Page 36 of Fade into You

“Why?”

She shrugs. “You seemed so offended when you saw me smoking with Nat that night at Six Roots.”

“No, not offended.” Iwasoffended. But not by her smoking or because she was with Nat. I was offended by her laughing at me pouring my heart out, offended that she ruined my favorite shirt and didn’t seem to care—I wish I could let it go. “Just… I don’t know. Guess I’m not really a fan of that kind of thing,” I tell her, instead of just coming out and asking her why she laughed at me like that.

“Yet you smoke cloves,” she says.

“Well, it’s new. I just tried it over the summer with my—at that writing workshop. College campus rite of passage, I guess. Reminds me of being there again. I like the smell, I suppose. Mostly, it just reminds me of someone.”Kat.AndSilas. But mostly Kat.

“Boyfriend?” she asks.

“No.” Because I didn’t really think of Silas as a boyfriend, and Kat… she was something else entirely. Jessa opens her mouth, I think, to ask more questions, but I cut her off. “I’ll probably quit after this pack.”

Taking the cue, thankfully, she places her elbows on the table and tucks her fading blue hair behind her ears. “So,” she begins,letting a puff of air escape her mouth. “Does Kayla have a superhot ex we can get her interested in again?”

I barely inhale, just enough for the clove scent to encircle us. “No, but she did have a pretty serious crush on Emmanuel Tyson all through middle school.”

She lets her arm fall against the table, and her row of woven leather bracelets full of charms and metal grommets clang against the wood. “Middle school, really?” she says, tilting her head.

“Yes, but then he finally asked for her number during freshman year.”

She scoots a little closer across the table. “Yeah, and…?”

“Well, he never called her.”

“Oh.” She sits back again. “Okay, how does that help us, exactly?”

“She never forgot about him. Or stopped wondering why he never called. I mean, I think she’s still hung up on him. I feel like every guy she liked after him was just a distraction. Maybe even Dade, I don’t know?”

“I see Emmanuel around sometimes,” she offers. “Maybe we could try to get them in the same place, see if she takes the bait?”

I nod. But really, I wish Kayla would just listen to her friends and we didn’t have to try to replace one guy with another to get her to see that Dade is not good for her.

A creaking door at the back of the house screeches open, a man’s voice shouting to someone inside. He props the door open with a dirty old bucket and lights a cigarette before he looks up to see us sitting there.

“Hey!” he yells. My heart starts beating faster, because I had let myself forget that I didn’t quite buy Jessa’s story that it was okay to be here. My brain starts racing through possible excuses when Jessa calls back, “Hey, man.”

“What up?” he says, walking toward us. “You staying for the show tonight?”

Jessa looks over at me and hitches one shoulder, her face open, asking, “You game?”

I’m shaking my head, but part of me feels like I do want to stay. Everyone else is going to homecoming tonight. I don’t want to be home alone, doing nothing. But more than that, I’m rapidly realizing, I want to be with Jessa tonight. “No, no, I—I—I sh-should get home. My mom needs my help later.”

“You sure?” she asks.

No,my heart screams. “Yeah,” my voice tells her. “I should get home.”

“?’Kay,” she says, standing up and walking over to the guy, extending her fist, pounding it on top of his. As I watch her, so comfortable with this older guy who really should be intimidating, she seems so tough. Somehow more mature or worldly than I thought. “Nah, we’re gonna peace out.”

She turns to look at me, looking ather, and I’m frozen in place.

“Ready?” she asks.

On the ride home I feel like I have a thousand questions forming thought bubbles in my head, but each time I reach for one it bursts and I don’t know what to say to her.

She turns the music on low, and I silently thank her for nottrying to make me talk. It takes me a second to realize why I’m humming along. “Wait, this is Janis Ian?”

“Yeah, I felt she should be added to the mix.”