Page 144 of Everything After

“Yeah, I would,” he said quietly. Alfie drew up a chair and sat close to the bed. He grazed our baby’s cheek with the back of his index finger again, looking thoughtful. “I wish my parents could have seen him,” he disclosed wistfully in a shaky voice. Tears glistened in his eyes when he looked up from our son to me.

A lump formed in my throat and my own tears fell. “They’d be so proud of you, Alfie. You’re an incredible man. They brought you up well.”

At first, he nodded, then shook his head. “I’m not always good,” he admitted, chuckling. “In fact, there have been times when?—”

I reached out and covered his lips with my fingertips. “You are your hardest critic, Alfie Black. No one’s perfect… apart from this little one here,” I said, nodding toward our baby. “But you’re pretty darn close.”

He chuckled. “You said darn, we’ll make an American out of you yet.”

I smiled as I glanced down at our baby again, feeding contentedly in my arms. “America has a new citizen today. That means he could be president one day, right?”

Alfie grimaced. “I’d rather he was the next Jimmy Hendrix.”

“Hey, his first names initials will be CD, a reference to music at least.” I laughed as I stroked our baby’s head, and immediately understood the term, ‘baby soft’ in everything I’d ever heard of. ‘Baby soft fabric conditioner’, ‘baby soft toilet tissue’ and recognized that, feeling a baby felt different to the regular softness in something.

When Charlie dropped off my breast after feeding, I swear he looked drunk, but his mouth continued to suck. “Aww, how cute is that?” I asked, in awe of him. I stared at him like he might give us a glimpse of his personality at any moment.

“Did it hurt?” Alfie asked. I glanced up and he nodded at my breast.

“Breastfeeding? It did initially, but once he was settled it was fine.”

Breastfeeding was a fear I’d had amongst all my irrational thoughts about parenthood during my pregnancy. But it had been a journey where I’d had time to think of the positives that motherhood would bring.

Perhaps all those months a baby grows inside us, gives us women time to work through and adjust some of our fearful thoughts about being a mother and parent. It had been a journey where I’d had time to slow down, and time to think of the positives that motherhood would bring.

By the time my water broke earlier that day, most of my fears about being pregnant, the discord with my band and how I might react to seeing my baby had gone.

The moment Charlie had been placed in my arms, any fears left had evaporated and were replaced by instant feelings of love and an indescribable bond with the small bundle of joy in my arms.

“Do you think I can hold my son now?” Alfie asked as he dried his eyes with the sleeve of his long-sleeved T-shirt. Hisquestion made me realize he hadn’t demanded ownership of our son, like the usual alpha man I knew. I nodded and carefully wrapped him back up in the towel he’d been in and gingerly passed him into Alfie’s arms.

My heart clenched at the sight of them together. “He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” I asked.

“Precious.” Alfie swallowed hard and I saw fresh tears in his eyes. We sat in silence for a long minute while Alfie took in his son. Eventually, he cleared his throat and sighed. “I think I’ve been mentally preparing for this moment for a long time. Life will be different for us with this little one in our lives. But Lily, I swear I will try to never let you guys down.”

“Do you know something?” I asked, smiling.

“What?” he asked, his studious eyes serious now.

“I’m glad Jack isn’t here,” I confessed.

“You are?” I chuckled. “I figured with all you guys had been through you secretly had wanted him to keep pushing to be at the birth.”

“God, no. Are you serious? Perhaps I just loved to see that jealous streak that you have whenever he yanks your chain. It reminds me how fiercely you love me.”

“Is that so?”

“It is,” I confessed, chuckling. “But I’m also glad he’s not here because if he had been, I’d never have gotten to see all those true feelings you’ve shown me since we’ve been here.”

“True. I wouldn’t have cried like a softy,” he muttered.

“I love your soft side. Never hide that from me… or our son. I want him to know it’s okay to cry.”

“I won’t. But if you tell anyone how I’ve reacted today, I’ll pull your pants down in public.”

Carlie re-entered the room as I was laughing. “That would be a sight for sore eyes, especially since I don’t know if all my bits are intact,” I said.

Carlie overheard what I said and smiled. “Oh, you breezed through that birth, Lily. No sutures for you today. Now, shall we see how long this little one is and how much he weighs?”