Page 124 of Fade into You

“At Mom?”

“At life.”

I look down at my hands in my lap for a moment before I can meet his eyes again. “You called me your Birdie. In the card. Is that how you think of me?” I pause, trying to summon enough bravery to add, “Still?”

“Always,” he says immediately.

“Why ‘Birdie’?” I ask. “I mean, I know it’s an old Englishnickname for Elizabeth, but did you come up with it or…?”

“No.” He almost laughs or gasps, half confused, half amused. “No,youdid.”

“Wh-what?”

“When you were little, you couldn’t say ‘Elizabeth,’ so we tried to teach you ‘Beth.’ You—you don’t know this?” He pauses and I shake my head. “Well, this one day we were all at the park together—you, Charlie, your mom—and you pointed at this little finch and said, ‘Bird,’ and then you pointed to yourself.” He laughs, and adds, “?‘Beth, Bird.’ You were so proud andsosure that Bird was your name. There was no arguing. It fit,” he explains, staring off like he’s seeing the scene playing out in his mind right now. “And we all just started calling you that. It stuck. So yes, you will always be Bird, my Birdie.”

“I’ve never heard that story before in my life.”

“I’m sorry,” he says.

I’m not sure what he’s apologizing for, but I can feel the tears rising through my chest and throat. I try to hold them back. “Mom said you’re sick. With… with AIDS. But she was lying, right? She just wanted to scare me; she didn’t want me to come. Because you look fine. You don’t look sick at all. Right?”

“She told you that?”

I nod.

“I am fine. I’m healthy. It’s not a death sentence like it used to be, Birdie. I don’t want you to worry or be scared. You can’t catch it from being here with me.”

“No, I—I’m not worried about that. But… it’s true?”

“It is, but it’s okay. Really.”

“I hate her,” I say out loud. “I hate her for taking this time from us.”

“I don’t want you to hate her,” he says, so calmly. “We have time. I promise.”

I try to believe him. That there’s time, that we won’t be kept apart anymore, that this love I’ve always held safe for him in a quiet corner of my heart was there inside him, too, all this time.

“Me and Charlie, we’ve been looking for you.”

He smiles at the sound of Charlie’s name. “You have? Both of you?”

I nod, and I can’t hold the tears back any longer. “We really needed you. We still need you.”

He nods and his chin trembles, in that same way Charlie’s does when he cries—though I haven’t seen him cry in a long time. “I need you, too,” he whispers.

JESSA

The phone is picked upon the first ring, and I’m expecting Dad, but it’s Mom who answers, voice edged with anxiety and fear. “My god, Jessa, are you all right? We are so worried, where are you?”

I take a deep breath. I’m gonna stay calm, since I have no real plan. I have no idea what to say. I’m safe but not all right. I’m not sure if I want to come home, but I know I will. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t do what we’re doing anymore.

“I’m okay, Mom; I’m with Bird.”

“Oh, thank the Lord,” she calls out away from the phone, “Hon, she’s with her friend Bird.”

“Put her on speakerphone!”

“What? How? Is it this button?”