Page 41 of Everything After

I shrugged. “It really is nice to see you guys, but we rarely get time to ourselves.”

Lennie stopped laughing when he realized I was serious. “Alright, Rick. Enough. I’m sorry, Alfie. Lily said you weren’t going to be here. What say we eat those pizzas and calzone that we brought, and we’ll get out of your hair?”

Right then, I could have kissed Lennie for giving us a way out, until I remembered that he and his bandmates were part of the problem between Lily and me in the first place.

CHAPTER 24

LILY

Rick and Lennie’s visit had to rank as two of the most uncomfortable hours of my life. My heart had been in my mouth from the moment I’d known Alfie was coming back. Once he’d shown up, he’d struggled to keep his irritable temper in check.

The atmosphere in the room shifted the second I met his gaze. At first, I barely reacted when he’d come into view. It was as if my brain suddenly froze, but aware that our guests were watching, I did manage a weak smile.

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next, when Alfie had taken my face in his hands and pressed a long kiss to my forehead. The feel of his lips on my skin made flames of desire course through every pore. Whether we had discord or not, when I’d heard him breathe me in, his intimate reaction to being near me made my heart leap excitedly, setting my betraying body alight.

I never thought I’d ever feel relieved to see Alfie leave me again. But by the time he’d left to take the boys back to the mainland, I was almost a nervous wreck.

Once he’d gone, my relief quickly turned to anguish again, thinking he might change his mind once he’d flown them back, and would decide to stay there.

Comforted by the immediate counterargument that went on in my head, I believed that Alfie would never leave me out to dry like that. A thought I internally debated again once I’d remembered the roller coaster of uncertainty I lived during my student days with him. That had been a hideous time, full of insecurities about us that I’d hoped never to experience again.

However, for the past couple of weeks, Alfie had cast doubts between us which had made me ask myself whether the break he had insisted on taking was really a ruse for not wanting to be with me anymore.

Jack and Elle’s scathing revelations came as a stark warning that if Alfie had tired of me, I only had myself to blame.

Since Alfie had been gone, I’d had plenty of time to think. And most of the time those thoughts instilled sensations of anguish, despair, panic and desperation that I might lose him. But I’ll admit there were times when those emotions had been fueled by my frustration, confusion and ignorance about where and how I had gone so wrong.

Relief was immediately replaced with anticipation again when I heard the whirl of the rotors as Alfie’s helicopter landed. For a few seconds the ache in my chest eased but the pain inside returned when I took in his stride.

Gone was the self-assured, walk-with-purpose stride and pace Alfie usually demonstrated that he carried himself with. Instead, his eyes were focused on his feet, his shoulders hunched, and his hands stuffed deep into his leather jacket pockets while he trudged slowly toward the house. He looked like I felt, filled with dread about the discussion we were about to have.

Since his call, every nerve within me had been strung out, and my body felt tight from tension of what his talk might contain. And as I’d watched his slow, reluctant progress toward our home, I’d wondered if he had come to tell me we were over.

A wave of hysteria gripped me, the shock from that thought almost tore my heart in two as I stood at the window and blinked fast to stem back my tears. My crushed soul told me I loved him with everything in me, and that I couldn’t bear to be without him.

To hold my emotions together, I busied myself by making us hot drinks. The coffee was decaffeinated, not that I had gotten much sleep lately anyway.

Instead of coming into the kitchen, Alfie went downstairs to our music studio and came back up a few minutes later, with his old battered, acoustic guitar, the one he’d been playing on the day I’d first met him.

Pain on another level gripped my chest because seeing him hold his guitar told me he wouldn’t be staying, and when he went, he’d be taking his sentimental possession with him.

Instantly, I thought life was unfair. I was carrying a baby he longed for, one that wasn’t planned, a baby I didn’t feel ready for, and his guitar appeared more important than fixing us.

“Is that what you came back for?” I asked. My tone sounded irrational, but it was a reasonable question, knowing the guitar was a gift from his parents before they had died.

“No, it isn’t. But I’ve used this to write every song I’ve ever written. I’d prefer to have it with me… just in case.”

“Right… just in case you don’t come back, and you need it to write your breakup songs,” I muttered. I’d wanted to scream at him for his indifference but the look of contempt in his eyes helped me to keep my emotions in check. “So, you wanted to talk,” I remarked bluntly.

“I think we’ve both had some time to reflect on our lives, don’t you?” I nodded. “Want to tell me how you feel?” he asked.

“Lost,” I mumbled, placed his coffee cup on the countertop and sat down next to mine.

“Want to expand on that?” he suggested as he peeled off his leather jacket, wandered over and placed it neatly over a kitchen chair at the small table we used to have breakfast together at.

Turning to face me, he left a stool between us before he sat down. His eyes narrowed when I’d failed to reply. I gathered my scattered thoughts as he sat in silence and waited for me to speak.

I shrugged. “Have you ever been lost for words? Lost how to fix things, like I’ve lost my heart—my soulmate? So…” I glanced up at him with an aching heart and swallowed back tears. Hope entered my soul when I recognized love shining back at me in his beautiful hazel eyes, despite our situation. I shrugged again. “So… just… lost.”