Page 44

“So, darling,” Nicola asked, outside Bentley. “Where shall we go for lunch?”

Charlotte puffed out her cheeks and pondered.

For the love of god. The indecision. But Nicola stopped herself from whisking Charlotte up to the Ashmolean. Patience was required, and taking her foot off the pedal was good for them both.

“I don’t know,” Charlotte said.

Her daughter’s eyebrows dipped into a V, apparently mulling over the question as much as a tricky technicality.

Nicola breathed in and reminded herself that while Charlotte might not be quick at simple decisions, neither was Nicola at patience – ADHD decision fatigue after a morning at work for Charlotte, versus Nicola’s fatigue with indecision. No wonder they’d clashed with Charlotte growing up.

“Well, I’m not very hungry,” Charlotte said, clearly picking up on Nicola’s irritation. “I fill up so quickly. Bean’s squashed my stomach into a tiny...” She made a small ‘o’ with her finger and thumb.

“Can we at least choose this lunchtime?”

Charlotte’s eyes grew huge.

“OK, ice cream!”

Nicola closed hers. She took a moment. And opened them again.

“Ice cream? It’s November .”

Charlotte shrugged. “I feel warm all the time now.”

Nicola breathed in. Again. “Come on then.”

She offered Charlotte her arm and watched her take off down the street without it. Her daughter screeched to a halt and retraced her steps.

“Sorry.” Charlotte grinned.

She looped an arm through Nicola’s, adjusted, shuffled closer, in a not-smooth-at-all manoeuver, while Nicola kept her arm in place.

“Ready?” Nicola checked.

She asked gently this time, patient with Charlotte’s distraction and clumsiness. Her daughter would never grow out of it. And she received a big, pink-cheeked smile in return as they walked down the golden-stone terrace of St John’s Street.

She was learning how Charlotte worked – that her inattentive traits dominated but she may have other neurodivergent traits too. Why she excelled one moment and tripped up the next. That it underpinned so much for her and permeated her whole life – the way she thought, the ways she perceived others, relationships and health. And it wasn’t just being distracted by a squirrel or bird overhead, but sometimes it was that too. And that Charlotte liked to laugh about it, because making light of the smaller mistakes helped her cope. She was on a waiting list to try medications to see if any suited her too.

They bought Charlotte a tub of red velvet ice cream at Little Clarendon G&D’s and a coffee for Nicola and found a bench beneath the giant sequoia in the quiet, central garden in Wellington Square. It wasn’t too cold with the sun out, considering it was November.

Nicola remembered padding about in a T-shirt late pregnancy too, but watching Charlotte scoop ice cream into her mouth still made her shiver. She put an arm around her daughter’s shoulder to a smile of surprise, but Charlotte didn’t move away and carried on eating ice cream.

“Have you told Bryony?” Charlotte asked. “You know...That you're...”

“The second biggest lesbian in the family?”

Charlotte spat out her mouthful. Well, that was certainly a reaction. Nicola patted her gently on the back while Charlotte stared at her, incredulous.

“But is that what you mean?” Nicola asked, amused.

“Yes. It is.” Charlotte coughed. “Although...Mum...it’s OK to be bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with liking men, women, everyone.”

Nicola crossed her legs and leant back, at ease with this now.

“I can safely say that I have no intention of going near a man again.”

“Well...” Charlotte struggled. “I sympathise. And I hope you and Geeta stay together forever. But it’s still OK to find men attractive.” She nodded earnestly. “Millie says there’s a lot of pressure for bisexuals to be all innocent and pure of mind, to counter negative stereotypes. When there’s actually nothing wrong with finding others attractive.” Charlotte continued nodding. “She actually says a lot more about it, and it’s very sweary.”

“Charlotte.” Nicola stared her in the eye. “I am never, ever, going to have sex with a man again.”

“’Kay.” Charlotte blanched. “It’s because you were...married...boyfriends."

“Yes, I know my history. And I’m sorry I’m not familiar with every term yet.” Nicola waved her arm. “So maybe I’m not the strict definition, de jure lesbian. But de facto , I definitely am.”

“Right.” Charlotte nodded, pleased with the drier definitions.

“Good.”

“Good.”

“And I haven’t told Bryony that level of detail, but I have told her about Geeta.”

“Right.”

“Good.”

“Oh, Bean’s moving.” Charlotte suddenly laughed. “The cold ice cream must have woken her. Come here.”

A soft hand grabbed hers and pulled it to rest on a taut, round belly.

Warm. Smooth. And there. Oh, my goodness, a little nudge. A tiny heel perhaps? Nicola leant closer and hugged Charlotte tighter around the shoulders and waited. And again.

“That was quite a movement.” Nicola laughed. “Are you OK?”

