone. I want you, Lila.”

Her gaze flew up to mine, a smile starting on her face, but when she saw whatever expression was on my face, it slipped right back off again. “There’s a but coming, isn’t there?”

“It’s not a but .” I exhaled through my nostrils.

This next part wasn’t going to be easy to get through.

It meant exposing the ugly truth that I’d never spoken out loud.

A truth so vile that it was probably going to send her running in the opposite direction, and yet, I’d never backed away from a challenge.

She needed to know this and I was going to tell her.

“You are too bright, and too colorful, and too happy, and it’s fucking beautiful. Inside and out, you are gorgeous.”

She blinked rapidly. “Why are you saying that like it’s a bad thing?”

“Because I am none of those things and I’m never going to change either.” I clenched my teeth, feeling a tick in my jaw. Opening up like this was not only going against the grain, it was slicing right through to the core. “There is nothing bright, or colorful, or happy in here.”

I knocked a fist against my chest. “All I’ve got is darkness. Guilt. Hatred. Trauma. A list of unresolved bullshit so long that all the therapy in the world would take more years than I’ve got to work through it all.”

The light in her eyes dimmed and I scoffed, hanging my head and fighting back of wave of immense rage at myself.

I had done that. I was the reason for that light going off and I couldn’t fucking stand it.

“If you and I get together, I will be the dark that steals your light and the idea of dimming who you are makes me want to back off. I can’t do that to you, Lila.

No matter how much I want you, I won’t be responsible for draining even a fraction of your happiness. ”

Any other woman might’ve either argued the point or accepted it and walked away. Lila simply moved her hands to her hips, waiting until I looked up again and then holding my gaze just as firmly as she had before.

“Are you okay with being miserable for the rest of your life?” she asked, completely matter of fact. “Or do you see a way out of it? Do you want to fight for your own light or do you plan on surrendering to the dark?”

The questions knocked me right on my ass, emotionally anyway. Physically, I was still standing, but my heart was pounding all over again and my mind was spinning. “I go to the meetings.”

“Sure, but do you talk? Or do you really just go because it gives you someplace to be?” She wasn’t unkind and she definitely didn’t come across as not understanding.

In essence, what she was doing was holding up a mirror, and while she expected me to look into it, I could’ve ducked.

I just… didn’t want to. Not even when she straight up confronted me.

“See, I think you go because you want to fight your way out of the dark. I think you go because you miss the light. You might just not have figured out how to get to it just yet.”

“Does it matter why I go?” My throat was so constricted that my voice was hoarse, but I shook my head. “I will never surrender. Not to the dark or anything else, but not wanting to be miserable doesn’t automatically make me happy.”

“No, it doesn’t, but it matters because I know how to fight. For life. For light. I can do that, stand beside you and have your back while you slay your demons. What I won’t do is watch those demons slay you , or have you shut me out every time you feel the darkness closing in.”

“There’s a story there,” I said, finally voicing the suspicions I’d had since I’d met her. “I have my reasons for being the way I am, but so do you. Are you ever going to tell me what they are?”

“I’m not hiding anything. It just hasn’t come up.

” She took another tentative step closer, my blue-eyed girl staring up at me in a way that told me this was make or break.

“So what’s it going to be, Ford? Will you let me stand beside you or should I accept that from now on, you’re nothing more than my boss? ”