Page 81 of Fade into You

We’re in a weird hug, trying to undo the clasps, and I’ll be damned if hers isn’t some kind of chastity bra or somethingbecause it will not undo, and she’s struggling too and I pull back and we both burst into peals of laughter, the rain echoing on the tin roof. “I got it,” she says, and reaches behind her back to undo her bra, dropping each strap, revealing creamy skin and the most gorgeous breasts I have ever seen. Kate Winslet has nothing on Bird.

“You are so beautiful.”

She ducks her chin shyly, covering herself, then thinking better. “Your turn,” she says.

Suddenly self-conscious, thinking about how one boob is bigger than the other, how my stomach is so visible with its slight pooch, how my body has never been seen in this way, I hesitate.

“… I look to you to see the truth.”

Mazzy is speaking the bible of tonight. Bird reaches out and runs a hand gently down my arm. “It’s okay if you want to stop.”

Just knowing that, I feel safe. I feel safer than I ever have because of Bird, this delicate gorgeous person who is willing to protect me from all my ghosts. I shake my head. “I want this so much, Bird.” I pull my bra off as her hand reaches out and touches me. The fire in me grows so high that it seeps out of me, into her, and we are again together.

She hooks her fingers into the belt loop of my jeans and pulls me in, another kiss, our chests pressed against one another, we lean down on the sleeping bag, facing each other. I reach for the button on her jeans.

“Is this still okay?” I ask her.

She smiles and nods, I undo it, and then the sound of the zipper teeth echoes in my heart. I slide her jeans down and she helpsme with mine, the pants loose and slipping off without much resistance, just our underwear left.

She slides her hand lower, always looking at me, looking in my eyes, making sure this is what I want. I couldn’t want anything more. I want to fade into her, I want everything she has to give, I want her hands forever on me, her lips forever on mine. I want eternity with Bird in my arms.

Her hands touch the softest spot and the two of us gasp, a whispered “Oh god” parting her lips, the excitement heavy in her voice. I lean into her for another kiss as my world lights up.

The only thing I can think to whisper to her is:

“I love you.”

She smiles and looks me in the eyes again so I know it’s real.

“I love you, too.”

BIRD

After Jessa drops me athome on Saturday afternoon, I invite myself to Kayla’s house. My body is still humming, vibrating. I feel high again, but I’m not. I start laughing to myself as I walk to Kayla’s, taking my shortcut through the fields behind the school—another liminal space.

I have to tell her about Jessa, I decide on the walk over. I was afraid she wouldn’t understand about Silas or Kat, but I’ll make her understand about Jessa because I cannot keep this locked inside. She’ll be happy for me, I know it.

When I get there, my face is so cold and my fingers and toes are numb because I’m not wearing the right jacket for this weather. I don’t even care. Let the smile freeze on my face.

Kayla opens the door before I even have a chance to ring the bell.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hiii,” I say back, and I pull her in for a hug, spinning her around in the foyer of her house.

She laughs and says, “What the hell’s gotten into you?”

I laugh too because, oh, she has no idea what’s gotten into me. “I’m just happy to seeyou,” I singsong to her, and she goes along with a couple more spins before she lets go of me.

She backs up a few steps, stumbling a bit like I made her dizzy.

“You okay?” I ask through a laugh.

She’s nodding, but suddenly tears are streaming down her face.

“Oh my god, Kay. What? Are you all right?”

“No,” she breathes, shaking her head. “I’m not. I did something, Birdie,” she says, gasping through her tears, covering her face with her hands. “Something really bad.”