Charlotte nodded. “I like it when she moves. It’s reassuring and means she’s doing well.” Then Charlotte giggled. “When I snuggled up behind Millie last night, Bean kicked her so hard in the back, it woke her up.”

Charlotte gazed into the middle distance, holding Nicola's hand.

That had been Charlotte decades ago, shuffling around. Yet it also felt like months. And here she was, this tall girl beneath her arms, about to have her own child. Nicola hugged her tight, while cradling her belly.

It really sank in now. Charlotte was going to have a baby.

“My goodness,” Nicola murmured. She leant in and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re going to be a mum.”

It hit her square in the chest. Her baby having a baby.

“I...” She had to pause, choked up about it. “I didn’t see Bryony later in her pregnancy with the twins. With her based in Scotland, and both of us busy, time ran away with us.”

But this. She couldn't get over it. Her youngest, beneath her arms, and bump nudging gently in her palm.

“Thank you,” Nicola whispered. For this moment. “Thank you so much for this.”

Charlotte held her hand tight. “I know I won’t be any kind of super-mum. I’ll make so many mistakes.”

“We all do,” Nicola said. “Geeta would say the same.”

“But some things I do well.”

“Yes, you do.”

Charlotte blinked and gazed down at her bump, Bean shuffling again. Nicola stroked a long wave of Charlotte’s hair away from her cheek and over her shoulder, so she could see her daughter's face properly. Pink cheeks, eyes filled with thoughtful care as she felt the baby moving.

“Look how much you love her already,” Nicola murmured. “And that gets you a long way.”

Perpetual nights of feeding. The years of turmoil. You didn’t get through that without filling up on love.

They stayed, holding each other.

“Mum?” Charlotte said, quieter. “If anything happens to me, will you look after Millie?”

“Of course,” Nicola said quickly.

But she didn’t dismiss the worry like she’d normally brush Charlotte aside. Maybe because the moment was precarious, rare and tender, and so much hung in the balance between them.

“But you will be OK,” Nicola reassured. “Everything’s going well.”

“It’s just...”

Charlotte tensed beneath her embrace, welling up.

“...She lost a baby once. At six months.”

“What?” Nicola gasped.

She felt that. Like it blew a hole right through her.

“It was a few years ago. She was going to have a child...”

Colder still. The bottom dropping out of her world. Nicola closed her eyes as she plummeted.

“She’s never really recovered... And she’s been very up and down while we’ve been through pregnancy. And if anything went wrong...”

“Of course.” Nicola blinked open her eyes, steeling herself. “I promise.”

She felt all of it then. As if this happiness with her daughter might slip through her fingers. She feared the loss, the potential of everything she cradled in her arms disappearing to nothing, and she held Charlotte tight while she could.

“No wonder she’s been worried,” Nicola murmured. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just this,” Charlotte whispered. “This is good.”

And they stayed there, Nicola holding her daughter.

***

Geeta showed Olivia a video from Satinder on her phone, of fireworks blazing through the sky over Birmingham. Satinder visited aunties and the big gurdwara in Handsworth for Diwali.

This time of year had always been Geeta’s favourite. Halloween, Bonfire Night, Diwali, then preparations for Christmas. She’d loved it, especially when the kids were home. And now she got to do it all again. She and Olivia took Bea around the village, trick or treating, and home to light diyas and have a feast. Then she packed Bea a little box of homemade treats of sweet pistachio barfi and her favourite cardamon biscuits.

And now Geeta decorated the bungalow with Nicola for Christmas. Or at least they were talking about it.

“Christmas Eve. That’s when decorations go up,” Nicola said, her tone implying this was the last word on the matter.

As if she’d get away with that. Geeta gave her a look.

“Honestly,” Nicola persisted. “I’ve never considered a day earlier, let alone several weeks.”

“Why, for goodness’ sake?” Geeta threw an arm in the air. “It’s dark, cold and grey. Let’s put the decorations up. I've just celebrated the festival of lights. I want to keep it going.”

Nicola rolled her eyes.

“Rolling your eyes is not a valid argument.”

“Christmas Eve,” Nicola insisted.

“Because we need to limit our enjoyment to one day. Very healthy.”

“There are twelve days of Christmas.”

“OK, how about we keep the guest room all gloomy. You can go and sit in there if the rest of the house is too cheerful for you.”

Then Geeta’s ancient lights didn’t work anyway.

“Fine.” Geeta threw both hands in the air. “Darkness prevails.”

And she caught Nicola biting in a smile.

“Well,” Geeta grumbled. “Honestly.”

Then she came back one day, after Nicola had been working from home at the kitchen table on a new chambers strategy. Nicola greeted her in the hallway as soon as she opened the front door.

“So, I went shopping,” Nicola said. “And I got these.”

She handed over boxes of lights to replace Geeta's old ones.

“I don’t know where you want them, so I didn’t put them up yet.”

Geeta grinned. “But you’ll help me tonight?”

“Yes, I will.” Nicola’s eyes sparkled. “And I arranged some others, but you can change them as you like.”

A keen hand took hers, led her through the open-plan kitchen and dining room, and when they reached the back window wall Nicola switched off the main light so they were plunged into darkness.

A subtle trail of golden lights edged the shrubs towards the river and around the bay tree.

“Oh, my goodness.” Geeta put praying hands to her lips.

Magic. Just a few lights made the garden inviting this late in the year. Bea would be able to run around and play after school if Olivia brought her some days.

She side-eyed Nicola. Then turned and gently prodded her chest.

“You,” Geeta said, with challenge and affection.

So many things she could have said. That she loved coming home to Nicola, and Nicola to her. That she loved it when they saw eye to eye, and when they bickered. When they disagreed about the little things it exasperated her and made her laugh out loud. And even when issues loomed huge, she knew they were on solid ground, always coming back to each other. Always talking it through.

Nicola was so present with her now. That warmth beneath her finger. The strength she sensed from her. Geeta let her hand rest, palm over heart, wanting to be closer.

“Thank you,” she said.

Arms slipped around her waist, and she smiled as they met in a soft, warm hug.

“How was your day?” Nicola asked. “Did you accept Liz’s offer?”

“For now,” Geeta replied. “Nothing else has come up, and it’ll be quiet over Christmas.”

Nicola nodded.

“I love the work and company,” she shrugged. “But it’s not enough hours and money.”

“It’s exactly the kind of job that requires someone multiskilled and experienced,” Nicola said. “They’re lucky to have you. All that communication and organisational talent. So-called women’s skills.”

“That go underpaid unfortunately.” Geeta sighed.

“Yes, they do.” Nicola tilted her head. “Often overlooked and taken for granted at home. And underpaid in the workforce as well.”

She looked up at Nicola. Did she want to talk about their living arrangement? They’d moved closer together but not agreed anything yet. Small steps. All of them good. Her head realised this was a big change, and she couldn’t make mistakes at this point in her life.

But she wondered if something else preyed on Nicola’s mind.

“What is it?” She cupped Nicola’s cheeks.

“I’m keeping my schedule light the next few weeks, for when Charlotte gives birth. Thankfully, I’ve got that flexibility with being head.”

“Are you worried about Charlotte still?” she asked.

She sensed Nicola's attitude to Charlotte becoming more nuanced of late, Nicola clearly appreciating the second chance with her daughter.

“Oh god, always.” Nicola sighed. “I'm beginning to understand her better, and how she works, and what suits her. But.” She looked at Geeta. “That means I’m worried in a different way now.”

Geeta smiled, familiar with that feeling.

“Actually, it’s Millie I’m more worried about.”

“Really? I thought they seemed tighter than ever?”

“Nothing could tear those two apart. But...” Nicola was unusually hesitant. She breathed in. “Millie had a late miscarriage a few years ago. I think Charlotte’s pregnancy has been rough on her, as well as something she wants.”

Geeta squeezed Nicola tight, her reaction personal and visceral.

What if she’d lost Olivia or Adam at that stage? Pregnancy was so complicated. It had terrified her, being taken over by something beyond her control, when she had no plans to have kids. She’d been grateful she had choices and would be forever adamant everyone should. When she and Sumit talked later, and her plan changed, her pregnancy became cherished. They’d felt such a part of her, everything priming her to love what she held within, and a loss at that point would have broken her. She didn’t want to imagine it.

“Oof,” she breathed. “I felt that.”

“Yes, same,” Nicola said quietly.

She saw the concern in Nicola, lines deepening on her forehead and eyes glistening.

“Does Charlotte worry that’ll happen to her?”

There was always a danger, and this brought it so close to home.

“No. Everything’s going well. But it hangs over Millie the whole time.”

“I didn’t know that about her,” Geeta said.

“Me neither until recently.”

And both held each other a little tighter.

Geeta suddenly thought, “You like Millie, don't you?”

She pulled back and smiled confused at Nicola, while stroking fingers through her hair. It wasn’t as if Millie gave Nicola an easy time.

“She’s a kindred spirit in some ways.” A naughtiness curled on Nicola’s lips. “An ‘unnatural woman’, disapproved of at college. Millie with full agency over her sex life, and me for ambition.”

“A simplification of you both.”

“But an element of truth too. I admire her, even when she prods me deliberately.”

Geeta smiled. “You like a challenge?”

“Up to a point.”

Dangers and possibilities for Charlotte clearly preyed on Nicola, fatigue dark under her eyes.

“I'm here,” Geeta whispered, and she kissed her.